My Rear Mirror...

hmm, its actually an apt metaphor for life that my side mirror on my car is cracked. You always look at the past through a cracked lens.. Even though you supposedly have 20/20 hindsight, you don't. You are always evaluating the past in terms of the present, in terms of aging and increased understanding...

So, what has been this year? Its been a year with some new, wonderful friendships. A year with some growth, with more understanding of politics (I'm not saying I'll ever be able to deal with these, but I have a little more understanding of what is going on). Its been a year of growth, of increasing health, of a milestone birthday... its been a year of new friends, of rediscovering the old... its been a year of ups and downs...

I'm looking forward to the new year, too... but I'm not making resolutions. I'm making changes, but not labelling them as such. The most important thing I am doing is treating myself the way I deserve and being gentle with myself... I'm getting healthy, happy, fit. I'm going to get everything I planned on doing with my house done this year... and I'm sure I'll have setbacks, but there is always chocolate!

Upon further thought, I guess what I dislike about resolutions and lists is that they tend to make you think negatively. Now I'm not one for false positivity, or denial (although I've been in both states in the past, particularly adrift on the great river of De Nile), but at the same time, making an unrealistic resolution is good for no-one. It won't help me to say "Ok, I am never eating chocolate again" or to vow that I am going to join a gym and go work out every morning... I know those tactics don't work. I can say that I am only eating good chocolate. I can say that I will do situps, or get an exercise machine and work out 3 times a week at home.

I can say, "I am joining a CSA and will be eating healthy this winter". I can keep it about being healthy, and balanced and having good influences in my life. I'm all about the positive.

Food and my health....

So recently I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles on food... and honestly, its a crazy mess out there. I have a friend who does tons of supplements, works out, and is avoiding dairy... I have another friend who is reading the 'grass-roots vegan' sites, which claim that there is a huge government conspiracy about food. I went to Aldi's yesterday after hearing people rave about it... canned goods, packaged goods, nothing organic...

I'm in between. I try to eat my meats and the top ten foods organically (berries, peppers). I belong to a CSA. But I still eat non-organically. I still eat fish, meat. I drink raw milk in the summer, and it makes a difference in my health.

I'm upset that I'm getting town water... I really don't want crap in my water like chlorine, flouride, various agents, and then its piped for miles.... and you have no idea how contaminated its gotten...

I am proof that you can get fat eating healthy things!

But my weight and health always take a nosedive the more conventional produce I eat. And I remember reading about a study that claimed that powdered milk contributed to cancer... and it does make me wonder...

But I don't go to the other extreme with no sugar, no fat, no dairy, no chocolate...

I try to be moderate. But here's an interesting tidbit. One of my CCD kids gave me a mug of candy for Christmas. I tried a little piece of 3 Musketeers. BLEAH. It tasted like crud. Really bad chocolate. And I wonder if all these little bags of mini cheap chocolates are contributing to America's ill-health. We have two extremes in the grocery store. Giant humongous bars or tiny little bars. What happened to a regular, ordinary sized chocolate bar?

And please, make it good chocolate. Most of these foods just taste horrible. They aren't worth it. Loaded with corn syrup, gums, additives... (and sorry, granola folks, but agave syrup is the new corn syrup)...

I've been trying to figure out this new food safety bill...because what we need is something to monitor pesticides, to keep small farms safe, to keep raw milk and cheese safer for those who want to eat them. For the raw milk and cheeses, use common sense! Don't sell them at Costco. If you sell them in the supermarket, keep them in separate, closed cases, where it is at an even temp, and don't store them in the back... have lots of inspections of the facility where they are produced, make sure it is impeccably clean. Test the animals, test the products. I want to be able to drink my raw milk in the summer. Its completely different from pasteurized milk.

Would I give it to a young child? I'm not sure. I might low-pasteurize it first. I almost suspect that it is the freshness of the milk, not the pasteurization (or lack thereof) that makes it healthier...

I just know we need to do something about our food system. We have the technology for healthy food, but we need to stop with all the processed crap... all the canned foods... all the plastic on and around our food, all the chemicals in our food and our water...

Yes, its been way too long...

So, dear, dear blogger, it is time to update. Its more than time. But unfortunately, I am perpetually behind. I'm behind with everything, and its just me... But I'm moving forward, slowly. The living room is half painted, the tv stand has been assembled (after more than a year!). The office is getting decluttered and organised...

The Hyperspace Bypass of my life....

So right now, I feel like I just want to go to the Restaurant At the End of the Universe. I'm so frustrated. I keep trying to get a part, to get a job, to get something other than the 12-hour-a-week dead end job I'm in. I'm TIRED of being paid a pittance for a job I do, and do well. I'm tired of being on the bottom rung, the low man on the totem pole. If I didn't do the job well, they would have fired me.

And right now, work resembles the Hitch-hiker's guide to the Galaxy more than I'd like. We have to have the office locked, the book drop locked. The carts locked in the book drop, along with the bags, and only one bag out at a time. The holds are locked in the office. And there is no drop slot, so we have piles that people leave, either while they are looking, or to return...

And its just ARGH.

I'm capable, I'm bright, I'm articulate. I'm good with people. I'm artistic, I'm well-read.

And none of this means crap.

Ranting and raving and heartaching....

So, because of Facebook, and a game I play on there, I am friends with a variety of different people. And sometimes, things they post REALLY scare me, really upset me. This was the case this morning... one of my Frontier friends posted about an 11 year-old girl who shot and KILLED two robbers. She posted it as her little pre-teen hero. I was horrified. Ok, yes, the girl was trained in guns, and that is admirable. But maybe, instead of having the child's first defense be a gun, and being aggressive towards home invaders, have the first reaction be to call 911 or get out of the house. If she had time enough to go get the gun from her parents room (and hypothetically take it out of the safe, load the bullets...because who keeps a loaded gun in their bedroom?) she would have had time to call 911. I cannot imagine the trauma to a child of killing two people...

Now granted, the same website also had a lovely little article saying that we need to profile in airports, because those darn Muslims are all terrorists and every mosque on American soil harbors them. Now, I know that the American government does do a certain amount of profiling. And they also have lists of Arabs in the country. (How do I know this? I have dual nationality, and had to renew my Egyptian passport in New York, and had to register with the American government). But the thing is, anyone can be a terrorist. Look at Tim McVeigh. He was not Muslim, he was not Arab. He pulled off one of the larger terrorist acts here in the States. Its my impression that the people who have pulled stunts like explosives in shoes and underwear have also been non-Arab. So please. Anyone can be a terrorist. And be smart, but don't assume someone is a terrorist based on their last name or their nationality.

And for the heartaching part...I want kids. Particularly this time of year. Christmas is for kids, not adults. And reading about my friends kids hurts. *sigh*

RIP Mr Mingus.

We all have people who touch our hearts, and Mr Minges was one of those for me. My coworker just called to inform me that he had passed on... You could tell that at one point he had been quite a rake, he had that twinkle in his eye... you know the one... He had a special chair at Barney, where he loved to sit, next to the Garden Club books... (We were just thankful he wasn't there when the globe for the overhead light fell and shattered!) He was lonely, and would come chat with us and then go nap in his chair...but as he got older and older we saw him less and less...every so often he would talk someone into driving him over from the retirement home, so he could visit... but for a while, he was a fixture.

He designed and built the Farmington Exchange, which runs on geothermal energy... He was ahead of his time in many ways, as well as being a character.

Mr Minges, we'll keep your seat warm for you... Rest In Peace. Mr Minges

Only if it has attachments....

Or will feed me grapes.

:)

Catherine's Cranium: Things I am grateful for....

Catherine's Cranium: Things I am grateful for....

Things I am grateful for....

I am grateful for a family that loves me. I am grateful for wonderful friends who invited me to share their Thanksgivings, even though I elected to pull a Miss Havisham and eat alone... (Already bought the turkey, after all). I am grateful for so many more gluten-free products on the market, even though they are all expensive and designed to make me fat. I am grateful for a beautiful home, and food on the table, and clothes on my back.

I am grateful to know so many wonderful people through the theater, through music, through church, and through work. I know I don't say thank you to people enough. I am grateful to Facebook for reconnecting me with folks I knew from my childhood, from college. These are people I never thought I'd see or hear from again.

Even though there will always be an unfilled place in my heart, I am grateful. And I am blessed.

I hope all of you who are reading this also feel blessed!

On friendships.

Right now, I don't really have any close friends. I have friends from college whom, when I see them, I'm right back with them in an instant. I have friends, I have aquaintances, but I don't have close friends. Everyone is busy with their own lives. And unless you have kids, or are a career woman, you are in limbo. Everyone at work has kids or grandkids. And everything just seems so superficial.

I've always had a hard time getting close to people. I'm open, what you see is what you get, basically, and a lot of folks seem to have trouble with that. I've always been liked, but never been popular.

*sigh*

On the Passing of my 40th Birthday.

