New Hope for a New Year...

What would I like to see happen in 2010? I've got many hopes and dreams...will they happen? Who knows. The last year has been so amazing, in so many ways. I'm constantly discovering more facets of myself... growing, stretching. I'm still singing. I act, I do ceramics, I read....I spend waaay too much time on Ye Olde Internet. What would I like? I'd still like so much, a partner, a lover, a soulmate. Someone who would cherish me and treasure me. I'm still holding out for true love. But I look out my window at the full moon rising through the trees, and think how good my life is. I have good friends, I have a home...I have warmth, food.... and so much potential, still... My life is still blossoming into an amazing flower.

A New Year, 2010, the year of the Sci-Fi...

Its interesting to me, the years that have been marked in literature that, so far, I've lived through. 1984, 2001, and now (hopefully) 2010. Heinlein did the right thing in creating artificial/alternate timelines... Even though none of those books are really 'dated', because the small matter of dates aside, they are timeless... but I always thought we'd be somewhere else by 2010. It still seems, when I type it, to be a magical number.... I do feel that we ought to usher it in with a 'Zarathustra' theme... dah dah dah dahdum!

(I hated the movie version of 2010, though)

I always thought, by 2010, we'd have solved some of our issues. Instead, the oceans are overfished, we have horrible food poisoning from our food supply, we have incredible waste, but starving people around the globe... and its hard to solve. Some folks say to go vegan but does the impact of going vegan include the cost of manufacturing all that fake meat? The fact that the landscape of the Amazon rain forest is being deforested to grow soy? And PVC isn't really a healthy alternative to leather.

I liked most of this article, except for the foie gras portion.... I like foie gras. And I like veal, and tender little baby lambs. The thing is that if it is properly done, properly raised, its not torturing the animals.

I do agree with the no corn syrup thing. I just wish we could get back to a sane mentality about food. In Europe, you have a meal, you have a little bit of everything, and you have dessert. Or you have a small cookie with your coffee, a macaron, maybe. But its not a super-jumbo-huge cartwheel of a cookie.... Its not a plate of pasta that could serve four people...

So maybe, instead of going on a diet, or throwing away the gorgeous chocs you got for Christmas, you could just enjoy a little bit of something. Go for quality, health and pleasure.....

Feeling alone....

Nothing makes you feel more alone than being sick... I'm just so mind-achingly alone. I don't have peers to talk to, I don't have kids (and probably will never have kids at this point). I don't have a career. I live completely alone, my life is alone. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to take care of myself when my head has been in the toilet for five hours.

Yes, of course there are some good things about my life. I've had a fun role in a play, which has been fabulous, I'm involved with the theater, and I have a few supportive friends. I do ceramics, which is wonderful for me. I just need more. I'm tired of sleeping alone, of coming come to an empty house. I'm just so tired of it being just me, all the time. And not being able to move forward. I'm just stuck. Stuck in the same damn place. Bottom of the totem pole. Not being able to use/showcase my talents.

I'm smart, literate, pretty good with people, fair computer skills, artistic, creative. And yet....

In some ways, I feel more alone here than I did up in MA...because here I have other people's happy families shoved in my face, constantly. God, I need a hug. Or maybe five.

On being single for the holidays....

*sigh*

I used to love Christmas. Part of me still does. I love the scents, the feel, having a fire blazing in the hearth, listening to Christmas carols, celebrating the joy of the season, wishing everyone Merry Christmas, or even Happy Holidays. I love eggnog.

But I know I'm going to wake up in an empty house Christmas Day. And I haven't been invited to any parties this year...I feel like I have the cooties. Particularly when I see pics on Facebook of other people having a blast. And it just hurts. I always thought I'd have met someone by this time. I always wanted to be able to have kids I could give Christmas to. That's looking less likely by the minute.

I'm so damn tired of being alone. Its better than being in a bad relationship, there's no question of that, but I wish, wish, WISH that I didn't feel so alone. That I felt like people liked me, for me. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I'm not a social butterfly, by any means.

I'm just lonely. And it becomes exacerbated by all the holiday stuff that emphasises being with someone... and knowing that this is another year where I'm just alone. And it won't be so bad Christmas morning. I'll call my parents in Canada, probably make some hot chocolate, curl up and listen to carols, maybe go to church...

Buying my hypothetical kids hypothetical toys...

If I ever have kids, I'm going to be one of those mothers. No plastic (or limited plastic...European plastic only). A friend linked, on Facebook, to a listing of 15 horrible toys for Christmas. Including a pole-dancing doll, a cleaning trolley, and a game that electrocutes you! (although I do know a couple people I wouldn't mind giving the last to... I'm a nice person, I'm not a saint!)

What I'd love to see in toys:

More free play. Toys now are sold in kits to build certain things and certain things only. Lego is now sold in such specific kits, its not just a big box of lego anymore. And can we talk about Barbie, please? Can Barbie get a real job? One that isn't a vet assistant or selling fast food? What happened to the glamorous Barbie? Or the one who was going to be an astronaut? Or in the Navy? And there's only one Ken now....its Wedding Sparkle Groom. Ok, yes, Ken always looked slightly gay, but at least he was around and had a couple different incarnations (and he slept around a lot too, at least with my Barbies). But the thing was, we didn't have these ultra-structured playset things... Now it seems that everything has one purpose, goes together one way, and play is losing that sense of exploration....

So, I'm sick...

Right before Tech week starts. Le Sigh.

This is the problem with being single...sometimes you just don't realise you need one more day of being sick... or have someone to bring you tea, soup, meds.... Someone needs to start a rent-a-mom place where you can hire someone to come over and give you TLC....

I feel bad too because I'd wanted to help out on the set, and didn't manage that...I got sick about two weeks ago, and then basically relapsed because I didn't give myself that one extra day of quiet....

*sigh*

Oh well, back to beddy bye.... if anyone wants to, they can be an angel and bring me soup... I will love you forever.

It really is comparison....

So, I'm in a play. With a few other women. And I'd mentally labelled a couple of the others as 'skinny'... I'd picked up one dress that might have worked as a costume for one...remember, I was thinking 'skinny'... Imagine my surprise to realise they are the same size I am. (And not much taller).

It took me aback a little, because I really don't think of myself as a non-fat person. I still see myself as being large... and its just this strange dichotomy where I am aware of every ounce of fat on my body, and I see myself as being closer to the 'big girls' rather than the skinny ones.

But maybe I can change this. How? I'm not sure. Its an ongoing struggle. Yes, Mom, I know I'm heavier than I need to be, but I also need to accept and love myself as I am, right now.

Emergence of an ex....

Well, you would think that moving a few states North would get an ex-boyfriend out of your life for good, right? Sheesh. My life is so strange. I was on a messageboard last night, clicked on an article, and there, in full color, was a pic of the ex. I started getting curious, so I checked some of the social media sites I frequent. heee heee. He has serious issues. On one, he's apparently a year older than I am...which is funny, because he was actually 7 years older (although, in retrospect, I don't remember seeing any actual verification of his age)
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2009/10/22/GA2009102203759.html

That SHOULD be a link to the gallery. I must say, I'm glad I'm no longer dating him. If his hypochondria has elevated to the point where he is 'handicapped' enough that he HAS to ride a Segway....I feel sorry for whoever he is dating. He was always a hypochondriac, but that made my jaw drop...he had no issues that would affect his WALKING.

