AAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!

I am so annoyed. I keep looking for rechargeable hearingaid batteries. Today I actually spoke to a company that HAD them. HAD a kit. But they have sold out and discontinued the product.

*sigh*

I am so tired of hearingaid batteries piling up. Of them going dead on me and not having extras. Rechargeables would be so much simpler. One set in the aids, one set charging. So much less waste, so much less $$ down the drain, no batteries in landfills contaminating the groundwater.

And the rechargeable ones I find in the store are only the larger ones. The ones for toys, remotes, etc. Which are wonderful, but please, please, please, let me find rechargeable ones for my ears. Size 13, if you are wondering. (The batteries, not my ears...considering the rest of me is somewhat petite...)

What I love about working in a Library..

You find fascinating books when people return them...that's how I found BONK and The Wordy Shipmates, and Terry Pratchett's Nation. But not only that, people remind you of the authors you loved as a child, authors like Margery Sharp. Margery Sharp was the woman who wrote The Rescuers. The original book was much different than the Disney movie of the same name. The mice were the same, and they rescued a child, but the mechanics were very, very different. The book was much more dramatic, involving much more ingenuity...

But if this patron had not asked if I'd ever heard of Margery Sharp, I never would have remembered how passionate I was about her children's books. I remember that vividly now... I loved her books. And the minute I checked the library catalog it all came back to me... even the fact that she'd written adult books as well.

And upon further investigation, I find that there is a website, with picture. And she looks as you would expect an author to look. ...

I find it equally as thrilling to rediscover past loves in literature as I do to find new ones!

I'm dreaming of...

Prince Charming? A White Christmas?

I think we all get caught up in the craziness of this world that we stop dreaming. And yes, there is a difference between dreaming and coveting. (On a side note, try to explain 'covet thy neighbor's wife' to your CCD kids! GAAAAAH One of those 'Think fast on your feet' moments)

I have dreams... I'd like to become more of an actress, a singer. I'd like to have a solo someday, and I've started, hopefully, on that path. I have a small role in a play...

I'd like to do more ceramics, and be able to really come up with gorgeous things that make people say 'oooooh'. I'd like to make a little more money...

Of course I do covet things. I covet the body I used to have when I was a teenager. I would love to be a skinny minnie again... on reflection, however, I'm pretty happy with my life. You don't have to covet to have dreams and follow them. And that's the point that gets lost sometimes, particularly at Christmas.

Christmas is about hope, about dreams and love. But its become so commercialized that its become about greed and desire and coveting. There's always something bigger and better and new... and really, Christmas is about love, and showing love.

Thanks, coz.

My cousin sent me this:









Dear God:
The lady reading this
is beautiful, classy and
strong, and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest.
Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.
Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most,
and
let her know when she walks with you,
She will always be safe.


Love you
Now you're on the clock!!!!
In 9 minutes something will make you happy. ;-)
But you have to tell 9 sisters you love them, including me. Go!!!!







This is a beautiful thing.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...

Annie is over. Right now I am so exhausted I can barely think. But it was such an amazing production. Just absolutely amazing. And it was funny how people from every part of my life ended up showing up in the audience. Every night I'd find out that someone I know was in the audience.

One night it was someone from my acting class. Another time it was someone from my volunteer job. People from church, people from Farmington, just people from all over... it was incredible. I'd come out and people would be waving at me!

And one of the kids at church has one of the cast as a teacher! Its just funny what connections there are... in the oddest ways...

Already I can't wait for next year! Even though we don't know what we are doing yet... (although its not going to have lots of kids, and will definitely not have dogs!).

So I felt like I was on the auction block last night...

At the after-show party, my friend Robert was grilling this guy (the only single guy at the party) and trying to sell me. It was like 'ummmm, ok, but really, no thanks'.

Here's Catherine, she's single, she's been on a dig, she works at the Library, you really should go to the Library where she works [ummm, no thank you. I have enough problems with people in Farmington knowing my business and getting overly involved], she's nice, she owns her own house...

BLEAH.