Turning 40 really hits some mixed messages for me. I'm not in my 30s anymore. My biological clock has become so loudly deafening... I feel old in some ways, feeling like I'm over the hill, and that I'm really no longer going to be desirable. I still have a hard time treating myself with the love I try to show to others. In fighting that, I decided to try to set up some wishlists on Amazon, Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, Ten Thousand Villages, Gaiam... I really want to surround myself with beauty, with lovely, eclectic things. To be healthy, happy, and really have lovely things surrounding me in this next decade.

And for this next decade, I REALLY want to make a difference. I may end up adopting or fostering children, since it is very unlikely that I will have one on my own. I wish I had the courage to, but I don't. I think that has been my biggest regret. I have so much I could share with a kid, I would have loved to be a mother, but its just not in the cards.

I refuse to turn into the typical (if there is such a thing!) single, middle-aged, Farmington, lady. I will always try to be true to myself, to grow, to create art, beauty, and love. To support wonderful people and wonderful places...

But in some ways, turning 40 sucks. Because, in my heart, I am still 20. And I always will be....

The problem with living alone....

For me, at any rate, is piles. I fling things, so I have piles of clean laundry, piles of dirty laundry, piles of dishes, piles of books, piles of papers...piles, piles, piles, everywhere. (*whispering*) I even have a pile of bras

I also have a bad habit with my coffeecups, learned from my parents. I leave them, usually half full of tepid coffee or tea, around the house.

This does not bode well for my old age. I have a horrible feeling that in 30 years I'll be buried behind a towering pile of books, nested in a pile of bedding....

At least I will not have a pile of cats. :)

My mother and my aunt both claim they were like me and neatened up as they got older. I suspect it was having kids that did it. You don't have to clean up until you have a small person around.

I also suspect that, should I have kids at this late date, they will have very healthy immune systems.

I am, however, tired of sleeping with a pile of books!

Raindrops on roses....

Bright copper kettles, brown paper packages tied up with string....here are some links to my favorite things:

Wonderful soap (I love the Wild Honeysuckle, the pumpkin pie is amazing, too)

Sparkly! I love the sparkle, the sparkly! So pretty! Love the 'paris chandeliers', and the birdcages. Some gorgeous eco-friendly stuff...

Vintage This is where I found the red hat, in Pittsfield, MA. Just gorgeous hats, jewels, accessories... mmmmmm

organic clothes I love their styles...flowy, comfy....

Fair Trade Most of my jewelry is now coming from here. Just gorgeous, gorgeous pieces.... and big enough and sparkly enough to satisfy my inner (and outer) diva.

I still need to put in cooking things, books, and specific links to things. Gardening stuff...my problem is that I don't keep track of this stuff when I come across it. So I am seduced by the pretty, but then never find it again....

The joys and frustrations of dating...

So, I'm somewhat upset. I thought I'd met someone. It was on a dating site, and he wrote me this absolutely beautiful, amazing letter as an introduction, full of humor, intelligence, wit. We went out, and I thought there was a spark. We went out for a lunch date, and talked, and I thought it went well, but in retrospect... and then last night, the third date I got the line that I've been getting my whole life. "I like you, but as a friend".

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

And yes, that will probably be enough to get this blog sent to 'adult content' land.

I just wish it wasn't so hard to meet straight, intelligent, classy, good, moral men. I haven't been with anyone since the ex. Its been 7 years. I miss being held. I miss human contact. I'm starting to feel like I have powerful pheromones that repel men.

Maybe its my weight. Maybe there is something repellent about my personality. I don't know. Am I just the 'fat chick' friend?

Don't get me wrong, I'm ok on my own. I really am. But I want a rock, a lover, a friend. Someone to hold me. Someone to vent to. Someone to come over and play scrabble with.

I'm not looking for marriage. But I'm looking for my soulmate. So please, God, help me. I don't know what to do.

I know, I know....

I complain and grimace and mutter about my favorite blogs not being updated, or vanishing into the ether. Then I don't update my own. Tsk tsk tsk. And I have so many things I was inspired to try writing blog posts about, I've got a lot in the 'rough drafts' section. I could write about trying to find community service things for my ccd class to do. I thought about reverse trick or treating, but they are a little young for that... I could write about dating, trying to find true love... but I'm figuring that out and don't want to scare the nice man away! I could write about how the status of women in this day and age is still not so far away from the past... Men don't rhapsodize over knitting or jam making... men whack meat and make sausages! (ok, that came out a little more sexual than I intended). I could write about the climate of anger, and how much it has invaded our society...we have a problem with bullying and mean things, but look at the atmosphere out there. Almost every ad I see with people in it is MEAN. I cringe every time I see that phone ad with the breakup. We hear about the anger, the nastiness, the ick. I wish we could have a political campaign where, for every nasty thing someone says, they have to counter with something nice.
I could talk about obesity in this country. I could talk about racism, sexism. I could talk about isolation. But right now, my words fail me. So much to talk about...

(My next post I might talk about what I want for my birthday, though!)

Posting Pink...

October is the month of Pink. Of Breast Cancer. And yes, its prevalent in my family. My mother's mother had it, my mother had it, and my aunt had it. The nanny who raised me and my sister died from it (not related by blood, but by heart). In many ways, I'm at risk, never having had children, having been (and still am) overweight. I do do some things right to prevent cancer. I eat organic. I minimize plastic. I watch what I use on my body, on my skin. The skin is the largest organ of the body....

It was hard, watching my mother going through so much surgery, going through the chemo. It was an odd turnaround for us, because she watched me go through surgery when I was small... it was hard for her, because she's never been really sick, while I have had the mixed blessing of a chronic disease (the endometriosis).

If I think about this too much, I get scared. Really scared. I wish there was more I could do to be an activist on keeping out environment safe, on minimizing our daughters exposures to toxic chemicals, to plasticizers, to carcinogens in our fruits and veggies and our food. I wish I could eat nothing but organic...

Mea Culpa...

Yes, I know, I'm a bad, bad, bad blogger. It should get better as the weather gets colder...

So, I'm trying to figure out Thanksgiving this year. Yes, I know its early, but I want to buy an organic, local bird. And to do that, I have to order it now. But sitting in solitary splendor with a T-day feast isn't a great idea either....

Any suggestions?

In other news, my life is a mixed bag. Work is still this frustration level of not feeling respected, and not being able to move forward or get more hours, even. I haven't gotten anywhere in theater stuff either. I'm amazed, though, at what a difference three years of voice lessons has made in my voice, in my singing. Even though I'm on hiatus from voice lessons for the moment.. I'm still doing ceramics, and with my house? One step forward, three steps back.

Fears.

I'm so tired of being afraid. Afraid to get things done on my house. Afraid of biting the bullet and adopting or having a kid alone.

And I'm TIRED of being alone. Just tired of feeling that I have to watch out or I'll be taken advantage of. Tired of feeling like every time I let my guard down I get smacked upside the head.

(When the contractor and the architect came over, they apparently found the door from the garage to the kitchen standing wide open. I KNOW that was not me. And yes, I am creeped out. I was upstairs, asleep.) The thing is, part of me wonders why they'd opened the garage (they said the garage door was closed) and wonders if they'd opened it to try to get my attention. Which makes me wonder how far I can trust them.

I get TIRED of people making assumptions. I get tired of feeling like I am on a treadmill to nowhere, and I'm tired of feeling used. I feel unappreciated and alone. And I just feel as if my life is a waste. A waste of time, of money...

(sorry, its just one of those days. Just feeling so alone, but I'm not going to be with someone just for the sake of being with anyone, that doesn't work either).

I give up.

In which I need remodelling advice.

So, I bought this house about 4 years ago, and when I bought it I had every intention of gutting the kitchen, taking out the bathroom that the previous genius owner had put in, and putting in another above the kitchen. I'd wanted to tile the bathroom floors, etc, etc, etc. Needless to say, none of that happened. But I'm getting increasingly frustrated with a kitchen I cannot cook in and a bathroom that is in one of the coldest parts of the house.

Originally, I was thinking of raising the roof over the kitchen and putting a nice bathroom in there, rather than shoehorning a bathroom into a closet (which would also be cold). I want to keep the kitchen and bath charming and in the spirit of the house, a 1950s cape cod (kinda, sorta).

I saw too many odd renovations when I was shopping for a house where it was a new, modern space plunked into an old one, it just didn't work.

What have you done as renovations that worked and didn't?

Frustration.

I'm having one of those nights. I just want to walk out the door and just keep going. No-one would miss me. I've dabbled my life away, I have no kids, no accomplishments, I'm a freaking failure. My house feels like a giant white elephant tonight, I feel like its one step forward, two steps back. I'm FAT. And no-one is attracted to me. I just feel so damn alone. I can't rely on anyone.

I just really feel so frustrated. I'm no-one, going no-where. I just want friendship, companionship, and yet, here I am, 40 years old, rattling around in this house... alone.

Or I go up to the Lake and rattle around there... (although somehow I feel more lonely here).

And I can't seem to get anything done. Friends who i thought were going to help me have flaked out, and I can't even get my DEN finished.... I can't get a second estimate on the painting, I just feel stuck in damn Limbo.