Its just confirmation that I'm better off where I am now, following my passions. But, wow.

And its just odd to have all this pop up now...

oh well, off to Google myself and figure out what he can see about me. And Dave, if you are reading this, I really do wish you all the best.

These are some of my favourite things....

Apart from raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, cleaning women.... (I love my cleaning women!)

Soaps from this guy...

www.naturesedgefarm.com

They are the MOST amazing soap ever. They smell good, don't dry my skin....just wonderful. He has all kinds of other nice things too....

Jewelry from 10,000 Villages. (actually, almost anything from 10,000 Villages)

But i really love this:

http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/abalone-teardrop-earrings

and the necklace that goes with it. I also love the things they are doing with pearls now too....

I love this bird...
http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/ceramic-bird-(large)

And this vase:
http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/stoppered-ceramic-vase

(and the mate for the vase)

I love hot spiced cider, particularly the cider from Woodland farms, with mulling spices from Penzeys....

I love coffee in the morning, in my little French Press from Ikea.

So many lovely things to love!

Three Beautiful Things for Today

A warm robe
Coffee
Facebook

The power of touch...

Touch is a powerful sense, a powerful force. We all need it, we all crave it, and sometimes it can do amazing things. God touched Adam and gave him life...

And I miss it. We don't have enough touch in this society. I don't want to sound pathetic, but sometimes the only time I feel another person's skin is in church, holding hands. I miss touching and being touched. I do. Its been almost seven years. Seven years of famine, and I ache to be touched.


If you are reading this, and have someone in the room, or the house, go over to them and hug them. Touch them, and count your blessings. Because some of us don't have that.

Anger, middle ground, what?

I've tried to start this a couple of times, its just tough... How to phrase? There is so, so much anger in the world today, and its just escalating. Why not try to find a middle ground?

I went on Facebook this morning, to be greeted by a post someone made announcing that it is, apparently pro-life cupcake day. Which is to celebrate the birthday of aborted fetuses. Oooookaaaaay. Basically it is for all the unborn babies who never had a birthday. And that message oogs me out just a tad. But it also bothers me that both pro-choicers and pro-lifers don't see the validity of each other's arguments. They each get sucked into a little circle that starts going around in anger and circular reasoning....

The pro-life group at my church does do some very good things, they work with women who decided to have their babies, to set them up with the necessities of life... but they do also do some very strong pro-life marches, praying at 'abortion mills', and that makes me uncomfortable. Because I do believe in having choice. But having a baby and giving it up for adoption is also hard.

Pro-choice believes that no-one regrets having an abortion, that it is just a quick medical procedure and isn't traumatic. When it really can affect someone's life. When it really does end the potential for another human being. But sometimes you do have to make that choice. And there isn't always counseling.

I would just like to see a group come out that is in the middle. That won't vilify women for having abortions, but, at the same time, won't make abortion the 'of course' option.

I was reading some of my favorite blogs, and found an announcement on one that employers are going to be able to penalise their employees now for being 'unhealthy', for being overweight, or smoking, or not having regular preventative checkups. So we've just made it ok to discriminate against fat people. This again is one of those polarizing issues, where there are the rabid 'skinny at all costs' camps, and the 'I am fat, love me' camps.

Where is the middle ground? *sigh* It all seems to be about extremes, more and more. Lets try to meet in the middle. Hug a fat person, talk to someone from the other side. We are all human, we all have feelings... can we stop ridiculing beliefs and start dialoging?

The men I am attracted to....

Lanky, taller...usually dark-haired. Blue eyes get me, but I haven't dated a lot of blue-eyed men....

I was thinking about the physical type I am attracted to:

I'm attracted to Neil Gaiman, to Anthony Bourdain... its the curls, the slight scruffiness, the intelligence, the slight flavour of bad boy making good.....


And I like a taller man.

Yum.

Blue...

So I'm feeling lonely and blue today. Part is frustration, I can't seem to get new molds made to save my life, and my hearingaids squeak. Part is upcoming high-school reunion. None of what they are offering sounds at all interesting, and I can't do the meals because of my wheat allergy...
*shrug*

I'm feeling lonely too, which doesn't help matters. I'm just feeling tired, and blue, and lonely and hormonal. I need a hug. I feel like an outsider in life, always, even when I try to jump in and do stuff. I feel like I'm never good enough, and I'm never going to be good enough.

*sigh*

I'm tired of this crap. I'm tired of feeling unattractive, of feeling alone, of feeling like I am being patted on the head and told I am a good girl. I'm tired of feeling like I can't make a difference. I'm just tired.

I'm tired of being condescended to. I've had hearingaid molds made my entire life, and suddenly, now, its apparently impossible.
I'm scared of even trying to go anywhere to get new molds made, beccause I'm afraid they'll give me the same crappy line...
or, if its a hospital, that they'll push the surgery that is the new fix for this...

I always felt I'd meet someone who could be a companion, a support, a helpful person. And I haven't, and I don't see where I will... I give up. I just give up. Getting involved is not the answer. I don't know what is, but its not that.

Yes, I have a naked man on my fridge....

heh, that sounds like the title of a book of short stories... "I have a naked man on my fridge, and other stories"... Anyway, I really do have a naked man on my fridge, the David magnet. I also have the Venus, but Venus has her clothes, unlike David's, which went 'poof' in the move (not that I mind, mind you...this is the only naked man I have in my life, might as well be a pretty one!--not well endowed, but that is a modern thing...the Greeks actually thought large 'equipment' was coarse, and smaller was better... and yes, I have eclectic knowledge--my brain is a strange place to live).

Anyway, I'm so used to my naked man that when I had a party this last weekend, I forgot to take him off!! (It was a church party too, with lots of 'good Catholics' and a few children!) Ooops. Venus was fully dressed, but not David. I only woke up to this when I walked into the kitchen and found that someone had undressed Venus, and put a dress on David.... heh.

Its funny, the things you get so used to when you live alone.........

(And no, I wouldn't mind having a naked man in my bed sometime in the next couple of years...God, if you are listening!)

But it started me wondering, again, about the subtle sexism in this day and age...its ok for women to be undressed but men not? Still? Its indecent having pics of naked men around, but its more acceptable to have naked women than men... in film, in art, in pornography, even. Even on the Internet, you are more likely (unless you go to a gay site) to find more pictures of naked women. I used to subscribe to Playgirl, supposedly marketed to women. Even there, you had pictures of naked women. (And that magazine actually catered to a lot of gay men...I also started receiving a catalog marketed to gay men of sex toys...some were very very imaginative). Mapplethorpe got in trouble for his erotic photos of men, not necessarily of women.. in film you see naked breasts all the time, but naked penises? No, that would be indecent. *sigh*

I'm reading a book now, by Gina Barraca, that is discussing the younger woman/older man syndrome, but another syndrome that also exists, but is less accepted somehow, is the older woman/younger man. The older woman becomes a 'cougar' or 'Mrs Robinson'. Both of these are labels I hate! And what is wrong with an older woman and younger man? Younger men are cute, they have stamina, and they won't be tottering around while you want to dance the night away! But there are so many fewer older-women/younger-men couples out there....

I just think we still have a ways to go in this society... we need to have equality. So that single women can have pictures of naked men in their house without having to worry about taking them down!

Confidence is a funny thing....