The problem is, I don't mind people fixing me up with people that they already know, and that they think would be a good match for me. But please, please, by all that is holy, don't just glom onto a guy for me because he is single. That way lies madness. Introduce me to someone nice that I have stuff in common with.

At this point in my life, yes, I am picky, thank you. I've had so many failed relationships that I know what doesn't work for me. I want someone who has their own place, their own life. I want someone who has passion for what they do. I want intelligence, and yes, I'd like someone cute. I wouldn't mind a bit of a neat freak, since I have a tendency to pile things up... layers, piles, dissarray.

And just FYI, Robert, of course, is gay. Its a given. They are all married or gay. If any single guys are reading this, here's a hint to meet girls. Get into community theater.

And my interests? Word games, ceramics, the arts, history, travel (at least have an interest in other countries), books, jigsaw puzzles, good movies, theater, music, musical theater....

In which I am an atrocious blogger

(Apologies to Deanna, for borrowing her method of titling posts...its one of those gray, quiet mornings..and it just feels right)

I'm sitting here, in a slightly messy house (understatement of the century), needing to get umpteen kajillion things done before tech week starts on Sunday (my birthday!). I need to buy clothes, take down Halloween decorations, make Christmas cards, pay bills, clean, figure out what I am eating in the coming week... clean.. go deal with some props, organise, do laundry...

Am I doing this? No. But at least I'm catching up on one thing, my blogging. Yes, I have been a bit slack-assed here. I know its good to do things outside the house, to get out and be constructive... as my house falls down around my ears.

I still need to finish putting up curtain rods, that I bought in the spring (eeeek), but the other problem? My knee is feeling sore. I'm almost tempted to chuck the volume of things I have to do, and just have a day of lolling on the couch with my knee elevated. I'm going to be busy enough next week! Rehearsals every night..(which reminds me, I need to get my ceramics stuff out of the car). I also need to buy an iron to iron costumes...(this shows what actually motivates me...I don't buy an iron to iron my clothes, I buy an iron to iron costumes for Theater Guild!)

I just really, really, really wanted to do some stuff today. Go to Ikea and get a few things, clean up the joint, find music by female composers and figure out what kind of piece I want to do... but at least I have blogged. So now the whole Internet knows that even though I am a light shining down from Heaven, I'm not Martha... heck, even Nigella is tidier than I am.

Oh well, at least I'm, overall, happy. I love my life, as messy as it gets. And I hope all of you are happy with your lives.

Why I am proud to be an American.

We elected for change, for fresh blood. We proved the system works! I am patriotic, don't say I am not, just because I feel that America can learn things from other countries. I welled up when returning to the USA this summer, and saw the Statue of Liberty, lit up at 5 am in New York Harbour.

I am proud to have voted, I am proud that we elected for change, and am proud to be part of the democratic process. Even though there were times when I felt as if it would never end, and times when people got their feelings hurt, and much anger and backbiting was thrown around, its over. I do still feel like the system does need some tweaking, but in the end, it can work.

Let us all unite and move forward under our new President.

Sometimes I still feel like odd woman out...

I'm having a birthday party, where four people are coming, *sigh*. I wish it was more, but it feels like no matter how much I get out and do things, I only can make superficial connections with people.

An aquaintance is having a Halloween party, and I'm not invited. I just feel that if I'm not going out and doing every night, I'll be sitting at home alone. But then I end up sitting alone anyway.

I just feel like I have cooties. I'm neither fish nor fowl... but I am, in the end, alone. And in some ways, I feel like I always will be.

Its not that I'm a big party girl, or I can't make friends, but it just only seems to go so far and no further... that people get some strange impression of me, and then its... ??

I don't know. I just wish it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong all the time...

What Fema should be housing people in?

http://www.switched.com/2008/10/22/house-with-legs-can-walk-seriously/?icid=200100397x1212081808x1200713351

Oh my goodness!

This is so exciting! I was at "Have Flute, Will Travel" last night, and was asked to create a sculptural piece, inspired by a female composer, for a celebration of women composers!

Wooohooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Off to find recordings of female composers and get inspired!