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Food, Eggs, Frenchwomen...

I know, I know, I've been remiss with blogging. Bad, bad, bad Catherine.

I've been taking a lot of cookbooks out of the library, recently, including the newest one of Mireille Giuliano, The French Women don't get Fat cookbook. A few things in that one irritated me. The reason that a lot of Frenchwomen don't get fat is that they walk, or bicycle, places. I remember when I was in Paris two years ago, I walked everywhere. There are also fruit stands everywhere, so hypothetically, you can buy fruit right there and have a snack. There is a LOT less sugar in their food, too... and even the gluten-free prepped food was wonderful. It wasn't too sweet, and it had 'chew', like bread is supposed to have. The yogurt was just yogurt...no gelatin, no sugar, no additives...and the eggs were fresh enough that they were not refrigerated... which leads me into my next complaint.

We have a nationwide egg recall. Eggs from one 'farm' in the midwest have gone to almost every state in the Union. This is insane. When you add up the energy costs, not only to produce the eggs (feed the chicken, etc), but then to ship them, store them... its just crazy. Our food supply is so oil-based... and I don't know what happens to the 'old' laying chickens. It used to be they'd go into soup. Maybe pet food? I know they don't go for human consumption... but its amazing how fragile our food supply is....

I know the farm I use for eggs, milk, and veal has slaughtered a couple of heifers (maybe they went dry, I haven't asked), and I've been buying the meat... I should ask them if they ever have older chickens (stewing chickens) for sale...

How I am alone...

So I was reading one of the blogs on my list, and saw this poem on it:
How to Be Alone

I live alone. I have basically been alone since I was 16. Apart from the years with the ex from 27 to 32.

I used to dance by myself as a teenager. And I think I need to start doing that again.

I go to museums alone. I travel alone. When I went alone on the Queen Mary, people asked me why. I answered that I didn't want to wait for someone to come along who would do these things with me, because if I did, it might never happen.

Its more likely for me to do things alone than with someone. People I know all have their own lives, and their own agendas. They have kids, they have full-time jobs, they have family close by.

I have family in the summer, at certain times of the year. I go to the theater, go to concerts... but yes, I go to movies alone. I eat out alone.

Alone isn't hard, and alone doesn't have to be lonely. Of course, sometimes it is. And of course, sometimes its hard. But generally, I like alone...

But I like people too.

Makeup and me.

So I should really be getting ready for work, but instead I felt that I absolutely had to blog about makeup, nail polish, etc...I have a love/hate relationship with beauty products. I love the way I look when I wear makeup, I love color, painting my face, looking jazzy. However, I hate the chemicals in the makeup. I hate the artificial gunk, I hate the time it takes, and I'm not very good about incorporating it into my daily life. I tend to wear it when I'm being dressy.

What I wear? Eyeliner, eye shadow (blues, greens, gold, maybe copper, and sometimes purple), blush, and lipstick. I'll wear nail polish from time to time too, but am not very good at maintaining it.

You HAVE to be careful about colors. I spent the eighties looking as if I had been punched in the face with my purple eyeshadow (its was a strange bruise shade). I also had this odd matt blue nail polish... that being said, the new blues in nail polishes are fabulous. I've gotten compliments on the teal and green nail polishes I've worn....

I just bought some new makeup the other day, so I'm psyched. New eyeliner in a nice vibrant green, and new eyeshadow in the same. I do wish more of the natural cosmetic companies made funky colors and shades... I just love color, particularly in the summer....

I do think one needs to be careful with makeup...too many women end up going overboard and look too made up, or they look too natural...or even look like it was just slapped on. None of those work.... You have to have a balance. Figure out your best features (eyes and lips) and figure out how to highlight them....

Why being single sometimes sucks....

When your car decides to break down, after everything is closed. And you can't get hold of the rent-a-car place. And have to get to work the next morning.

Thank God for good, staunch friends.

Thank you, Michael, for getting me home...

The Power of Prayer...

This is inspired by my priest's homily this morning...he spoke about the Lord's Prayer and how he was always asked to recite it for guests, and how excited he was to know it by heart because it made him a prayerful person!

I learned the Lord's Prayer as a child, but was never asked to recite it for guests. I never identified knowing it with making me more prayerful, either... It has given me great comfort, at times, but my life has been so different from the 'traditional' Catholic life that sometimes I'm left at a loss for words. In NO way am I a traditional Catholic woman. I left the church in my teens, became agnostic, then came back to it at a later date. I'm not saying I don't have great love for my faith, but I've never learned the names of the saints, I don't stand up when the priest enters the room...

I think one can be prayerful without the Lord's Prayer, and prayerful with it. You can lead a prayerful life... but I think Jesus gave the disciples the prayer to show a new way of praying. To show that you don't always have to pray in the conventional manner....

Is this why Americans are fat? A plain and simple reason.

I went to a mainstream grocery store the other day. I know, I know, you are all aghast and amazed. They already had Halloween candy out. It was already on sale, too...something like a dollar a bag. They stop selling summer clothes and summer things halfway through the summer (Fourth of July, really), and its just becoming insane. Lets go back to when candy corn was actually a seasonal treat, can we? And when was the last time you could find a serving-size bag of something in a grocery store?

(Incidentally, I will be going back. They had some of the gluten-free stuff I like at much better prices than Whole PayCheck)

But even at Whole Paycheck I am amazed at how much processed food there is. How much candy, sugary stuff, etc....

What did you expect?

My friend Patrice posted this a while back, on her blog (Update the blog, Patrice! Tell us about Argentina!), and this morning, as I realise I am approaching my 40th birthday emotionally, its resonating with me a little bit.

I was supposed to be in New York with my parents this morning, but that did not happen (illness on my part).

I never thought I would still be single, living on my own, in my own house. I always thought I'd have some kind of interesting career, but it feels as if my life stopped being interesting in my mid-twenties, in some ways. I always thought I'd make a difference, change people's lives, in a good way.

I look around me and wonder where the kids are that I wanted... where the supportive partner is. I wonder why I am always drawn in by guys who seem to have their own agendas, and then drop me. I don't want a married guy, I don't want a lunatic. I would rather, at this point, have a divorced guy who has learned from his relationship issues....

I thought I'd be thin.

I do tend to have this idealized life of what my life should be...even here, I look around and think 'well, once I get the walls painted, the garden done, the kitchen redone...' or that I'm going up to MA every weekend, (except that conflicts with church and the farmers markets). I'm going to go to a sperm bank and get sperm and have a kid on my own... (except that does scare me too.. I can't quite seem to let go of the hope that I'm going to have a partner to share in all this).

I want something in a relationship that neither my parents nor my other relatives (of that generation) had. Sharing. Equality. We both being responsible, individual people. I don't want to get sucked into a relationship that causes me to ignore my friends, my life... I want us to each have our own lives and intersect. And intersect on the child raising, both being responsible for it. I've seen it happen. I know it exists. But finding it? I wish I knew.

Basically, although some things could be better in my life (cast me in a role, please! Someone!) I am pretty happy with my life. Things just keep getting better and better. No, I don't have a high powered career or a full-time job. But I make beautiful art. And I am a beautiful person inside, minus some of the insecurity.....

Integration, healing: thoughts on women's rights, empowerment, and saying stupid things.

Ok, so this post was prompted by watching the news and being told that Sarah Palin had said something stupid. She had apparently tweeted that there should not be a mosque built near Ground Zero in the interests of healing. That's not really the stupid thing, that is her opinion. The thing that made her look stupid was the made-up word, 'refudiate' which the media made a big thing of. Now, maybe it was a simple thing where she did it on her cell, and didn't catch the right letter.... who knows? (my cell tries to do similar things to me...if I let it, it would make all kinds of nonsense sentences).


The thing is, though, we need healing. The mosque really isn't at Ground Zero. And comparing moderate, normal Islam to the extremists who hit the Trade Center is like comparing a splintery plank bench to a down sofa. They are both things you can sit on, but that's it. (enough people have made the comparison with Christian extremists, or cultists of various degrees) Most Muslims are people who want peace. Who want to be able to worship God in their own way, following in the footsteps of Mohammed. And it would be wonderful to have a symbol of peace and healing next to the site that was caused by extremists. Yes, its frightening to see what extremism can do, but isn't the reaction of folks who don't want the mosque extremist in their own way?

We seem to be splintering our society more and more, and I'm not sure why, or how we can fix it. I was reading a book on motherhood, and in it was an essay by a black mother saying that essentially she participates in reverse discrimination, to a degree, in that there is a program called 'Jack and Jill' which is for black children, to make them aware of who they are and their heritage. In it, she admits that a lot of black parents apparently have problems with their kids dating white kids (there's a lot more to the essay, but that struck me...). I just don't know where the line gets drawn. Integration is only ok to a point?

