New Hope for a New Year...

What would I like to see happen in 2010? I've got many hopes and dreams...will they happen? Who knows. The last year has been so amazing, in so many ways. I'm constantly discovering more facets of myself... growing, stretching. I'm still singing. I act, I do ceramics, I read....I spend waaay too much time on Ye Olde Internet. What would I like? I'd still like so much, a partner, a lover, a soulmate. Someone who would cherish me and treasure me. I'm still holding out for true love. But I look out my window at the full moon rising through the trees, and think how good my life is. I have good friends, I have a home...I have warmth, food.... and so much potential, still... My life is still blossoming into an amazing flower.

A New Year, 2010, the year of the Sci-Fi...

Its interesting to me, the years that have been marked in literature that, so far, I've lived through. 1984, 2001, and now (hopefully) 2010. Heinlein did the right thing in creating artificial/alternate timelines... Even though none of those books are really 'dated', because the small matter of dates aside, they are timeless... but I always thought we'd be somewhere else by 2010. It still seems, when I type it, to be a magical number.... I do feel that we ought to usher it in with a 'Zarathustra' theme... dah dah dah dahdum!

(I hated the movie version of 2010, though)

I always thought, by 2010, we'd have solved some of our issues. Instead, the oceans are overfished, we have horrible food poisoning from our food supply, we have incredible waste, but starving people around the globe... and its hard to solve. Some folks say to go vegan but does the impact of going vegan include the cost of manufacturing all that fake meat? The fact that the landscape of the Amazon rain forest is being deforested to grow soy? And PVC isn't really a healthy alternative to leather.

I liked most of this article, except for the foie gras portion.... I like foie gras. And I like veal, and tender little baby lambs. The thing is that if it is properly done, properly raised, its not torturing the animals.

I do agree with the no corn syrup thing. I just wish we could get back to a sane mentality about food. In Europe, you have a meal, you have a little bit of everything, and you have dessert. Or you have a small cookie with your coffee, a macaron, maybe. But its not a super-jumbo-huge cartwheel of a cookie.... Its not a plate of pasta that could serve four people...

So maybe, instead of going on a diet, or throwing away the gorgeous chocs you got for Christmas, you could just enjoy a little bit of something. Go for quality, health and pleasure.....

Feeling alone....

Nothing makes you feel more alone than being sick... I'm just so mind-achingly alone. I don't have peers to talk to, I don't have kids (and probably will never have kids at this point). I don't have a career. I live completely alone, my life is alone. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to take care of myself when my head has been in the toilet for five hours.

Yes, of course there are some good things about my life. I've had a fun role in a play, which has been fabulous, I'm involved with the theater, and I have a few supportive friends. I do ceramics, which is wonderful for me. I just need more. I'm tired of sleeping alone, of coming come to an empty house. I'm just so tired of it being just me, all the time. And not being able to move forward. I'm just stuck. Stuck in the same damn place. Bottom of the totem pole. Not being able to use/showcase my talents.

I'm smart, literate, pretty good with people, fair computer skills, artistic, creative. And yet....

In some ways, I feel more alone here than I did up in MA...because here I have other people's happy families shoved in my face, constantly. God, I need a hug. Or maybe five.

On being single for the holidays....

*sigh*

I used to love Christmas. Part of me still does. I love the scents, the feel, having a fire blazing in the hearth, listening to Christmas carols, celebrating the joy of the season, wishing everyone Merry Christmas, or even Happy Holidays. I love eggnog.

But I know I'm going to wake up in an empty house Christmas Day. And I haven't been invited to any parties this year...I feel like I have the cooties. Particularly when I see pics on Facebook of other people having a blast. And it just hurts. I always thought I'd have met someone by this time. I always wanted to be able to have kids I could give Christmas to. That's looking less likely by the minute.

I'm so damn tired of being alone. Its better than being in a bad relationship, there's no question of that, but I wish, wish, WISH that I didn't feel so alone. That I felt like people liked me, for me. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I'm not a social butterfly, by any means.

I'm just lonely. And it becomes exacerbated by all the holiday stuff that emphasises being with someone... and knowing that this is another year where I'm just alone. And it won't be so bad Christmas morning. I'll call my parents in Canada, probably make some hot chocolate, curl up and listen to carols, maybe go to church...