Sometimes, the less you know about something, the more confident you can be in just jumping in. Its only now, after I've had some training, that, in some ways, I'm less self-assured. What brought this on? Well, hearingaids and loose molds. Because my molds are loose, I'm squeaky. Squeak, squeak, squeak.... but sometimes life marches up to you and says "You CAN do this".

I had a voice lesson yesterday. I haven't sung all summer. I have squeaky ears. One of my batteries died in the middle of the lesson. Guess what? I sung well. I was mostly on pitch, and I proved to myself that I could do it, even with one ear with a loose mold.

I need to remind myself that I have a decent voice now, that I can sing on pitch, I know how it feels to sing the right note (and a lot of singing is actually mental). I need to keep that confidence and not denigrate myself, and not be scared of screwing up. Because most of the time, I am singing well.

I need to remember that.

This summer, I joined a group of "mezzo-soprano" singers, the rest of whom are professional singers. One of the founders described the group as "talented people", and, sadly, my brain added "and me". I know I still have work to do on my voice, but I wish I could stop the negative self-talk, because I am worlds away from where I was. But it feels, at times, that the more I know about my voice, the more negative I can get.

The Presidency

*sigh*

I did not vote for George Bush (either one), or approve of their foreign policies. But they were the Presidents of the United States of America. They were elected, and served their terms. I respected the office while not necessarily respecting the choices. WHY can we not have that with our current President? Why can't he make a speech to children about staying in school? He is the POTUS. The Commander-in-chief.

Presidents have made speeches to the Nation in the past.

Both sides are becoming so derogatory of the other... I am just appalled. I did a search for Presidential addresses, and found such wildly divergent sides... when did we, as a country, become so negative about our elected leadership? Why is he accused of being like royalty? I can't actually read the things being posted by both sides because they are both so negative!

Can we not have a dialogue? Conversation? Listen to the speech with your child and explain if you disagree with anything our President has said.

I really just don't understand. And its not a comment on one side or the other. Both sides have grandstanded in the past. I didn't like that they brought out "W." right before Bush left office, I thought that was disrespectful.

Can we please, please find some common ground?

Staying in school is a good thing. Learning is a good thing. Respect is a good thing. Don't take your kids out of school because the leader of our country is going to address them. (But also remember, you have the freedom to do this. There are some countries where you would be arrested for such an action). If we have the freedom to do something does not mean that we should.

Can we not treat people the way we wish to be treated? Can we not treat our president with the respect that he deserves? He is the leader of our country, and if we don't treat him with respect, how can we expect other countries to do the same?

The problem with obesity in the US.

Ok. We have a huge problem in the US. HUGE. We have obesity. And we have it for a number of reasons. We sit on our asses with Facebook, Twitter, blogging away... playing computer games... but we also have it because we are a culture of cheap-asses too.

I was just at Target, home of cheap stuff. Now granted, some of Target's stuff is good quality... I have never seen so much bulk crap in my life. I went into the candy aisle because I wanted a small box of Reese's pieces. No such luck. Everything was bulk candy. Big bags of candy, big things of soda (and they no longer have the sugar-sweetened soda I like). Everything with high-fructose corn syrup. I was also looking for a drying rack (God Forbid! Drying clothes on a drying rack?) Flimsy, cheap. And everything was plastic. Went to the garden section, because I was looking for a couple of things, including trowels. Chemicals and more plastic.

Whatever happened to real stuff? to things that are built to last? To wooden drying racks, to trowels that don't break the minute they hit a stone? Its all image gardening. Its nothing that people actually use! People sit on their riding mowers to mow the lawn. They spray chemicals all over, eat chemicals, and its my opinion that the chemicals contribute to the ill-health of the nation.

Bleah. And whatever happened to shorts? I just want a nice pair of summer shorts.

Raw Milk, for and against...

Like so many things in my life, I find myself in the center on this one. (I just read Marler's blog on the subject). I've found that I am healthier on raw milk, raw milk cheeses, natural cheeses...

That being said, I only buy the raw milk at the farmers market, from the folks there, who have brought it straight from the farm. I know that Sat is the best day to get it, because they milk on Friday. I do NOT buy it from the grocery. I've tried, but it just does not stay cold enough, and sours more quickly.

I do think we need to have the option of having raw milk if we desire, but it has to be safe. We have to keep it safe. We know enough about milk, cleanliness, etc, to have it be safe. To have the dairies clean and tested.

I would never drink raw milk from a farm where they didn't have to adhere to standards. I grew up in Egypt, animals are not pristine, pure, naturally clean.... I would never drink raw milk in Egypt, that's when you cook the heck out of it! I would never go to a random farm, or one that was selling the raw milk secretly, and get raw milk.

I would certainly not buy Mexican raw milk cheeses! Eeek. (or Egyptian raw milk cheeses, for that matter!).

No I don't think raw milk is the shining star of health and beauty, but it should not be outlawed either. It should be made safe, legal. I think the current craze for raw milk is dangerous. I really do. Too many people don't treat it with respect, don't realise that if you leave it in the hot car, or you get it from a country that does not have good safety rules, good sanitation, then, guess what? Not such a healthy option. But if you do get it from a clean dairy, take it home, put it in the fridge right away, and drink it fast, its good.

(And a side note, it is interesting that when it sours, it behaves completely differently from the pasteurized/homogenized milk)

The strength of photography...

So, ten days ago, my cousin got married. And at the wedding they had photographers. Who took HIDEOUS pics of me. (I was, fortunately, in the background for most of them). But I was about ready to run off and get liposuction or try to go live with Gillian MacKeith for two months. I really felt that I was frumpy and fat and dust-bin ready. I've never been a huge fan of photos of myself, but fortunately, my wonderful sister got some really good pics of me, which did boost my mood, and my self-image.

Now this is just pics of myself, but it shows what an impact good photography (and bad) can have. And photography carries an impact for much more than just one person... if all people see are pictures of overly skinny women, or fat men with skinny women, then that carries overtones too. Because the skinny becomes the new norm, that becomes the hallmark of looking good, and it eventually becomes an impossible ideal. Whereas I honestly believe that if more media pics were just normal women, then we would not have such an obesity problem in this country. If more women could measure themselves against realistic images...


Photography carries a lot of impact in other ways as well... its a societal, historical record, as well as being a personal one... but, at the moment, it can be a powerful self-esteem tool...

Its a small world, in many ways....

I grew up in different countries. In Kuwait, and Egypt. I went to school with kids from different countries, from Thailand, Pakistan, Germany, and yes, even the occasional American.

We'd run in to people in airports when I was growing up...but the Internet has really made the world a smaller place. Facebook has made the world a smaller place. I'd, even a couple years ago, look at old pictures and say "hmmm, I wonder whatever happened to that person". And now, sometimes, I know.

I got a Facebook friend request yesterday that made my jaw drop. A boy I went to school with, in Egypt, who is in Thailand. THAILAND. And we're in touch again! How cool is that?

Its surreal in some ways, to be reconnecting with all these elements of one's past that you always thought would be a closed door... people from college, from school, from your childhood, commenting on your status along with people from your current life...

Modern kids are growing up in a much more 'connected' life. They'll never know pictures that don't come out, they'll have more ability to stay in touch with folks as they grow up...

Its just so odd, when 20 years ago, computers were a special thing....