Its the whole thing with women's rights too. There's still a double standard somehow. To get back to Sarah Palin, she ran Alaska for a while. She obviously must have been capable to some degree. But then she needed a makeover because she wasn't classy enough? She's not portrayed in a fabulous light by the media, but she must have some brains to have managed to become governor of Alaska. I don't like her, but I do think she is used, to a certain extent, as a whipping boy, so to speak. We all say stupid things from time to time, only hers are immortalised.

I just keep feeling that even as we get more and more integrated as a society, people are retreating more and more to labels and separating ourselves out, labeling ourselves as 'Other', and grouping negatively. I know I'm not saying this clearly (I'm writing very stream-of-concioussness). I just wonder. I have friends who identify themselves very strongly as a particular facet of themselves, but I see them as a whole. Its very hard to explain. I don't see people as 'black' or ' white' (or purple, for that matter). I dated a man from Trinidad for a while, and he pointed out that we were a biracial couple. (I don't remember the context of the comment, I think it was in response to a news story). It was something that I never really thought about as a defining characteristic, it was part of who he was.

I went to school with a lot of different folks, and had a lot of exposure to different cultures growing up, so maybe I'm completely different from the average American, but I never saw where anyone was from, or the color of their skin, as the defining characteric of who they are. Its like with me, I consider myself an American. But I'm also Egyptian. I'm a woman. I have a hearing impairment. I act. I sing. I do ceramics. But none of these are more important than any other. I don't define myself by being Catholic, or being short. Or by being single or childless. These are all part of what makes me me.

Why I will never be on 'Missed Connections'...

Not because I'm not pretty, or because I'm not active and busy...

I just don't like crowds. And the kinds of places I go are not frequented by the kinds of guys who post there...

You never see missed connections for the farmer's market, for Ikea, or for Lowes on a weekday. Or even for the poetry readings at Hillstead. You never see missed connections for the mall... Technically, I suppose this means I should be going to Lowes and Ikea on the weekends, when men can catch a glimpse of my gorgeousness....

but the thought makes me run away, screaming.....

There's only so much humanity I can deal with, after all....

Tired of shopping...too much plenty...

I was grumbling to myself this morning about not knowing how my grandmother did it. I'm stocking up for a weekend with ten people, and have more food in the house than I can shake a stick at. I am SO TIRED of trying to figure out what to buy.

And then, as I started to write this blog I kicked myself. Because so many people in the world have nothing. And we have food everywhere...so much food that we are all FAT. We need to take out gym memberships so that we can work out to become skinny. Because we have all these "labor-saving" devices.

We even have folks in this country who don't have enough to eat. So, now that I've reminded myself, even though I'm grumpy about still having to buy more food, I'm grateful that I can.

I still don't know how my grandmother did it. (Although I suspect its easier to stock up for a summer and replenish the pantry than buy for a full weekend kablooie)

I have : chicken, fruit(cherries, blueberries, bananas), cereal, bagels, bread, butter, tortilla chips, salsa, cheeses, asparagus, green beans, salad fixings, mushrooms, avocadoes, peppers, pistachios, cottage cheese, yogurt, rice, potatoes. I still need to buy milk and some kind of lunch meats. I thought about buying a ham, but there is no room in the fridge. I have a leg of lamb in the freezer I am taking up too.

Anything you would add to that?

4 teenage boys, 1 teen girl. God Help Us. (At least the forecast is good)

Homeownership fun!

So, I like being a homeowner. Even though the previous owner did things in a half-assed way. And they are slowly coming to light, and being fixed. And even though Michael wants to track him down and smack him.

But its nice to get work done on the house, to paint, to contemplate updating the kitchen, to get some color on the walls... To be able to do the backyard in fun plants and slowly transform it.

I wish there were greener options in Farmington, though. I would love there to be a green lawn service that would compost... and use electric mowers (or if I could rent sheep...I really want to be able to rent sheep!) Wouldn't it be fun if one could get a neighborhood herd of sheep? Have them graze the lawns of the whole neighborhood?

I'm glad that more companies are doing environmentally friendly products, too.

What is friendship?

Friendship is loyalty. Friendship is caring about another person's wellbeing. Friendship is giving and accepting. Friendship is knowing that someone may not be exactly like you, may not like the same games and things, but that you get along well, that you have a connection. Friendship is supporting your friend.

Friendship is forgiveness. Friendship is love. I have a couple of great friends. I've also lost a friend, and I'm grieving that. (He's not dead, we broke up).

I really wish we could talk, but he is feeling stressed. I'm trying to give him space so that maybe we can still be friends... but I miss him. I miss chatting with him on Facebook, I miss being able to get something to eat with him, I miss having someone who would always run out when it was time to shop...

I don't miss being nervous that he thought I was a snob... I don't miss his TMI moments, and I don't miss trying to reassure him that he would find a job. I don't miss feeling like he didn't trust me at times. I only told two things that he ever told me, and the first was before I knew him well. He told me he was looking for a job, and I shared that with another friend. And the other thing was something I was so horrified by, I told other people, because I thought he needed to hear reassurance that he didn't 'destroy the choir' from other people, not just me, because I didn't feel like my reassurance was getting through.

I know I screwed up a couple of times. And maybe I should have continued to go to Morning Mass. And maybe I should have sat with him at the catechists dinner... the morning Mass thing was because I didn't want to hear Father Flynn being negative about Doug on Mondays, or hear the ladies parroting his latest opinions.. I didn't want to be put in the role of intermediary. And then we became friends, and I REALLY didn't want to get put in the middle. And I didn't want gossip either. I didn't want people assuming there was more going on than just friendship, than just hanging out. So I tried to keep things a little separate.

And maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. Because supposedly 'everyone' was telling him not to go out with me. Why? I wish I knew. Because of gossip? Because I'm not the traditional Farmington homeowner? Because I'm not Martha Stewart? Because I'm not a good little through-and-through Catholic who has *gasp* lived with a man? Because I think women deserve a stronger role in the church? Because I hate the church's stance on some things?

I have friends. I have friends who are very different from me. I have polyamorous friends. I have gay friends, I have actor friends, musician friends, teacher friends. I have friends from college. I have friends who are pagan and friends who are Catholic. I have friends who are Muslim..... I have friends all over the world.

I just wish losing this one friend didn't hurt so much...

Damn Endo! Out, Out! (a vent about endo and my life)

I hate having endometriosis. Hate. With the White-hot-passion-of-a-thousand-suns HATE. It saps my energy, i get cramping, sex is no fun... and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never have kids. Because the chances are that I am infertile. And that sucks.

Going gluten-free has helped, but apparently not enough. Because the endo is getting worse again. Stress doesn't help either, and I have buckets of that. A former friend hates me, and that stresses me out. I just wish I could make things right. I don't use the cell phone constantly and didn't realise it was off. It was a missed connection, literally!

But when I am stressed, I stress eat. Which doesn't help either.

I feel alone. I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know people care about me, but I really don't want to get needy all over people... and I feel guilty for unloading on the few people I can..

I try to :Always Look on the Bright Side of Life but it can be tough. I just feel so alone.

Yes, I have many things other people would envy. I have a lovely home. I have a second place by a beautiful Lake. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

I don't have anyone to share it with. I try to have parties, and no-one comes. I try to do fun things, no-one comes. I have an odd background, and an odd family. (I love my family to death, but there is no question where my sarcastic sense of humour came from) I don't feel, even at age 40, that I belong anywhere.

My job has become more of a source of frustration than a challenge... I need to be able to grow, and am feeling stifled these days... and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better for myself.

I know I've tried things in the past that didn't work for me...Sleeping around didn't work, neither did the poly community (although that was in part the men I dated at the time). I'm not a traditional 'Farmington' person though. I'm not buttoned-up, repressed, demure, etc. I'm not 9-to-five. I give my all. I throw myself into projects...people... I'm enthusiastic, I try to learn from my mistakes, but then I go the other way.. It just seems that even in this day and age, people can't appreciate someone who is truly giving and loyal... if you have been my friend, ever, I will stick with you. And that works to my detriment.

I just wish I could share some of my amazing life with people who care about me. And I wish that life wasn't so damn superficial.

The Farmington Garden Tour...

Wow. This was inspiring! I wish I could have taken pictures of the kitchens...there were so many wonderful ideas! One kitchen had glass-fronted cabinets in front of the windows! How cool is that? Another, older, home had taken an old fireplace/brick oven and turned it into a desk area! There was a house with a dishwasher/sink nook tucked away, and the stove was facing out, towards the garden... I just have to find a wonderful stove now, so I can redo my house, make the bathroom back into a pantry (more of a 'butler's pantry', with a big sink in there for plants, etc)

And the gardens! I did get some ideas for what I want to do with mine... particularly from one house... and those I was able to take pictures of! Now I just need to upload them.....

I did end up getting drenched, and having to squish home and change...

Food, Health, and the environment...

As those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know, or who know me in Real Life, know that what we have done to our food supply is an increasing concern with me. I read a lot of blogs, and there is a lot of information on either side. There are 'studies' funded by the corporations and big agribusiness, and there are legitimate studies. Then the people in our government who are supposed to help keep us safe are also seemingly on the boards of some of these companies...can we say conflict of interest?