All I want for Christmas....

Or my birthday.... or random surprise gifts....

Plants. I love plants. Flowers are nice too.

Chocolate is always yummy, and can be shared.

Kitchen stuff, I can always use more pots or baking stuff. I need one of those tart pans with a removable bottom (I just wish mine was easily removed!). A French bread pan...

Housewares, pretty tablecloths, linens, serving dishes...

Books. Cookbooks, the more esoteric or ethnic the better. I would love some African cookbooks, or Asian, or Indian... Or even funky ingredients from an Indian store or Chinese store. Williams Sonoma has an interesting-looking gluten-free one.

Movies: I don't have any movies of my own on DVD. I own the first season of the Muppet Show, and that is it.

Music: love musicals, most of mine are on tape or LP (*gasp*)..West Side Story, South Pacific, Annie Get Your Gun, Cats...I need CDs of these!. There is one I've been looking for for ages, I only have a bootleg cassette of it, a French musical about Napoleon Bonaparte.

I love candles, but in the interests of the environment, beeswax or soy, please.

Art, Love Georgia O'keefe, rodin, matisse.. if its impressionistic or colorful...(yes, I really am a five-year-old at heart)

Big-ticket items I need:(this is if my parents are reading this)
a vacuum.
a hand mixer
a kiln
a kitchen island..something like a kitchen table, but with a lower shelf to put things, with maybe a couple of drawers, that is low enough for me to knead on/roll things out. I like the BOOS things Williams Sonoma has, but just shorter. They have a couple of things that almost work. Their marble table is the right height, but no storage/ bottom shelf.
a gas stove. (I love the look of an Aga or an old-fashioned-looking stove) I'd love to have something like an Aga, but with a gas flame. I'd like something with two ovens, instead of one big one, one larger and one smaller... (hey, if I'm going to dream...)

On being deaf and a singer...

Or a musician....

Due to being somewhat crippled, I was flipping channels, and came across a Sundance documentary on a deaf (profoundly, not completely) percussionist.

This is a link to something she has written to sound, as she experiences it:

http://www.evelyn.co.uk/live/hearing_essay.htm

For myself, I know there are things I've had to train myself to do. I don't have perfect pitch, so I have to know what the right notes feel like to sing. I also tend to try to 'lip-read' the piano, if I'm not careful. But when I 'listen' I listen with my whole body. I have found that closing my eyes and centering myself with the music helps. Sometimes I will place a hand on the piano, and feel the right notes, if I'm feeling lost. I try not to rely on crutches, but I do have my tricks to try to re-center myself. Its very odd, because sometimes I have a harder time matching to the human voice, and sometimes an easier time...for me, there is no hard-and-fast rule.

I'm also not profoundly deaf, I'm moderately so. But I am very aware of vibration.

Shoes, shoes, shoes....

I like shoes. Unfortunately, shoe makers don't like me...I see shoes I lust over, and then, lo and behold, I can't wear them. I'm on a board where there are many shoe-loving women, and I look at the shoes longingly...

It doesn't help me when I have the perfect outfit, but no shoes. Sigh. Dressing my feet is even harder than dressing my body. And for your information, 5 1/2 or 6 (at the most) Wide, sometimes WW. According to the shoe fitting chart, I'm supposed to be 5 1/2 EEE *snort* Ummm, no. I am not wearing ugly shoes, thank you, which is the only thing that comes in that size.

ok, I hear you saying you see lots of cute shoes in a 5.5...all narrow. Narrow, narrow, narrow. And I have a high arch, which complicates matters.

But all I would like, really and truly, are some cute shoes. Something to dress up an outfit, something to dress down... I need dressy shoes, I'm dying for a pair of something racy, something in a red...

Ironically, the place I've found most of my shoes? Payless. They have reasonably cute shoes in wides. But they are cheap. And made in China, which hurts my moral values...

Fall Fashion....

So I was glancing through this, while having coffee and trying to wake up:

http://www.stylelist.com/blog/photos/margielas-faceless-models/1065556/

My first thought is that its a ready-to-wear line for the modern dominatrix...