My Fifteen Books (Thanks Patrice)

Instead of leaving a comment on my friend Patrice's blog,(http://lettersfromlordship.wordpress.com/)I thought I'd add my own list here.

Fifteen books/literature that have shaped and inspired me:

1)Wuthering Heights
2)Clan of the Cave Bear
3)Anne of Green Gables (the series)
4)Time Enough For Love
5)Crocodile on the Sandbank
6)1984
7)The Iliad/Odyssey
8)Ancient Egyptian Myths (a now-ratty paperback I was given in my childhood)
9)D'Aulaires Book of Greek Myths
10)A God Against the Gods
11)Narnia books
12)Dr Doolittle
13)The Once and Future King
14)The Mists of Avalon
15)The Great Gilly Hopkins


Hmmm, looking at these, I notice a definite trend...a single heroic person, striving valiantly alone... I can't believe I left off the Lord of The Rings Trilogy... there's an odd mixture of fatalism and optimism in these books, though. And my taste in books is still similar... I own a lot of mythologically-oriented books, or books that play with Classics, a lot of what I like to call 'Heroic Mortal' books. I don't own a lot of chick-lit, but lots of historical fiction, lots of sci-fi in the fantasy genre...... Tolkienesque books... very dramatic, passionate books appeal to me....

Disappointment, aka creme de la creme and 'the rest'

So I'm terribly disappointed. I worked really hard on my audition piece, really hard. I thought I'd auditioned the best I ever had, and still got shoved into the chorus. I really wanted a PART. I know I can't dance, but I thought I did well with the rest of it.

I do tend to feel like I'm almost 40 and haven't accomplished anything. *sigh*. I had a dance teacher once who divided the class into the 'creme de la creme' and the rest. I got put in the 'rest'. I feel like I always get put with the 'rest', no matter how hard I work.

I may call them back and turn it down. I wanted a part. And it sounds like they've given all the small parts away, and there's only so much ensemble one woman can do without something meatier...

And part of me wonders if I'd taken the time to work on Vallis with my voice teacher if maybe I would have gotten to do something fun there..... instead of getting put with the 'rest'. But I doubt it.

It just hurts so much. I hate being classified as 'not good enough'.

Race, sex, and self.

This is not an easy topic. There are many, many, many blog posts on it, many quotes...what inspired this particular post is my friend Dan's Facebook status, in part.

"I have a dream that one day my children's children will be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."- Martin Luther King, Jr. "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male [judge] who hasn't lived that life." Sonya Sotomayor, University of California Law School lecture

Dan, I see where you are going with this, and in part, I agree, but we are also colored (pun only half intended) by our experiences and the culture in which we grew up. A WASP is going to see things differently than someone who grew up in the slums of Mumbai, or someone who grew up in Harlem. We've all had different experiences, and that does flavor our actions and reactions and decisions... but reverse racism isn't the answer either. Its not just about being Egyptian, or Latina, or Argentinean, or straight, or gay, or even female or male. Sometimes we do put too much stock on labels, rather than just being people.

She does have a point, in that her experiences have given her a different outlook, and different outlooks are always valuable. But at the end of the day, aren't we all human? Shouldn't we celebrate both the cultures we grew up with as well as our common humanity? Because even the white male and the Latina woman, the homosexual male and the dyed-in-the-wool Catholic, the poorest person from the garbage village in Cairo and Donald Trump, we're all human. We all love, hate, feel. We all had parents, we were all children, we all have dreams.

And sometimes I think we get too involved creating niches. But then I also see my CCD students who have never seen poverty, even second-hand, or the parents who censor even the G movies... and I worry that they will grow up with such a narrow world-view that they are unaware that there are people who are different than themselves. Because even with all the wonderful changes towards multiculturalism, there are still strange biases and stereotypes. I sometimes find myself falling into the trap... I think we all do. I saw a wonderful production a couple of years ago, with Connecticut Opera, of Don Quixote (sp?). It was set in a 'Western' setting, and everyone was multicultural, except for the fact that they plunked in an anachronism. An Asian servant. He was made up to look Asian, with the coolie hat, everything. And it just felt wrong to me.

And I see not creating stereotypes, and not perpetuating stereotypes, but we have to not fall into the opposite trap as well, by picking someone on the basis of race or gender or sexuality alone. We have to start looking at people as a whole, not ignoring their race, but including it. Because your race does still affect you, in this day and age. Your nationality affects you... it is all a part of who you are.

Me? I'm a straight, Egyptian American, Dual national, who speaks French, who is single, who also has a hearing impairment. I'm fat, short, grew up abroad, went to boarding school, I like to read, and I have a gluten allergy. :D I've had some amazing experiences in my life, but these make me different from someone who grew up in California, then came to the same boarding school, then went on to something else.... I was different from the other Egyptian kids I went to school with because I also had American characteristics, but when I came here, I stood out because of my Arab characteristics. And in college, I was asked to be a member of UMOJA, because Egypt is in Africa, therefore I was African. I'm an African who gets sunburned! That, to me, emphasised the absurdity of some of the labels we have, and the oddities that can result from trying to combat labeling. That by identifying ourselves as something, we end up tying into the culture that we are trying to combat and level.

A myriad of thoughts....

1) A question: Would folks be interested in reading a column about what is new and good at the Library? I'm trying to figure out how to get some income, but do something interesting. I was thinking of going to local libraries, checking out the books in the New Section and writing a column on the ones i like (and didn't like too, I suppose). There are a lot of book reviews, but I'm not sure there is anything that actually showcases hidden gems in the Library.
2)Product placement is everywhere these days. I just tried out a new game online, and it was basically an advertisement for traditional beauty products. *sigh* Even the teenage books talk about using stuff you find at the drugstore, traditional pads, tampons, etc. There doesn't seem to be any usage of washable pads, the sponge, the cup, or even the organic versions. And a note to the makers of this game, douche is not a beauty product. GRRRR.
3) Aging sucks. My father seems to have mostly reverted to his inner five-year-old. If I ever have kids, they will have a wonderful time imitating their grandfather. Me, not so much. Its ironic that the man who was so focussed on appearance is now so oblivious to it. I wish there was a good option for what they will do next... I am not comfortable with them going back to Egypt, particularly in the light of the stuff I learned this weekend. My hypothetical kids may not end up with a grandfather, because he is going to end up getting himself bopped on the head one night.

Clothing thoughts...

This isn't a rant, per se, about clothes shopping. This is a musing on clothes and attitudes towards clothes. There is a difference between Europe and the US in terms of clothes. It really struck me when I got off the boat last year, and continues to amaze me... and a conversation after Mass yesterday reminded me of my thoughts.

It was a conversation about how some people dress. One of our esteemed directors is usually unshaven, in jeans, while the others are a little more spiffy. One, in particular, is spiffy, all the time. (as an aside, I love that word, spiffy, spiffy, spiffy, spiffy)

And then I was reading through blogs, and was directed to a fashion photography blog, which tied in to the thoughts from after Mass, as well as the fact that I've just gotten some cute clothes both online and at Forever 21.

And it really does make a difference. Wearing nicer clothes, even when lounging around the house, does affect your self-esteem and self-image. I bought myself a cute little lounge set for around the house, and I love it.

But I noticed in Paris, and even in Spain, most people looked nice, the regular folks (when we saw them) always looked put together, jeans always belted, when they wore them, without gigantic holes. Just smart. But there were very few jeans, and no exercise clothes (and yes, I have been guilty of wearing yoga pants outside the house).