I read yesterday of a case where two dairy farms went out of business because of what they were putting on the soil, , and then this morning of .

It worries me. We have the technology for safe food, and for safe raw milk. But we get neither, because we have gone to big agribusiness... And there isn't a good control when things get so large. We end up with too much poop, too many bacteria, stronger bacteria, mold, and icky stuff. With pesticides and growth hormones on everything. And we have pills in the water, fumes in the air, and chemicals in our water. People become scared to eat salads or have lettuce on their sandwiches, so we get fatter, because the only things that are safe to eat are cooked to death. And it becomes a vicious cycle, because our bodies are less and less able to cope with bugs... and you can't eat this, you can't eat that... and the more crap we eat, the more crap we poop, the more junk gets into our environment...

And you know, this is why I buy from the farmer's market. This is why I buy raw milk in the summer from the farmer. Because at least this way I know where it comes from. I know its not coming from a huge conglomerate, that it hasn't been trucked around in the hot sun in a metal tank... I know its been picked fresh, and that if the eggs have a little poop on them, it can be washed off... but they haven't been sitting around for ages. They are fresh. And the poop at least is going back into the soil in a nurturing way, environmentally.... the way its supposed to. The raw milk folks run out of milk. Because the cows and sheep only produce a certain amount, and its not being artificially extended.

But we have the technology, the ability, to have safe food. I don't believe all the hype about raw milk, but I do think that it does lose nutrients being trucked around, or coming from unhealthy animals... and you can taste the difference.

The things I have to do!

(And all I want is to go lie on a beach somewhere, drinking a daiquiri)...

They are mostly house things... but some health things too. And I want to get a real job, but I want something creative, stimulating, and fun. I want something that will engage me. I just don't see the job I have leading to anything... and I feel that I've wasted five years.

1) estimates! (Why won't people do estimates any more?)
2)painting, painting, painting...
3)I need a laundry sink.
4)I also need a big freezer
5)and yard work
6) and I need to start dealing with the endometriosis again. I should probably have surgery for it, there's just no-one to give me TLC while I recover, and I'm not looking forward to trying to find a surgeon.
7) and once the endo is dealt with, then finding a sperm bank or sperm donor. At which time, my life will become even more busy. wheee.
8)I forgot adding in the ceramics studio for the basement.

And, because all of this becomes overwhelming to think about, I end up curled on the couch reading, or playing silly, pointless games on the computer. C'est la vie, eh?

I know I sound like a snob sometimes, I'm sorry, Doug.

I was keeping my mouth shut for a reason, about the ground chicken, yesterday. I used to love ground chicken... then I started reading about our food industry and slaughter in this country. I don't know how many hundreds of chickens are in that one pack of ground chicken, but I know that they had horrible lives, and ghastly deaths. I know I sound like a snob about food. But I grew up on food that was more like we ate in this country once upon a time. Local, fresh, sustainably raised, without a lot of chemicals. I was talking to my mom, and she said they used to freeze stuff in summer to eat in winter. They didn't really have fresh stuff in winter. And then there are articles that say eating organic is healthier. There is a Presidential Panel on Cancer that says just that:


I know organic food costs more. Which is why I shop at the Farmers Market in the summer. That way I can get lovely organic food for less. I know my spinach and strawberries have not been sprayed with toxic run-off from feedlots. Of course I can't eat all organic all the time, although I wish I could. But I just can't eat ground chicken that's been ground hundreds of miles away, from hundreds of chickens, who have lived miserable lives.

I don't eat commercial ground meat most of the time (I do get a burger out, once in a while, which I know I shouldn't even do that). There have been so many cases of people getting sick from meat.. it does scare me eating any feedlot beef. There are things one can do, and things one can't. And for me, trying to eat organic, trying not to eat feedlot meats, its what I do.

There are things I eat the ordinary, conventional ones of. Cheese. Avocadoes, watermelon, chocolate, yogurts, asparagus, bananas, oranges, dates, blueberries. Apples, grapes, and strawberries tend to have the highest pesticide residues, as well as spinach and peppers. The peppers are the only thing I tend to cave in on in the winter, because I love them.

Anyway, that's why I went silent on the ground chicken yesterday. I know I'm difficult, just think of me as Sally, from When Harry Met Sally, if that helps. 'I need a sandwich without the bread, no crumbs, no mayo, dressing on the side, fries in a little bowl to the side, and maybe some steamed broccoli, but make sure its crisp, not soggy, and not drowned in butter'.

Laughter is not always the best medicine....

*sigh*

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a strange sense of humor. I really hurt a friend of mine inadvertently. And its killing me that I hurt him. He thinks I was laughing at him, he's in a VERY tough place right now. I wasn't laughing at him, I was laughing because otherwise I'd cry. I wish I knew what to do, I know I can't make things better for him. All I could do was listen and try to be a friend. And because I have this odd way of looking at stressful situations (I always have done this, its the only way I've survived), it made it worse. I try to see the humor in things, the absurdity of situations that are so awful it makes you want to scream. Because sometimes you can't change things, and can't make things better. But I'm sorry I laughed. It wasn't a 'its so funny laugh, haha' it was a bitter laugh, an ironic laugh. Its the laughter that stops me turning into my bitter obsessive neighbors... that keeps me working in a job that I sometimes love and sometimes despise.

I try to see the humor in every situation...that's why I sometimes call myself Miss Havisham, or an old maid... or even, sometimes, very quietly, even though its a phrase I HATE, a 'fag hag'. Because most of my good male friends are gay these days... (God forbid anyone else call me one...because I really am not. I do have straight male friends too, its just a question of my morbid sense of humor making an appearance once again)

I love to laugh.... because, otherwise, I'll cry.

And I wish I knew how to make the situation better with my friend. This is one thing I can't laugh about, hurting someone. I can't stand conflict...

Bits and Pieces. Or should that be Kibbles and Bits?

Hehe. My brain is so random, sometimes. Does anyone else remember that ad? Is it just me, or did ads used to be much more catchy? Although I have to say I loved the Verizon takeover of Big Red...THAT made me smile.

Thanks to my friend MaryAnne, I am now trying to figure out what to name my house. My house needs a name! And no, I'm not calling it Mallsview Manor, although that would be accurate.

I'm finally slapping up paint samples on the walls. I'm going to be so happy when its painted inside...

A friend asked me yesterday what I am doing for my 40th Birthday. I answered that I am in denial. Its not just a river in Egypt! Eeek, 40. I don't feel 40.

I'm going to get my legs waxed for the first time today. See? You can still have firsts, even at 39!

On a more serious note, I'm all for organics, but most people can't afford them. We need to do something to make good, healthy food available for people. Food that hasn't been genetically altered, or sprayed with toxic sludge. Conventional crops are sprayed with the raw sewage waste from animal farming... and most things now are so artificial that they stay 'fresh' forever. I have a thing of lettuce in my fridge that has been there for a month (still in its packaging) and it still looks fresh. What does that say about what we are putting in our bodies?

I need some summer work clothes. I have no clothes. Bleah. I need one more pair of jeans, some light slacks, and summer clothes. I have nothing. And I need shoes. Wheeeee.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

So many things are coming to a head now. The oil spill in the Gulf shows this in crystal clarity. We need oil in this country, badly, but this need, this desire, hunger, craving, insatiable appetite for oil has caused an environmental disaster. We use oil in so many, many ways. Not only to heat our homes, but to make plastics, paint, throwaway things. To make pesticides, herbicides, fungicides. To fuel big agribusiness (which is causing its own brands of environmental chaos). To run our cars, busses, trains. To light our cities, houses, towns, run our computers, gizmos and gadgets. Where does it stop? How do you stop it when there is a relentless mania for cheap? Cheap is not healthy or environmentally sane. However, there are fewer and fewer good choices these days, and even at Whole Foods you end up buying the same commercially raised, big-agribusiness foods, for more money. But back to the oil spill...

maybe, just maybe this oil spill will wake people up to the fact that we use way too much oil, that we need to be more environmental. The oil spill will kill the wetlands...and they will become fiction, like the cartoons of The Princess and the Frog, or The Rescuers. They will be gone. So will cheap shrimp (shrimp farmers are in danger too...they are their own version of environmental chaos, but still, once they go out, we will have to rely more on the wild, which causes its own enormous environmental load). I'm starting to wonder if we have now slapped Mother Earth with more than she can take. The oceans are becoming overfished as it is, with huge amounts of bycatch being discarded every day, and fewer and fewer fish.

I'm honestly scared. I honestly wonder if we are going to be losing our food sources. We need to rally now. We need to buy local as much as possible, support local farmers. We need to find sustainable options for our fish, our meats, our dairy. We need to find environmental alternatives to sucking up huge amounts of power....

How it happens...

So I have not been to the dentist in an embarassing number of years. I've also, yes, become a little lax with hair removal, things like that...