But then I'm flipping through more and more and I start to wonder...granted, the focus in the article is the facelessness, which I'm sure is supposed to be a comment (at least to me) on the interchangeability of fashion models, and maybe about how its the fashion that is important, and not the wearer.

But I'm really seeing more than hints of S&M style as I continue...there's duct tape.. I did really like the shapes of a couple of pieces... the two jackets were nice... I did like the round circle of the one....

But I do start to wonder when there is such dichotomy over what one sees on the runway and the stuff that is in the stores...there doesn't seem to be any influence of one vs the other.....

Me, I'd just like to find something wearable and flattering in the stores...

On getting up the nerve....

Like the Cowardly Lion, I'm scared. *sigh* I want to ask Gabe to give me some kind of solo to work on for Christmas. Maybe for Vallis... but I keep feeling like he's going to say I'm not good enough. I know it takes me a little more work than most to 'get' it, but I know if I wait for him to offer me something, I may be waiting a while. I do also know my solo voice is pretty good. Or maybe even in a quartet or something... I just would love to have a concrete thing to aim towards.

Yet another clothes rant...

So, I have no winter clothes. Literally, I'm going to be naked this winter...unless I find something. The problem is that EVERYTHING seems to be focussed on fitting skinny straight boyish bodies. Here's a news flash...I am NOT a gay man.(Not to stereotype, but every gay man I know is very good-looking and slender) I am a curvy woman. I'm not even that heavy anymore.. (although I've gained weight since coming back to the US). But even so, its tough to find clothes. Everything is a hefty knit...ok, that looks good on a stick, but if you have curves, all of a sudden, you become a lumpy mass of kablooey. I actually like sweater dresses, but they HAVE to be a thinner knit, not big, chunky Irish wool. That just makes me look like an elephant who had a bad weight-loss surgery.

I just get so frustrated. And give me some color, for goodness sake! I like color! And shopping online isn't much help either...

Its sad, I know what I need, I even have some idea of shapes that look well on me. But all I find are hoochie mama or disfiguring knits.

And why have a winter wool dress with short sleeves? WHY? I want my arms to be warm too! (That was the only thing that looked reasonable on me, except for the sleeves and the belt that they'd attached).

Blogging and my life....

So I'm on Facebook, and one of my friends (a college professor!!! eeek, when did we get OLD?) wants to teach a class on blogging, according to her status report.

I think blogging is a fascinating phenomenon. I love reading blogs, there are some that are really wonderful. I also like writing my blog, because in some ways it does help me clarify my feelings about things. I'm uncomfortable now about putting too much personal stuff 'out there' because it is linked to my facebook page...and I suspect people could find it pretty easily otherwise.

I did find myself thinking a little bit in terms of 'blog posts' on my trip. This is when I'd wished I'd had my computer with me, so that I could have done the blog post on the pigeons, or travelling alone, or whatever else I was thinking of. Because even though I have some of the pics for the blog things I was thinking of...

(a view of Montmartre from Musee d'orsay, and vice versa, par example)

I've forgotten the witty things I meant to post.

But I do remember feeling, 'oh, this would make a fantastic blog entry'.

And I just finished reading a fabulous book, called 'Petite Anglaise', which is a story about how one woman's blog changed her life.

I've found a lot of blogs through books, sometimes in very roundabout ways. I read the Sweet Potato Queens books, went to the messageboard, after that died, ended up on a linked messageboard with another author who has a blog I love... (how's that for a run-on sentence?). I found some blogs just linked in the backs of the books.

I've found blogs through other blogs as well.. some have been linked through messageboards that I read, some I happen on by accident. I found a few blogs when searching for a friend's blog...

Its just really amazing to see the number of blogs out there. And to get glimpses into people's lives and the things they are passionate about.

Because even though I may never be a quilter or a knitter, I can see the gorgeous things people make on their blogs and go 'ooooo'. And hopefully, this blog will inspire someone, someday...to do what, I'm not sure..maybe just to live life sucessfully as a single woman who is always trying new things, and who is chasing some dreams...