Now I just need to learn to hem my clothes.

Writing thoughts....

So I was reading my friend MaryAnne's blog this morning, where she had written about an author's fictional makeover of the American continent without the North Americans. She has also written on race writing, and the fact that because this is a society with still some homophobia/race issues/etc still inherent, its difficult to get away from while writing. You can go to the opposite extreme too. I own a collection of sci-fi/fantasy short stories that is supposed to have fat heroines. The problem is that it goes to the opposite extreme, that the writers were so conscious of writing fat heroines, that they went overboard and you got slapped in the face with the fat, and not with all the other great qualities that these heroines should have. I have read at least one book where I only realised the heroine was 'fat' halfway through the book. That is good writing.

Good writing is when you know that the heroine (or hero) is fat, S.Asian, blind, Egyptian, deaf, skinny, talented, creative, lost, etc, but that it is part of their character. Good writing is not about having one quality of a character singled out and shoved in your face. Good characters are complex, layered individuals. Just like people. People are not always completely evil or complete saints...

Gluten-free international goodies! Paneer, Rasgulla, Idli mix, a couple of flatbreads...and there is a LOT more at the store. I love shopping in ethnic markets, I also ended up with a perfectly ripe mango, coconut water for a 1/3 of the price that Whole Paycheck carries it for... All kinds of different gluten-free flours, some are even labeled with their grinds.... And most of them have ingredients in English, and you can always ask.

I even got a pan specifically for making idlis! i am so thrilled about finding this place. The roasted favas are amazing, that little bit of crunch and salt....mmmmmm I got lovely dates on my previous visit.... lots of fabulous dried fruit....

If you want to go, its :

Cosmos International Market
770 Farmington Ave
West Hartford, CT

(opposite the AAA)

Trying to get things done...

This is frustrating. I feel like I'm going two steps forward and three steps back. The person who cleaned yesterday did a good job on the surface, but that was all it was. She threw out recycling, and TAX information. She is friends with the woman who is doing my gardening, who also seems to be trying to push me. I hired her to do a few specific things. Help me take out a few shrubs. All of a sudden it blossomed into all kinds of other crap, and she's designing the front for me. I never wanted a front garden, I don't LOOK at the front garden. I want to look at a pretty back garden. I wanted to mix veggies and flowers, but noooo.

Excuse me? Now it doesn't look like I'm even getting my veggie patch I wanted. GAAAAAH.

And now I'm going to have to say no more cleaning. I do want a clean house, but damnit, on my terms. And if you are cleaning a kitchen, you look at what is where. You clean inside cabinets. And you don't put food in wet containers. And you don't spray bug spray around.

I had asked her to do the kitchen and three (small) bathrooms). None were horrendously filthy (the kitchen did need some TLC). In FOUR hours, she did the kitchen and teeny guest bath. And apparently decided to walk around the house and throw out 'trash', including tax forms, probably some memorabilia from Spain and Paris, and other things.

So no, she should not do any other rooms.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of neighbors. I'm tired of cars, or suburbia, of lawns and kids skateboarding in the street. I'm tired of being freaking WATCHED. I'm tired of small minds, of being slapped down and put down and condescended to. I'm just so fucking frustrated and tired I could SCREAM. I just don't know where to go. I just want to live somewhere where I have privacy. Where I can sit outside with a book without feeling like the neighborhood is watching me. Where I could have nature around me instead of people, people, people...because there's nothing like being single in suburbia to make you feel alone.

I'm tired of small minds. I'm not getting comfort from Church anymore either... my singing, acting, or ceramics all seem to be going nowhere fast. I'm tired of trying, trying and being rejected.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of constantly being treated as a child, of getting the metaphorical pat on the head and told'you are a good girl, now run along'. I'm SHORT, not young. I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

I'm just tired. And god, I need a hug, I need a friend, instead of a faceless computer screen.

I HATE conflict.

That being said, I will stand up for my rights. I just wish things could be resolved peaceably. I feel ill.

So I'm feeling lonely and blue....

I feel like I need someone. I wish I could find someone to hold me, I miss being touched. I'm not even talking about S-E-X, although that would be nice too, but being held, being touched, being around people. In some ways I feel more lonely living in suburbia because I see people constantly. I just want to lie on the couch in someone's arms. I want to be held, I crave touch. I'm a tactile person, and not having touch is killing me. I know I sound needy, but damnit, i just feel so alone. In the midst of people, I feel alone....

Thoughts and frustrations...

As much, in many ways, as I love the Catholic Church, the smells and bells, and the fact that other services don't say 'Church' to me, I am considering leaving. I have many gay friends, one of whom is getting married to his partner. And I can't stand the Church's attitude towards homosexuality. It is a very different thing today than it was in the time of the Romans. Back then, at the time of the Church's founding, it was the province of the 'degenerate' Greeks and Roman Emperors, Tiberius, Nero, Caligula... (and apparently the spell-check doesn't like the Roman Emperors' names) It wasn't a loving equal relationship, it was pedophilia. Which is ironic, considering the Church's recent history.

I also cannot deal with pro-life focus anymore. I'm pro-choice and pro-life...I feel that women do and should have a choice, I think they should know about the emotional consequences of that choice, but those natural feelings of grief should not be channeled into "Abortion is Wrong"/end of discussion. Most women who consider abortion are women who are caught between a rock and a hard place anyway. Of course all life is sacred and should be treated tenderly, but the quality of life is sacred too. Bringing a child into a family where they will be abused, or live in extreme poverty....

It does sadden me immeasurably to write this, as I do believe in a lot of the Church's teachings, but I don't feel I can support an institution that does not embrace two people loving one another. An institution that claims to believe that love is at its heart. Here's a thought...Jesus could have been gay. He had a male apostle whom He loved who He gave his Mother to before he was crucified, as his mother. In my book, that sounds an awful lot like a spouse. We don't know if He was, or if He was married to Mary Magdalene, or if He was single. But we know He was about love and acceptance. And the church seems to be straying away from that.

Yes, I am conflicted. I do love the church, don't get me wrong. But I think the Church is wrong on the issue of marriage. Marriage should be between two people who love each other enough to commit, heart and soul, to the other person.

Food Matters: a review.

So I just started reading 'Food Matters', by Mark Bittman, columnist for the New York Times. Its very commonsense, and has certainly outlined some of my issues with the current state of food in the US. He does make the point that 'agribusiness' is necessary now, but that having the government so tied into food isn't such a good idea. While I've known that studies on foods are generally made by the industries which they represent, I had no idea that a large number of people on the boards of government agencies have such links to Big Food Industry. And in these economic times, to have a program that costs taxpayers 19 BILLION and only benefits 3100 people??? There is something WRONG about that.

His book addresses what frustrates me about living in the US... so much is tied to Big Food that it is increasingly difficult to get good local food. What outlets there are are soon snapped up... or bought out. Even with the organic industry...if I had known that Whole Foods moving in would have wiped out our Wild Oats, I would never have supported that. Wild Oats did buy locally, in season, and not everything was trekked in from California in little plastic boxes.

I grew up in a country where we ate whole milk yogurt, whole wheat bread, fresh eggs, fresh meat, fresh veggies and fruits in season... we did have canned milk, but the majority of our food was fresh and whole. And I was skinny. We ate junk food occasionally, but even the soda pop was sweetened with Real Sugar.