The dentist is actually mostly a fear. I had a lot of doctors sticking a lot of things in my mouth when I was small, and I just hate it. I start to panic at the thought of going to the dentist... and I know a couple of very nice dentists, personally, but I would never go to them because I start to panic... literally, I am scared to death. A friend asked me yesterday, "And you kiss boys with that mouth?" No, I don't, and that's part of the problem. I get a little lazy when I'm not really dating (at this point, I've pretty much given up. Most of the men my age are slimy, married creeps, as far as I can see). But yes, I know I should get my teeth cleaned. I'm just terrified. And I know they have drugs, but drugs intensify the problem for me. I can't take sleeping pills either...

But things like this start small. If you are single, you start going to bed without showering, sometimes. Or you fill up the other side of the bed with books...or you have cheese and crackers for dinner. You neglect to shave your armpits or your legs in winter because its too much hassle when its just for you.

And then one day you look at yourself and you are the crazy-cat-lady without the cats. I don't know why we are so programmed to look nice for other people, but not for ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I do shower, I do eat healthy food, and do have some pampering time. I do wear makeup, sometimes get a mani or pedi, but I'm not high-maintenance girl, either.

I do, however, need to get to the dentist. I know I do. But God help me, I'm so scared. I know its not rational. But its true.

In Which Stacy and Clinton would have a Field Day with me and my wardrobe.

And Trinny and Susannah would be aghast. I love funky clothes. I love shopping at Forever 21. I like a mix of leggings, yoga pants, no bra (hate, hate, hate bras with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns). I like form-fitting clothes (not tight, but form-fitting..I have a reasonably shapely figure, even though I'm a few pounds heavier than I'd like). I wear a lot of knits, but also have some very girly clothes.... I love lace, pretty shoes, hats (love love love love hats). I love dressing up. I love color.

Yes, I could go out and buy a bunch of suits so I can look polished and professional. Strict blouses, tie my hair back. I hate chinos and khaki and beige with a passion. I hate baggy clothes, that look like you are covering things up. (however, don't let things spill out all over creation either... there is such a thing as too much cleavage and too much skin). I like feeling feminine... I love dresses.

Trying....

Ok, I know its been forever since I've written a post. There are so many things I've tried to start writing about, get halfway through, and then give up. I'm getting busy again, and running around like a maniac. So I'll give you some bullet-points.

I just finished J.S.F's Eating Animals. I cringed and whimpered so many times while reading that. Such cruelty in these slaughterhouses. Such waste in the fishing industry. We've got to fix these things. There has got to be a way to fish sustainably. We have got to get back to eating the whole animal, and killing them without needless cruelty. Do we really need cheap meat that much? (yes, we've also ruined agriculture, too with huge monocultures)

I am single, female, and like sex. In the culture I grew up with, that would get me shunned at best, and probably killed. Even in this culture, a single woman who likes sex is seen as a slut. Um, no. I like looking at men, I like the feel of the male body. This does not make me a slut.
I also have endo, which can make sex problematic at times. When I go to the dr asking for help, I don't want to be told 'Avoid penises'. This just makes me avoid the dr.

On a related note, men are strange. BLEAH.

And on the sex note, I am not a cougar, or a BBW. I'm larger than I'd like, yes, but I don't see myself as being that large. And a cougar is someone who aggressively chases younger men. Um no. Not me. I look, I admire, but too much younger? No. And I'm not really aggressive.
(Yes, sometimes I like playing the dom... but that's a different story)

Also, trying to find a balance... yes, there is a part of me that wants to find the 'right' man, but mostly I doubt he even exists. And I like having my own space, my own life. I'm having real trouble trying to figure out how dating and a romantic relationship would even fit into my life. But I don't want 'Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am' either. I want respect, even in a sex-only relationship...

On Endometriosis

I'm posting this today because, on Facebook, at least, its Yellow Shirt Day, where people wear a yellow shirt to honor people with endometriosis. I am just one person with endo, but I hate this disease. Its debilitating, exhausting, frustrating. Doctors are usually no help. Right now its under control. more or less, by my having gone gluten-free. But I was one of the lucky ones, as I was diagnosed relatively early in my life.

This is my story. Its longer than my usual posts, and has some TMI moments. Just warning you.

So, I've always had horrible periods. Truly horrible, first-day sick, periods. Periods that were so bad I would have to take massive amounts of Advil just to survive... People can still, to this day, tell when I have my period. I'll show up for work looking white and exhausted... but back to the saga of my endo.

I was 18, in my freshman year in college. I started having severe abdominal pain. And feeling absolutely exhausted. Went to the health center. They were no help. Went to a couple of drs. No help there. The health center started telling me that it was all in my head, and I should go see a shrink. *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* um, no, this pain is real, thank you. My parents and sister came over from Egypt for Christmas, to try to help me get diagnosed. Now endo can really only be diagnosed through surgery, through a laparoscope.

So, I had the surgery, and yay! They found endo! At least now I could feel vindicated, although I never appreciated the surgeons' little comment about 'well, if you really want to cure it, you should get pregnant'. ha, freaking, ha. At 18! A freshman in college? (And a virgin at the time, too). I don't think so, Dr Doofus. So then I went on the Pill, full time, to stop having periods at all. This I liked. I was functional. The only problem was, I gained weight on the pill. Big time (or so I thought, at the time). But otherwise, I was functional. Then the doctor decided I should start having periods again.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH. It wasn't any better. I was right back with severe, incapacitating pain. So I took the logical next step, asked the doctor what to do next? (This was the summer between my junior and senior years). And the answer was to simulate menopause (or go on a male hormone that would essentially do the same thing, but have some permanent side effects). I opted for the simulated menopause. NOT a good idea.

Mood swings, night sweats, lack of ability to concentrate... I basically flunked out my senior year because of this drug. It was all menopause, all the time. All the symptoms, all at once. Fortunately, I had good enough grades from the previous three years that i was able to transfer in enough credits to graduate later on. I missed graduating with my peers. I never wore the cap and gown.. and that is something I'll always regret.

In Baltimore, I was living with someone. (I just felt I didn't have another option to get away, to try to make my own choices). What they didn't tell me about the menopause drug is that it also was a fertility drug. I got knocked up.

Now on the one hand, I was overjoyed. i'd had five years, at this point, of doctors telling me, "The best cure for endo is to be pregnant, but it also causes infertility, so you may not be able to become pregnant'. On the other, I was essentially alone, in the city, with no-one to talk to. I couldn't talk to my parents, or any of my family. I couldn't talk to any of my friends from college, because I was ashamed of not having graduated with them. The father shut down and wouldn't talk to me at all. I have never felt so alone, and so terrified, and so angry. I had an abortion. It was a horrible experience, and one I regret every day as I pass out of my thirties without ever having another chance to be pregnant. Without having had other kids.

Anyway, back to the saga of the endo... so about two years later, the endo was getting really bad. It hurt to go to the bathroom because things were so twisted and adhered inside... I remember crying because it hurt so much, not wanting to have a bowel movement... (yes, TMI, I know) I found a wonderful surgeon (who, unfortunately, retired) who did a lap, found that my ovary was twisted up behind my uterus, between that and the bowel, and covered in so much endometrioma that it was the size of a grapefruit. He had to remove part of the ovary, but he cleaned up as many adhesions as he could... and put things back the way they were supposed to be.

So I came out of that, recovered...and then started to try various dietary approaches. Because surgery is a last resort. You don't want to have regular surgery for the rest of your life, unless you are Joan Rivers. I tried adding soy. I tried eliminating soy. I tried going vegetarian... I tried a lot of supplements, herbs... and a lot of it was still just survival...

I dated, moved in with someone, lived with him, dumped his sorry ass after a few years, and got back on track with my health. I had gained a ton of weight with the ex as he insisted that what I really needed for the cramps was alcohol. So he medicated me with large glasses of grain alcohol in fruit juice every 23 days (my cycle has always been regular, 28 days). I ballooned up to a size 22/24 because I had no energy (one of the effects of endo on me, was having killer cramps, and was having all this alcohol poured into me one week every month).

So, after getting rid of the ex, moved up to MA to detox. I bought a book on Endometriosis and nutrition. And one of the things it suggested, among other things, was that the majority of women with endo are allergic to wheat, dairy, or both. I went on an elimination diet, discovered I had a wheat allergy. I stopped using tampons, and started using washable pads to try to eliminate some of the toxins in women's feminine products. I started going to a gyn who was into supplements and natural healing, which helped some.

I still have horrible periods. I am probably never going to have a kid, as much as I would have loved to. I use some natural cramp bark and supplements to try to manage the endo, but eventually I am going to have to find a surgeon.

The things I wish I could change about the treatment of endo? The drs need to learn sympathy. I can't tell you how many doctors made the crack about 'haha, all you need is to get pregnant and your endo will go away'. WRONG. And the 'cures' are basically the same things they have been using for about fifty years. The pill, simulated menopause, and then "ok those didn't work, lets take everything out". But then they put you on hormones because you are still too young, and the nedo responds to the hormones......