The real me.

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Also, if you are reading this blog, please click on the sidebar so I can see who you are! I'd like to know that my words are not falling on deaf ears... (and yes, the phrasing is intentional, for those of you who know me)

Parting shots...

This was inspired by and stolen from a friend's blog... The best last lines of novels.
http://americanbookreview.org/PDF/100_Best_Last_Lines_from_Novels.pdf

And its a cool idea, because for me, when I write, I often find that the last line, for me, is the best, the strongest line. And when I read, the last line is the thing that stays with me....

Now I've got to go into my books and find the last lines that have really resonated with me... The book I just read was not a good example of that, but there are some that are truly wonderful.

What is your favorite last line?

You are what you read? (not for under 18)

I'm on a messageboard which is technically about food, but we discuss other things too... one of which is books. And in one thread on books, someone mentioned that he starts thinking like the book he is reading at the moment... so when he reads Tolkien, he starts thinking in Middle-Earthese... and that got me thinking about the phenomenon... and how you are what you read, but sometimes people are the opposite of what they read (at least I certainly hope so!).

I am one of those people who absorbs what I read, and what I read also reflects my state of mind as well. For instance, when I was rediscovering my faith, and trying to figure out what I beleived/how I beleived, I read a lot of 'finding faith' books, and a lot of things about the evolution of Catholicism (I'm actually a little more Gnostic in my beliefs than I am Catholic, with a dash of Protestantism thrown in, but that's a different topic). I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy, as I try to see the magic in the world. Not literal magic, obviously, but there is a beauty that is conveyed by some of the myths and legends, and I love books that incorporate that into the modern world. I like people-based books, about people in strange worlds, about communication. I tend not to like bloody/gory things or 'tabloid' books, or technology-driven sci-fi.

There are, however, little old ladies, and very sweet people, who come to the library and take out the most extraordinary stuff. They take out books on axe murderers, Jack The Ripper, true-crime books...the secret history of Princess Di..

and it does make me wonder. So much of the stuff I read is something that is enriching in some way for me, or helps me figure out my desires, my wants, my interests (and now I may need to 'edit' my library on the side here...it may tell more about me than you need to know!) I just don't understand the little old ladies who want bloody, gory murders, or who like reading Stephen King... every time I've read anything with the slightest tinge of horror, I end up sitting up in bed all night with a carving knife under my pillow! My imagination is just too vivid I guess!

I think (and now this may be TMI, but I'm basically thinking as I write), that the only thing I read about that is at all similar in concept to people reading horror is stuff like Heinlein and Carey, with some racy sexual situations... its stuff I will probably never live, but it is entertaining to read about.

I do tend to take some books very much to heart, though. Which is why I rarely read torrid romances anymore. As much as I would love for a Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and carry me away, at this point, I'm going to have to hunt him down and drag him out from wherever he is hiding... I've also stopped (as much as possible) reading the books where the heroine is really in love with her best friend. My best friend is my best friend, period, end of sentence. I don't want to start transferring the feelings from the book to him, he has enough issues without me acting like a lovesick puppy!

Yes, I know, now it sounds like there is nothing I can read... but it really is amazing how one can transfer feelings from a book into reality... I'm just surprised we don't have more axe murderers as a result!

Why Americans are fat...take two...

I was watching a movie yesterday, on the Indie channel. They did not have commercials. Honestly, I get up, during commercials (or pause a movie on the DVD) and go get something to nosh on. I realised this.

In the cinemas in France, there weren't popcorn, candy, soft drinks, etc. (at least not the two I went in). There weren't those things on the boat at the movie there (the one place we weren't being fed/beveraged)... Its fascinating.

And it really made me think, we really are a food-obsessed culture, and not in a good way. France is food-obsessed in a good way. You sit down, you have a wonderful piece of something, you enjoy it, and then you are done. You don't go home, turn on the telly, and have a packet of chips. (sorry about the mix of anglicisation and americanisms--story of my life, and being on the Queen Mary II brought some of that back to life for me)

Yes, there are other factors too, mini-chocolates, maxi-chocolates (whatever happened to a normal sized candy bar? its either snack-size or mega-humongous-big-whopper-value sized), corn syrup (and now the lobby is feeling the pinch and putting ads out), not having a walking culture...