When I spent two weeks in Paris last summer, and even on the boat over, the portions were reasonable. i took myself out to lunch yesterday, ordered a salad...it was ENORMOUS. Enough food for three people. We've gone overboard.

Bittman discusses this. He has a chart showing that the whole-milk yogurt, plain, is actually less calorific than the non-fat, fruit-laden kind. I've noticed that, in yogurt, most of them have gelatins, gums, thickeners.......

I do like this book, although, as with other books of its kind, it makes me wish there was a constructive way to get Big Food out of the government. To detach these giant sucking leeches that are destroying things.

Living la vida organica....

I just ordered a few things from BlueCanoe and Gaiam. I'm trying to head down the environmental path and buy clothes that are sustainable, eco-friendly, etc. The problem is, even at these sites, they have some things that are not. There is a bra on sale that, unfortunately, is lined with a foam. (which brings up another rant, not all of us with big tits have huge nipplage, why do we need a camouflaging lining of foam that just makes the girls look bigger? And on that note, the reason I hate bras? Underwire. Which goes right into my armpits)

Anyway, organic clothes are also pricy. They are nice, gorgeous colors, lovely feel....but really, ka-ching in the wallet. At least a lot of them are made in the States, so its not just supporting China. But still, its a little bit dismal. You do have to read labels carefully to make sure a product has not been 'greenwashed'. And yes, I do wish there were more local places I could buy organic clothes....

Living cruelty-free.

Even in today's society, so much of our lives is based on cruelty. Not only cruelty to animals, but cruelty to people. Yes, sometimes it does seem overwhelming, when you think about it. Fruit is picked by people in slave conditions, chickens are crammed into tiny cages and are forced to lay until they drop dead, vinyl siding kills people every day of the week. All in the name of 'cheap'. I try to buy ethically, when I can. Organic, local, Fair Trade. But where does the line get blurred? With traditional crafts, kids apprentice young, is that child labor? Or learning a trade? And there are so many things that come with a label, but how do you know? You want to buy products grown in the States, not shipped very far, but then you end up with horrible conditions for workers in Florida. Do you buy the organic oranges from Florida? Or do you buy the 'ethical grapes' from Chile?

Buying locally does help, of course it does. But I wish, so much, there were better ways of finding things out, of ensuring that my food did not cause suffering. Of course it would be ideal if everything we bought was produced on small family farms, with the appropriate complement of fowl and animals working the soil... but unfortunately that is not a reality. I just wish there was more I could do... I feel so helpless when shopping, even at Whole Foods, because so much of the food out there is not cruelty-free


Chocolate, given out at Easter and Halloween, that is tainted with blood. Toxic toys produced in sweatshops.... but every drop in the bucket helps. Buying Fair Trade chocolate, organic clothing, wooden (or European) toys.... it all helps.

The solo life...

and I'm not talking making the Kessel run. I'm a little tired of being single. Of having cooties. Of being alone. I'm good with people, but haven't been able to make a lot of friends. I just feel that my life has been so 'OTHER' sometimes it gets in the way. And yes, I know I'm whining a bit. Its just such a superficial society you don't get to know people anymore, and its just 'run to this', 'go to that'...

And yes, part of this dissatisfaction is just that I feel lonely. I'm tired, and yes, I could use some physical affection. Not to be crude or anything. But I want to meet someone I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me. I don't think I'm ugly, smell bad, or have cooties. No, I don't like to wear a bra (instrument of the devil).

But I just wonder, is it just going to get worse? Should I just face facts? Maybe I am deluding myself that I'm an attractive person. The thing is, I'm not looking *just* for physical affection. If I was I'd have run out and gotten a f***buddy. I want to be valued for who I am, for my brain, my personality, my likes and dislikes. I want a partner, someone who respects me.

I've never been good at playing games, and GOD I do NOT want any blind dates. Those are horrible. But damnit, I wish somehow I could meet someone.

I'm tired of having to be on my guard all the damn time. I can't let my hair down anywhere. I can't even get my crap back from people who call themselves my friend. I'm tired of all the talking behind my back, all the undercurrents, and politics. I'm not good at damn politics. Even in the church. Hypocritical people. I'm tired of small minds, small people, petty people. GAAAAH.

And i'm tired of never being 'good enough'.

Childhood is not for children anymore....

More and more, I wish that I had kept more of my childhood toys. I'm glad I have some of the Lego, because now its marketed only in the specific kits... I'm glad I kept the Barbie stuff...It was always a brand, but not Supertramp, Barbie, as it is today. I wish my ex didn't have the Fisher Price toys, the ones these days are not the same. I wonder if they didn't discontinue the old ones because they had too much free play. I do wonder if one can get better, less 'branded' stuff abroad.

What brought this on? I'm reading a fascinating book called 'Consuming kids'. Kids are being marketed to from a really really really young age, under the guise of 'educational' products.

I didn't get much advertising when I was growing up. There wasn't much TV in Kuwait or Egypt, I never liked soda pop much... and our toys came from the States. But we never really were exposed to ads for Barbie, or McDonalds....

I have been amazed, the few times I've ventured into ToysRus the past couple of years, how A) materialistic and B) single-focus the toys seems to be. Barbie always had her bling, but now it seems that she has to shop for everything, and have brands...Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds.... Playdo, Lego, all seem to come in 'kits', not just simple big ' create' modes. Even at the craft store, I'm finding more and more 'pre-designed' crafts. I'll go in with an idea, a simple idea, but cannot find the simple components to do the craft my own way. Everything is over-engineered, preset to certain limits... Even Facebook!

I have more thoughts, but for now, I'll stop there.

Memories of Margaret

My aunt Margy died on the 25th of Feb, and there is a hole in my heart. She was a larger-than-life presence, as her memorial service attested. So many people got up to speak about her, and about her impact on their lives.

I wanted to share some of my memories of Margaret. She was loving. She had a temper, and was stubborn. She was also independent, and protective. She loved coffee, donuts, and color. She liked pink, RED, yellow, blue, all the colors of the rainbow.

Even though she was developmentally disabled, that wasn't going to stop her. She knew where all the Dunkin Donuts were, and wasn't above hijacking a trip so that we could stop and get coffee.

She was legally blind, but had an incredible sense of direction. She was determined. Even on oxygen, with a walker, she had oomph and gusto.

I remember her, larger than life, as a child. She developed patience for kids as she got older, when I was little, not quite so much! I cannot count the number of times she flattened my toes! (Maybe that's why my feet are so wide?)

When Marg was on vacation, she was really on vacation. Nothing that happened in everyday life happened on vacation (except the meds). Exercise? Eating habits? No. She was the Queen. She was ON VACATION. My mother earned the title of 'bossy' by insisting Marg do things, snap beans, etc. How dare she? Marg was ON VACATION. In Florida, she'd sit outside...at the Lake, inside. She'd listen to music, she loved Elvis, the Beatles, the old songs...and she'd sing along...

She loved her families, both blood and at the Village. She was the matriarch of the Village, and really ran the place...the staff were just there to help HER, when SHE wanted them to. She knew when to use a threat....'watch out, I'll start breaking furniture again!'.