Some of the things I have gone through with endo...pain with my periods that is overwhelming. Pain with sex. Hormonal fluctuations. Frustration with doctors and the traditional methods of dealing with endo...one surgical technique is to sever the nerves to the uterus to minimize the pain... and yes, I was desperate enough to authorize it, although it wasn't done. In my support groups, women have gone through horrible things, undergone quack remedies, because they were not getting relief from the traditional treatments. The traditional treatments are almost as bad as the disease. You end up assessing how functional your life is before going in.... and there are still shade of a story I read, in high school, of the room with the yellow wallpaper, to the treatment. That if you remove the offending organ, the uterus, all will be cured. It won't. And we need new treatments, new approaches, and a cure for this debilitating disease.

Continually amazed and bemused....

So, after reading various blogs condemning MeMe Roth (and I'm sorry, why not spell your name Mimi, since that is how it is pronounced) I decided to go to the website and watch the whole uproar.

"Is it OK to be Fat?"

*sigh*

All I really got for my troubles was a headache. No, MeMe Roth doesn't really have any qualifications, and her compatriot is a woman who went on a diet successfully. And the opponents are a fat chick and a 'plus-size' model with an eating disorder. Neither side really had stellar qualifications. Yes, they had a dr stand up in the middle of the whole yelling mess... but both sides had points.

Yes, being fat isn't healthy. But some people have a harder time losing it than others. And Fat people should not be discriminated against. (My experience with being fat was that it made me invisible, seriously. Better than a superpower ever could).

Yes we, as a nation, are fat. But dieting is not the answer. And while the Fat Acceptance movement has some wonderful ideas, you should definitely love yourself, and love your body as it is, being overweight does put a tremendous strain on your body.

I am on a messageboard with a number of fat people. Its a food messageboard. There is one woman in particular who is fat, angry, and defensive. She says 'Yes I'm fat, but I'm healthy', at the same time, then in other posts, she lists numerous diseases she has, and claims that she can't exercise. Instead, she seems to spend all her time online. And, from what she's listed as her eating habits? BLEAH. A lot of the folks on the food board are FAT. Big-time. Pun intended. And they got angry when the host of the show to which the board is dedicated made a comment about the size of his viewership. The body size of his viewership. And expressed concern.

I'm also on another messageboard. A messageboard for 'healthy eating'. And this one seems to go the other direction. Measuring portions, weighing every week, exercising even when injured.

And I ask myself where the balance is. We used to be able, as a country, to be relatively fit, healthy, without counting calories, going on the Atkins diet, taking supplements avery second, drinking gallons of water.

Where did it go wrong? Did it go wrong when our food supply became loaded with corn syrup? Did it go wrong when we had less and less realistic images to measure against? When we stopped eating all parts of the animal? When we stopped doing outside things and got sucked into the depths of the Internet and cable tv?

And speaking of tv, look at some of your old shows...the ones that had a fat person in them. Fat Albert, Facts of Life, Railroad Junction (I think that's what it was called), even Gilligan's Island. The fat folks look normal now.

And that is odd. I'm not saying fat people aren't people. That they shouldn't be treated like people. But at the same time that we accept and love ourselves, at every size, we can still get back to a healthier size. And maybe we should look within ourselves and love the inner us.

Love yourself, for you are beautiful. And don't be angry. I heard so much anger on that show... anger from the woman who lost 200 lbs, anger from Meme, just so much anger. And maybe the first thing we have to do is stop the anger.

Last night I had the strangest dreams....

I usually don't remember my dreams, AT ALL. But last night I had two very, very strange dreams. One of them is self-explanatory, really...and yes, I can read the typing on the screen for that one. My computer became possessed. There was an odd 'home' address that suddenly showed up, at first, it didn't seem to do anything...then it started doing strange things and I couldn't get rid of it. I was showing someone, and then the computer came up with my image, inside the computer, yelling and gestulating. (And it was in color, yes I dream in color). I remember thinking that must be an image from the future...

And no, I have not read that creepy Hugo-Award winning story of Harlan Ellison's again.. 'I have no mouth but I must scream'.

Obviously SOMEONE needs to get off the computer and get a life...

My other dream was much more interesting, but I remember less of it, of course. Alligators. Two alligators, locked in the attic, which escaped. There was a pair of foxes too. One of which was trapped in the room with the alligators. The other one kept asking (yes in speech, it used its words) me to help get the other one out, but I couldn't because of the alligators, couldn't let them get free. I went out, came back, and the alligators were free...

I think I was preparing to go catch the alligators when I woke up. I have a memory of thinking 'alligators like pork, I'll have to get some chunks of pork'.

So I guess the moral of this story is for the next week or so, I should avoid computers and alligators. Although, really, one should always avoid alligators. Its just common sense.

Burqas and banning....

As someone who grew up in a Muslim country, I'm disturbed by this talk of banning burqas. Because a burqa is not a clear-cut case of 'slavery', as so many people want to label it.
As in this article:




Its just not that simple, for Heavens sake! While growing up in Kuwait and Egypt, there were various levels of dress. There were women who went around with nicely coiffed hair, some makeup... there were women who wore a headscarf... and yes, there were a few women who did wear burqas. But it was as much a matter of choice then as anything. It was equivalent to wearing a coat, to a certain extent. You would look really glamorous at home, but you would put your headscarf on to go out. In some ways, it was like carrying Mace here, in the States.

Yes, there are places where it is used as a prison, of reducing a woman to an object, but sometimes it is just a cigar, to mix my metaphors. Burqas, chadors... you know, its not always a symbol of oppression.

I just always hate talk of banning, as well. Banning isn't going to change minds, change societies, change comfort levels. Banning, particularly in the Middle East, has led to the opposite effect. And if we are a free society, why are we banning this? Its a fine line. We don't ban the Orthodox Jewish men from dressing as their religion dictates. We don't ban the Hare krishnas from wearing their yellow robes in the airports. Why are we banning this? Just because it makes us uncomfortable? Why not talk about it instead?

I always found a mystery about a woman in a full veil...Or when you can see their eyes... you can still tell if someone has kind eyes.

And sometimes they find it freeing to wear those. And sometimes it can be a woman's own expression of religious devotion to want to wear a veil. Who are we, in the Western world, to decide if someone is being oppressed? Change has to happen from within. Not imposed from without.

Health and Eating and our Food Supply

The more I learn about food, our food supply, and our eating habits, the more amazed I am. We've really messed up our bodies, our health, and our food, in so many ways.

The most recent example of this is iodine deficiency. Iodine is blocked by soy flour (hello? this is in everything, including a lot of g-f stuff). We eat less iodine and iodide than we need, and a lot is blocked by other things. The foodie revolution, insisting on sea salt or kosher salt, has affected this, as well. But apparently a lot of folks have a lot less than they need, and instead of approaching it from a nutritional perspective, doctors approach it from a 'lets give it a pill' perspective.

I really, really wish there was more of a 'whole-body' approach. Even my GYN, who takes a natural approach, uses pills/capsules of 'natural' remedies and vitamins, instead of looking at the whole eating picture.

I do wonder if this is one of the reasons why I do better in summer when drinking the raw milk, though. Its fresher, and doesn't have supplemental things added to it. If I ever have kids, I think I'll heat it at home, do the low-slow pasteurization, and let them drink that.

But all our food comes through a pipeline. Even our water comes through pipes, pumped through miles of pipes, and how can THAT be better for us? The packaged salads have all kinds of bacteria... its just sad. I'm so tired of reading more stuff that scares me about our food supply, about more ways we are ingesting toxins. Everything is wrapped in plastic, or doused in chemicals. If its low-fat, the fats have been replaced with fillers.

Powdered milk (the stuff I grew up on) has been implicated in health issues. The lining of cans (since cans now have a nice plastic coating) releases BPA. Everything has pesticides. Nothing is actually ripe. We have monocultures of one crop, one type of mango, one type of banana...

All our food has crud in it. Its all highly processed, even the organic stuff.

And just trying to find things like organic beef liver, or organic chicken liver. *sigh*

Trying to figure out what seafood is sustainably harvested, what isn't going to kill our oceans.

And they are finding, more and more, that things like lard, suet, butter, are actually healthier for us than the other stuff, the substitutes. (granted, non-hydrogenated lard, suet, organic/grass-fed butter).

But we also have huge amounts of things. Its so hard to find stuff in reasonable quantities. Some things, like potatoes and onions, ok, buy in bulk. But why can't we get 'yogurt-size' cups of sour cream? I've thrown away more sour cream in my life because I only need three spoonfuls for a recipe.... this is when countries like France, who have their markets, make sense. You can buy enough creme fraiche for the recipe... you can buy cheese in the amount that you'll eat... you can buy stuff in the amount you need, that you'll use! Fruit, veg... and nothing has corn syrup in it. Its simpler, like food used to be.

Lets get our food supply simpler!

Teen CDs, and messages thereof...