But you start adding up all the little things, and its scary...

A little disappointed...

*sigh*

So we had our first rehearsal for Annie last night. I'm ensemble, that's fine, I knew that going in. But I kept hoping, until last night, that I'd have a line, or even be an understudy for someone... nope. The only one who was in it last year who does not have any additional bit? Me. Bleah. Everyone else has two or three bits. I know I tended to duck out early from the cast parties and such, but I don't do well when I can't drink because there is nothing safe for me to eat...and don't want to get sloshed when I have to drive myself home. I did sign up for the cast party comittee, that way I can make sure there will be stuff for various allergies, etc, maybe some interesting punch/non-alcoholic stuff.

It just becomes hard to sign up for as much as I'd like to, living 1/2 an hour (or 45 minutes in the case of SLOCO) away, so I try to sign up for those things I can do at home, etc. I'm sure that was a factor. As is the fact that I seem to be scheduled (AGAIN!!!) to work the Sat we move in to SHS. I can't really ask to switch, because with all the crud going on at work, its not really flexible. *sigh*

Oh well, it will still be fun. And there is always next year. Even though this year is when my parents are actually around... imagine that.

Odd Conversations at work...

So I'm trying to jump back into the dating scene (back? I was never really there to begin with). I started out with a wine tasting at one of the local historical places. Yes, I met a few people, but the wine was cheap...so next day, HEADACHE.

So I was chatting with my co-workers the next day, my boss asks me if I've tried Catholic Singles. I said no, because a lot of the things were very religiously oriented, and while I believe, its not the focus of my world. We then started on a topic of dating younger men, which we had to break off because one of our patrons, a member (and ringleader) of The Old F***'s Club, was coming over, probably to see what we were chatting about. Because God Forbid I actually want to laugh about some of the oddnesses of dating... (it seems also like a lot of the men my age are now divorced with kids, which makes me feel OLD).

So later, we pick up the conversation again, and I started to explain to my boss that I have no problem dating younger men (just call me Mrs Robinson). I then find out that she had misheard something I'd said as "Harry is too young", and that's why it evolved into a whole thing on dating younger men... I have no idea what I'd said, but I don't know a Harry...

We end up having odd conversations at work. And the danger zone is that, working in the Library, being active in Church, yadda, yadda, yadda, means that people coming in often know my life just as well as I do!

And now I'm posting this on the Internet for all to see... you know, just to make sure everyone knows all the juicy details of my life. Its an open book anyway!

I'd come in to work the day before and a patron asked me how I'd liked my lunch! Which I'd just bought and eaten at home... that was a 'waittaminute' moment...turns out she saw me at Trader Joes.

So, I will be able to Dewey Decimalize soon...

Heh. We are discarding books from the library collection these days. And I have to confess, I have a tendency to take a few home with me... Its very sad... but pretty soon, seeing as how we are discarding tons, I will have my own library! Heh.

But its also frustrating. I wish we had book recycling in this country. There are so many old textbooks, travel books, etc, that just end up going to waste...

*sigh*

Why can't we recycle unwanted books, phone books, etc? Just such a waste of paper to be tossed in the trash...

The fabulous things people do with rice...

http://coolthingsinrandomplaces.com/rice-field-art/

and a funny:

http://www.sonnyradio.com/treadmillcats.html

Wow. I loved being on the cruise, but...

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/cruises/item.aspx?type=blog&ak=51075048.blog

As you know, I traveled back to the States on the Queen Mary 2. It was fabulous, luxurious, and surprisingly busy, but after 8 days on ship (Hamburg to New York), I was ready to get off. There were an amazing variety of people on the Queen Mary 2. There were people who knew the route, where the best spots were, who were old fans of the ship...who had been on all the Cunard cruise lines. There were folks 'trying it out' who went Southampton-Hamburg-Southampton. (There may have been folks who went Southampton-Hamburg, or Hamburg-Southampton, but the former, I obviously wouldn't have met..) There were even a group of about 200 people who were going round-trip Southampton-New York-Southampton. I think I would have gotten cabin fever! It amazed me how many people were regulars.