You had to be very careful when trying to pull a fast one on Marg...there was a point in time when she was supposed to not drink coffee... I had tried to switch the regular and the decaf up at the Lake. She caught on REAL FAST. (I don't know if this was before or after they had apparently tried this at the Village). I've never run so fast in my life!

She also was not supposed to drink wine, so we'd mix up a concoction of various juices and such and pour it into a wine bottle for trips to the club, so Margy would have her own 'wine'. This didn't always work so well. Marg was sharp to keeping an eye on what people were doing...

She was also enormously savvy socially. When we'd go to the Clubhouse at the Lake, she would sit in state in the corner, and let people come to her.

One weekend, when Sarah and I took her out to dinner, we went to her favorite place. We found out WHY it was her favorite place. We sat down, the drinks person came, asked us if we wanted a drink, Marg rattled off her drink order, and then added 'And I'd like some cheese and crackers, please'. Sarah and I were dumbfounded, especially when the waitress CAME BACK with a plate of cheese and crackers. It wasn't until we were walking out, walked through the bar section, and saw a gigantic hunk of cheese surrounded by crackers, that we put two and two together.

Marg didn't let anything stop her. She did ceramics, gorgeous art, Meals on Wheels... she touched many, many people... and lived for the moment, glorying in every second.

Marg, I will miss you. I know you are up in Heaven right now, chasing the gorgeous men around, with a perpetual refill of coffee...

Three Wonderful things for today.

1)Last night's fabulous audience. They laughed where they were supposed to!
2)Listening to the opera on the radio 'with' my bestest friend.
3)curled up on the couch in the morning with a good book and coffee.

And just FYI, I'm spending less time on the computer these days, because its Lent, and I'm trying to give up the computer and cheese. Doing well on the cheese, less so on the computer.

Theater, relief, home....

Getting laughs at the right places with my lines/actions...

The headache of DOOM being gone. yay!

home, roasting a sweet potato for dinner.

Three Beautiful Things Today.

I've decided I want to try to come up with three beautiful things about every day. This is inspired by a wonderful blog...

http://www.threebeautifulthings.blogspot.com/

I will also be asking my CCD kids to find one beautiful thing about each day during Lent.

I just find that I find myself feeling overwhelmed and cranky too much of the time, and not appreciating the beauty of life. We are in a society that wants more and more, and we stop looking and appreciating.

My beautiful things about today:

1)Fresh-ground coffee with cardamom. The scent perfumes the air and relaxes me, with a hint of the exotic and a flavor of home.
2)Dried apricots. Fruity flavor bursting in my mouth. yum.
3)a cold, crisp day. I appreciate the warmth of my home, nestled into the couch, looking out at the barren, bleak landscape.

The Years After...

I was looking at my old B.I.S.C (British International School, Cairo) yearbook this morning, while sipping my coffee and procrastinating. I started looking at the S3 pages...which were diaries of nuclear war. While modern kids have a lot on their plates, certainly, at least they are not being bombarded with the threat of nuclear war. It did make me a little ill to read 13 year-olds writing about charred corpses and the symptoms of radiation poisoning.

But at the same time, have we lost something? Yes, it was terror tactics, a whole generation (or actually two, mine and my mother's) who knew what would happen if THE BOMB was dropped. But now everyone has the bomb. There are not really Superpowers anymore...even though the former President did still act as if that was the status quo. I'm not sure there is that fear of using nuclear power anymore.

We are so exposed to horror these days, that I wonder if we've become immune... I know I would never watch'The Day After' or 'Threads' ever again... but don't we get more horrifying images in our daily lives now? I wish I knew.

The other thing that struck me was how politically savvy the kids we were were. We knew about detente, about the Cold War, about global politics. Yes, I learned about the American Revolution from the British side (and as a result, still am not sure what I'm supposed to call it)... and I learned my British History with a slight Colonial slant...(The Sun Never Sets on The British Empire)... in fact, the school itself had a slight colonial flavour. But I also got a more balanced view of world politics.

And it scares and saddens me, at the same time that I am glad that kids don't get this, that they don't get this. That they aren't aware. And the world is very different... but some things are still frightening.

On being female....and feminism.

Its odd. I grew up in two Middle Eastern countries, but was raised by a nanny and a very feminist American mother. I went to a girls boarding school, where we were told in tones of great horror about how girls used to automatically be 'sick' on the first day they menstruated. The implication being that now we know better. Of course, I beg to differ. From day 1, cramps. I don't remember EVER having had a period that wasn't debilitating.

Of course I'm thinking bout this today, because I have my period. And of course this week is supposed to be busy, with rehearsals and whatnot. I'm not advocating for fainting couches and a week of swooning and declining blissfully on the couch, but gosh, I WISH it was more acceptable for women to have bad periods.

And even in these days, its still "my little friend", "that time of the month", "Aunt Flo". Commercials want us to 'have a happy period', and even the books kids read about puberty say NOTHING about cramps.

For me, real feminism is about being able to talk about this stuff. To not have to whisper out of the corner of my mouth 'its that TOM', to be able to say that some of us have hellish periods, where we are, frankly, tempted to use the kitchen knife for an at-home-hysterectomy.

Even growing up in Egypt, in some ways it was more acceptable to have periods and not be able to do everything... whereas here you are a woman, but at the same time it doesn't affect you...

This is just demented rambling, really, but somehow there is still an odd perspective on this stuff here... doctors still tell you to take Advil for the pain, or use treatments that are just horrible (I have endometriosis, and there ARE really no good treatments)...

Oh well...back to bed with my little friend, mr heating pad.

The Naming

The Naming of Cats is a curious matter
It isn't just one of your holiday games
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter...

From T.S.Eliot's the Naming of Cats. (any mistakes are mine, I typed from memory-no pun intended)

As another thing I do, I do ceramics. And I posted a pic of my latest finished piece on Facebook. And then I realised, most of my pieces don't have names! I come up with a concept sometimes, or a play on something I'm working on, and that will have a name...but usually they don't. And I suspect its more of a common problem with creative types than most people admit.

In music, a lot of the classic symphonies have numbers, or descriptors, "Cantata in E Major", or some such title. Artists have 'series'...so you just think of one title or descriptor, and then add numbers for the following ones!

Its easier if your painting or piece depicts something specific, but mine rarely do, or else they are mundane...like giant flowers. :D

There have been pieces I've seen that have been titled something specific where I have peered at them, spent ages in front of them, trying to figure out how the title relates to the piece! "Nude woman"? I don't see a nude woman.... hmmmmmmmm

That's what someone needs to give as a class, "How to title your artwork".

What A Waste....

Waste, waste, waste...can you tell I just took out the trash? I WASTE so much food. *sigh* I have got to get a compost bin. I also wish there were better recycling facilities...everything is covered in bits of plastic, which can't be recycled, plastic bags are everywhere, even tins are lined with plastic. *sigh*

I m so tired of plastic, of waste, of not being able to do enough to keep the planet pretty... We can only recycle a few things, some glass, some containers, paper, but not really cardboard, and not the majority of the plastic.

I try to take the plastic to Whole Foods, but that just means I end up living in among piles of plastic bags...and it just seems that everything one buys is plastic, encrusted in plastic....

I really, really want to live somewhere where I can buy in reasonable amounts, for one meal (obviously, I need to move to Paris). I should have taken a picture of the recycling center in the building I lived in in Paris for two weeks. They recycle appliances like coffeemakers and irons! They recycle batteries! Everything is recycled! Why can't we do the same thing here? I'm tired, tired, tired of waste, and not being able to do anything with it...