So yesterday, at work, I tidied up the teen CDs. And I got to see some of what modern teens are listening to. (Unfortunately, a bunch of new CDs got stolen last week) I was horrified at some of the images of women shown on the covers. Its not just the CDs, though. So many of the teen books are these 'clique'-type books. Marshmallow for the mind, books that celebrate cliques, that are about sex, about popularity, just real real dreck. There are a few creative, intelligent teen books, but most of what I see saddens and horrifies me. So many vampire/undead teen books, and so many of these vapid teen books. There are very few strong, independent women in teen books, CDs, movies.

It is no wonder that teens are wearing sweatpants with 'juicy' emblazoned on their derrieres! It is very sobering. When all you have in the stores for teens, as cute clothes, are bootylicious or boobilicious. When they are constantly bombarded with images of women as sex toys, of women as brainless bimbos, of women who have to be in a clique to be strong... how are we going to have strong girls who grown up to be strong women? How are we going to have girls who feel good about themselves and their bodies?

When its a constant message, a constant bombardment...

The Mythology of Women

There has become this grand mythology of women these days. According to the magazines and advertisers women are these impossibly perfect, almost alien beings. They cook, clean, take care of 30 kids, hold down a full-time job, read, are perfectly manicured and hairless in ALL the right places. They never have cramps, a messy house, or a bad period. The linens are always starched, curtains and decor are changed seasonally, they are always fragrant. Immaculate makeup and hair, of course. And a zit? God Forbid.

Even in my boarding school, 20 years ago, there was a mythology that your period really didn't affect you. I remember the teacher telling us that you used to get a 'sick' day automatically for the first day of your period, and I STILL remember thinking 'what a marvelous idea'. The teacher then went on to say that of course that was hogwash.... that no-one's period affected them that much.

(And yes, maybe you can tell, its that time for me...bleah). But I am continually surprised and disturbed at the amount of image manipulation there is in our lives. From photoshopping already skinny women into almost stick figures... or having the message blared at you that with the 'right' feminine products you too could have a 'Happy' period, to even the images of women on TV...

There are the women of 'Mad Men', glamorous, poised, coiffed, but powerless. There are the women of Wisteria Lane, who are supposedly friends, but also bitter enemies. There are the catty 'Real Housewives'. There are, in almost every sitcom, the skinny, gorgeous, intelligent woman, with some fat ignorant slob.

Where are the professors? The educated, literate, capable women who do exist? Where are the women who build things, or drive trucks? The historical women? (and NOT Messalina or Cleopatra, or the bitchy power-hungry women of Rome) Show me real women, women with curves, women with a little grey in their hair. Women who have cramps, or who have meltdowns.... and who have normal meltdowns, not boil-the-bunny meltdowns.

I miss tv characters like Claire Huxtable, or even Xena (the earlier shows). Heck, even Buffy's mom had some potential. But enough with the vapid helpless female images! Why not show us single mothers who have made it work, and how. Why not show us that women can be sweaty and beautiful? Or be gorgeous without having to shave their armpits and legs ten times a day...

(And while I'm dreaming, why not make comfortable, smart clothes that women can wear? I hate chinos and I hate jeans. And I don't want to dress like a teenager. But I want to look cute, not like a matron...(I may be old enough to be someone's mom, but at the moment its not likely that I ever will be).

If you are going to give us fantasy, make it a fantasy that is positive. Make it one about women who achieve, without backstabbing anyone. Make it about being a good parent, a loving parent. Make it about being happy and beautiful in your own skin.

That's what I'd like to see in the media.

The bias against religion in modern society...

I was just on Facebook. And someone posted a comment on one of my friend's status, basically denigrating religion. And its one of the few 'acceptable' biases to have, in this day and age. Yes, organised religion has its drawbacks, and there are fundamentals of every creed. But when did it become ok to mock someone's belief? Someone's moral code? The majority of people who follow an organised religion are not sheeple. (I sometimes think that the metaphor of Shepherd and Sheep can be taken too far, its supposed to be an image of protecting and guarding, the Shepherd image, not the sheep). It almost seems as if the more equal and aware we get, the more we need some kind of scapegoat...one last bastion to belittle. Usually, unfortunately, people equate Catholicism with the 'bad' organised religion. (Catholicism and Islam, because those terrorists are Islamic, and those nasty Muslims oppress women).

Yet, at the same time, religion gives people a moral code (and you can have a moral code without having a religion, of course you can. And you can be an amoral bastard with religion). Religion gives people comfort and support. But its not, as I used to think, a crutch. It is having inner strength, being able to rely on yourself, but also knowing that you always have help... it is having a sense of comfort when people die, its a support for so many people. And it can do great good in the world, as well...

Pondering Pregnancy...

So, as you all know, I'm single. Quite so. And, unfortunately, I don't end up meeting nice straight, single guys. Its a fact. And I'm also, on the whole, fairly happy with my single life. The one thing I'd like, really, is to have a kid (or two...)

Yes, I know I can adopt. And I'm looking into that as well. But I'd rather have a kid of my own body and blood...if I still can.

This is really being triggered by a few things... a few people at work and church are pregnant, and I'm 39. I've thought about it for a while, but I'm really wanting this. Yes, I know that I won't really have time to blog or Internet with a kid. But I can give a kid so much... which is why I'm also looking at adopting. Because there are kids out there with nothing...

But trying to get pregnant without a physical man in the picture can be tricky. Sperm banks feel somewhat sleazy... I don't know if its the resemblance to dating sites, or the fact that they are paid to jack off...there's also the issue that you don't really have background on the guy, or even how many women have used the sperm. How many half-siblings are running around? And if its a local bank, this gets to be a bigger issue (inadvertent pun, sorry)...

But do you ask a friend for his sperm? How do you deal with the legal implications of that? Or the emotional implications? Because even if you are friends, completely platonic, (or he is gay) there is still an emotional aspect to fathering a child... and he will be watching the pregnancy happen... and if he is a good person, he'd feel an emotional responsibility, even if you both signed something absolving him.... but the advantage is that you'd know, or be able to ask about, any medical/family stuff...

My sister says she knows so many people who have given up and gone ahead with having a kid alone... I don't know, I want to have kids, but I almost wonder if going ahead would be, in a way, equivalent to giving up on meeting someone nice...

I regret my choice of 16 years ago so much. Damn. It felt necessary at the time, but if I'd only known....

Maybe I'm overthinking this...

Harmonious Matches....

So I've decided to put myself out on the meat market again.... see what happens. I have a few criteria for looking through profiles. Spelling is the most important. Spelling and grammar.
Another is if the guy reads. I want a reader, someone who loves literatchooor... If they are separated, no dice. The same if they are fresh out of a relationship. One I just read said that he doesn't want the potential girlfriend around when he has the kids, and no he doesn't want help with them... ok, back away sloooooowly....

But it looks like there are a lot of smart, funny, well-educated guys out there... I'm sure my profile raises red flags with some guys... its a given. But someone will see the bright, shiny person underneath the profile, and that is what counts.

Edited to add: Some of these profiles really make me roll my eyes...the guy who has 10,000 spelling mistakes and says at the end that he loves spell check. If you love it, use it!

And if you are separated, divorced, AND widowed? ummmm no. Just no. I'm sorry you've had such terrible luck. Truly. And if you are separated? Sorry, get your divorce, THEN we will talk.

The worst problem I'm finding is that I'm supposed to be dating 40 year-olds. AAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHH. In my heart, I'm still 21!

New Years Resolutions. 2010

Ok. I've been reading a lot of New Years Resolutions... most have to do with eating right and exercising... I love Neil Gaiman's list:


I also love this idea, from The Happiness project, of finding one small thing to do each week to make yourself happy:


So this year, I want to try something new. I've thought about trying out for an artists model for a while (although the thought does make me a teeny bit nervous, even though an exboyfriend of mine, who was an artist, was surprised that I'd never sat as a model), I want to do something that stretches my comfort level a little. That's the only way one grows. Keep doing, learning, growing.

I want to keep going with the ceramics, the singing, the acting. I'm going to set up an account on one of these dating sites, and follow up on it, start actively dating this year. And yes, I will accept fix-ups. Does anyone recommend one dating site over another?

I might even try to adopt a kid... I need someone who will show me how to work an I-Pod, after all! ;)

What NOT to do with your Christmas Tree.

So I just read a post, where it is ten things to do with your Christmas tree. Supposedly sourced from a professional.

There is one actively dangerous tip in there. The one about using your christmas tree for wood. Nooooooooo. No, no, no, NO! Pine sap is one of those things that burns really fast, and also can be responsible for putting the gunk in your chimney that can cause a chimney fire.

(you can use parts of the branches for starting fires, since they catch really well, but not a fire made entirely of Christmas tree! You'll end up with a fire made of house, too). This is also why you never should place a live Christmas tree next to the fireplace, no matter how pretty it looks.

There are only two really worthwhile tips in there: The fish habitat and the mulch. but the above tip is the only really actively dangerous one.

And my tree stays up until Epiphany. :) This year, it may become a Valentine tree too.

And on that note, off to build a fire and enjoy the snowy day....