I can still see why this lady would like to live aboard, though. In this era of retirement homes with forced activities, poorly paid, overworked staff... to live in a place where you get to go all over the world, with meals included. They take care of your dietary needs, you can swim, you can go to lectures, plays, take a dance class, get a massage...there is a library, and for a nice chunk of change, even Internet. There are pretty up-to-date movies, and even TV (although you lose it in the Mid-Atlantic..Cunard needs to set up their own satellite for TV). You'd always meet new people. And the staff would really get to know you.

I would miss taking ceramics, seeing trees and greenery, seasons... I would miss having my own things around me, and I'd get tired of dressing for dinner every night. I'd want to get off the boat and walk around.

An ode to self-portraits at arm's length...

On traveling alone...

Travelling alone can be a lot of fun. You can stop at a museum that looks interesting, or run through the Picasso museum because you like his early stuff or later stuff, but not the in-between. (Just a tip, though, distance makes all the difference in looking at his pieces). You can go to a movie, a bookseller, or change your plans if you feel a little unenergetic. (Which is what happened to me today, too much tourista the past two days). I'm considering getting a couple magazines and going to Paris-Plage. (they have transformed the banks of the Seine into a 'beach', its very cool)

In Paris, there is no stigma about dining alone, or going to the butcher and getting one of something. You can stop, have a cafe, watch the world go by. You don't even get hit on all that much. I get hit on more often by sleazy characters in New York.

The only issue with traveling alone is that its difficult to take silly pictures of yourself thinking with The Thinker, or posing with 'Les Trois Ombres'. You will get a lot of pics of me, at arm's length, grinning like a fool into the camera... but that's about it. Otherwise there isn't much proof that I'm actually here... I don't want to come back!

And exhaustion hits...

This has been a great trip so far, but I am so tired! Its finally an afternoon of down time. Everyone came back and crashed after we sang.. (it was very cool though, as we sang this morning at the Pilgrim´s Mass at Santiago De Compostela). That was neat. And apparently the priest and nun were very complimentary. I messed up my knee earlier in the week, in Madrid, I think, and it finally got back to normal, more or less, this afternoon.

Its been an amazing trip, but I do have some issues with the planning. This is our first free afternoon (previously its been an hour here, half an hour there) and we are out in the boonies, away from the city. With the previous cities we visited, our hotels were in town, but we would get there at siesta time, have to leave when things opened, and were exhausted by the time we were done. There has to be a better way to plan a trip.

And if a person has a food allergy, the tour agency needs to talk to the restaurants, etc ahead of time, make sure that there will be something available for that person. I got the best meal of the trip when the director´s parents organised a dinner. I got a lovely salad, octopus, all kinds of things, because his mom knew what celiac disease is.

I shudder to think what will happen when this tour group gets someone with a peanut allergy.

But singing in all these old cathedrals has been truly, truly amazing. It really has. And singing as part of a Mass for all these people who had traveled from all over the world? Wow. (And they had this huge incense censer-I forget the name) which was amazing. Just a spectacular experience. Photos will be added in about a month.

Ole! Ole!

I could probably find the accent on this keyboard, considering I´m blogging from the lobby of the hotel...but I´m having enough trouble finding things like @ and ?

As you can tell, I am in lovely Madrid. I got a little pink today, but am having a blast. All kinds of new things to learn...this is probably going to be one of my more expensive summers...I´ve stopped trying to calculate how many dollars I am spending when I spend Euros....I start cringing. Its really, really sad how badly the dollar is doing, and only liable to get worse. It is gorgeous weather, wonderful people, wonderful things to see...I´ve already gotten in trouble by losing the group once... I just don´t like people telling me what I should be looking at! (you can tell I´m not a sheeple, can´t you?)