Good Night and Good Luck

I just saw this, and it is apropos for the times. I do feel as if we go on witch-hunts every so often, because there HAS to be a scapegoat. And I go on AOL, read the news stories, read the comments, and cringe. I'm on a messageboard with some wonderful people, but even they make comments that make me cringe.

And yes, I am equally guilty for not speaking up. Unfortunately, I don't speak up sometimes about a lot of things I beleive in. I believe in communication between religions, that we are all people first and foremost. I believe that we have had a witchhunt for terrorists in this country, and that we have gone too far. I believe that women should be able to have an abortion, but should also realise that it is a hard, hard thing to do, and a hard thing to live with. And that there is a grief process associated with it.

I believe that we have poisoned our food supply and our planet. That plastics are horrible...I wish I could eliminate plastic completely. Its just impossible. I wish we could use less fertilizer, pesticides, etc. Does it really matter how green the darn lawn is?

I believe in reading, in books, in freedom of speech. I believe in equality, in citizenship. I believe in love, in support, in friendship. I believe in doing something that makes you happy. I believe in challenging yourself and trying something new every year of your life.

I believe in being the best person I can be!

Je suis amuse!

I've been doing Facebook in French, and it is tres amusante. I'm actually bilingual, with a smattering of Arabic as well, and I fall back into doing the bilingual thing pretty easily. Its actually tougher for me, sometimes, to only speak straight English, because I keep wanting to say 'Inshallah' or add the French word in that would say perfectly what I want. So I'm actually enjoying having my Facebook being bilingual, and having a mix of French and English with the occasional Arabic thrown in.

I do love some of what French and Facebook do with status updates, and I like relationships in French. Moi, je suis celibataire. Yes, to being single, but also celibate.... (on another day it might annoy me, though).... but the whole thing is described as 'Situation amoureuse' which I LOVE. It sounds just so much better, so much classier, in French. If you are in a relationship, you are 'En couple', if you are in an open relationship, its 'En union libre'...and so on. It just sounds so much better than crude English.

J'adore Francais et j'adore la France. And yes, I am aware my grammar is probably f'ed up...in both Anglais and French, grammar was never my strong point (which is why I failed hieroglyphics in college).

Food issues R us

So I was reading a blog this morning... Petite Anglaise, as a matter of fact. And enjoying it tremendously. And I read a post about culture shock, and differences between our cultures, and I was reading the comments section.

Two things jumped out at me, one of which is one I've talked about in the past, and the other is one I am going to have to do more research on.

Portion sizes and F-A-T. I'm fat. I admit it. I need to lose 30 lbs. Yet I'm still slimmer than a lot of Americans. I am also amazed at how hard it is here to get simple, plain food, in moderate portion sizes. It ws one of the things I loved about France, and on the boat...the portion sizes in general (except for places that were tourist-oriented) were reasonable. The other thing, the food is so much closer to natural. Just simple full-fat yogurt without flavorings or gelatin? Easy to find in France (and wonderful), here in the states? even in Whole Paycheck? Spend an hour looking through the case. Or take butter. Wonderful French butter....going to the grocery and marvelling at the cases and cases of different butters... and lets take meat, for a moment. You could go to the supermarket and find a package with a reasonable portion size of meat. Something for dinner that night... Here in the US, its always enough for four! Or you could go to the butcher shop... but my point is, they had small sizes there, on the shelves. The food didn't have a lot of crud added to it.... And you know, you can tell. The majority of Europeans are slim... yes, there are some who are gaining, but the majority... what the US used to be, before factory farming.

The second which ties in a little with the first, is that apparently there is formaldehyde in US milk!!! Now it may be true, may not be, it has certainly been used as a preservative in the past... (early 1900s, from what I could tell). I don't know. I'm sure there are things in the milk (yes even organic) that we don't know about... and yes, we have fads in food scares. People get paranoid about flouride (sp?) in the water, or what have you. A lot of things in the food we eat really aren't good for us (HFCS anyone?), but that gave me a moment of 'no frigging way!'. But in some ways I do start to wonder. When I start gaining weight the moment I get off of the raw milk I drink all summer. When I go back to eating from the grocery store in the winter.... maybe there is such a thing...

I just worry when we have so many issues with our food supply. There are more allergies then ever before, there are more weight and health issues than ever before, and, instead of simplifying the food supply, they add more fake stuff, more fillers, more preservatives... its all low-fat, non-fat, sugar-free, fortified with essential vitamins and minerals....and all have ingredient lists a mile long with the things that you worry about disguised, so you can't even see them...

Counters....

Does anyone know a good counter? I really, really, really would like one.

Singledom is wonderful

The things I like about being single:

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to worry about someone else's needs. I can have the house decorated the way I want it. I can eat what I want, when I want... I can go out at night, not have to account for my every move (although its amazing how people watch you in this town...sometimes I feel that I have people watching what I buy at the grocery store!!!!)

I can watch junky movies, kiddie movies, chick flicks. Without people making comment about 'eeew'.

No, now that I really have been thinking about it, I don't want people setting me up, I'm not looking at people and sussing up if they are single or not. It doesn't matter. Most of the single guys out there are creepy or gay anyway *shrug* (or both).

(I'm just a little annoyed, at work yesterday one of the patrons started saying she wants to see me coupled up this year, and that got my co-worker going. And IF I was dating someone, I wouldn't be broadcasting the information. IF I date, it is my own private business. And I don't care if everyone else in the world is coupled up...if God wants me to meet someone She will drop him in my lap, so please, if you are reading this, leave it up to the Big Gal in the Sky).

Swinging in the wind....

I keep going back and forth between feeling ok with myself and feeling FAT. Today, I feel FAT. FAT FAT FAT. I know I was once a lot fatter, but the thing is, when its yourself, you don't really 'see' it. Particularly if you have trouble with it.

When I was younger, I was thin, but felt fat. I just wish, so much, that somehow I'd gotten a better image of myself.... Right now, I think I could stand to lose at least 20 lbs. But I just don't have a good sense of myself. And yet somehow I also do. Its odd, its one of those things I struggle with...

And I know no man will find me attractive unless I like myself. But I HATE clothes, I hate clothes shopping (I actually know what kinds of things look good on me, but finding them...whole other matter).

*sigh*

I just wish there were reasonable images out there... I don't need to compare myself to 15 y-o girls, but there are no reasonable images of adult women out there.

I think maybe that's why I like Spanish movies so much (been on a bit of a kick recently). The women in them actually have some curves... they are real women.

I still feel I have a few too many curves, but that's my hangup. I just wish someone would make clothes to fit the curves... nicely.

When I wish upon a star...

I'm not wishing for much for the New Year. The loss of the last 20 lbs, peace between Israel and Palestine, a clean house, new friends...

Brotherhood, sisterhood, understanding... its a brand-new world out there.

I try to be optimistic, even though I am horribly saddened by some of the comments on the news stories. But I have to believe that there will be peace, that if enough people want it and speak up for it, that it will happen.

If you are a musician or an artist, speak up in your own way. Do a film, do a musical event, but get out there and do.

Even if its something for world peace, and not a specific area. Or some cause close to your heart..cancer, AIDS, hunger, the removal of factory farming. Let 2009 be the year where dreams come true, the year of speaking out.