Dinner is in 15 minutes, and I am starving. I went to the Prado, overdosed on Goya, saw a few ´Bosco´. I saw one more today, but was pulled away forcibly by the choir director who came to find me because the group was leaving. Bah Humbug. Our first concert went well. And today we sang on the steps in front of the ´Valley of the Fallen´, which the other tourists enjoyed.

Anyway, other folks are waiting for computers, and its time for dinner and then flamenco dancing! So Ole until next time!

Disappointments....

*sigh*

I didn't get in to my audition. I was sure it was going to happen...but I just got the phone call. And the boat I was going to take back just fell through because they apparently charge ten times the price for single occupancy. It just feels the moment I have things planned, everything disintegrates.

And why is this world so focussed on doubles?

Bleah.

But I am going to Spain tomorrow! yay!

C

I hate politics.

I'm saddened. I have been doing the choir gifts, for the most part, for various people, and I was stabbed in the back recently. The first time I did the gifts, I ended up with extra money after the fact, because people give late. So I rolled it over to the next gift for Gabriel. This only happened once. But because I happened to mention that it happened (stupidly) to one person, apparently it became that I was rolling over all extra money. Ummm, no. But I can't win, because when I tried to explain that it only happened once because now I put my own money in, and it does work out that I have figured out roughly how many people are late, I was told I shouldn't do that either.

*sigh*

I don't mind doing it this way. I just wish, with all my heart, that someone had TALKED to me first. Instead of listening to gossip, and making assumptions. I am tempted to leave, I really am. Because I am hurt, and at least one person in the choir does not trust me. And that hurts. I don't mind getting help, but I do mind that people obviously had concerns that they didn't talk to me about.

And I did have an idea for next year to make things easier. To collect at the beginning of the year for both gifts for Gabe. But one of the people responsible wants a committee now. I'm just not sure I really want to be involved anymore. I love singing in the choir, but I hate knowing that there are people standing next to me, singing with me, who were that angry/upset with me, to do what they did, and not talk about their concerns. A committee with these people who don't trust me? Do I want to do that to myself? But I hate to just let them have their own way, to reward the snake-in-the-grass manipulation either.

But it just hurts that no-one was willing to talk to me about their concerns. I could have told them that the only thing that got rolled-over, once, was the money for Gabriel's gift. Everyone else's gift was all the money that I was given.
Speedo's, Father's, everything.

I just wish I knew how to make this better. How to fix this.

And the saga continues...

I swear, this curtain rod thing is making me bash my head against the wall! So I got the Ikea curtain rods up, kinda/sorta (managed to strip the head off of one screw so it wont go all the way in or come out again...) but at least I have curtains in the bedroom, so it stays cool in there....

The Crate and Barrel brackets are still giving me fits, however. I ordered two more sets because I liked the shape, and the new ones came with a little doohickey, but it doesn't seem to fit the screw thingy!!!!! Yaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh. So I guess I get to mosey over to Crate and Barrel one of these days, maybe tomorrow (hit the farmer's market too) and see if one of their employees can help me. And then I'll be over there Friday morning, because they are having a sale, and I do need some furniture...

But why, in the name of all that is holy and sacred, can there not be intelligent design options? I know what I want to do, but its like pulling teeth to get it even close to being accomplished!

ARGH!

The curtains in the bedroom do look nice and are keeping it cool...

Well, that does it!

I would not make a good 1930s housewife:

17 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

There are things I am good at, but housewifery is not among them. I am a good hostess, good with people, love art, music...but domestic goddess? No. If I ever end up in a relationship again, he will have to be more on the neat side to counteract the domestic chaos.

Here is the site:
http://www.magatsu.net/maritaltest/

My trouble with curtain rods....

Sometimes I feel as if there is a conspiracy against me actually putting up shades or curtain rods. I bought these wonderful bamboo poles to use as curtain rods, but finding brackets for them? Hah! I finally found some at Crate and Barrel. They came, they fit the poles, and then came time to put them up... they have a pin thing which requires a very small allen wrench...which I did not have. It was not listed in the instructions as something you'd need, implying it came with the item, which it did not. So now I have these gorgeous brackets, which I love, which I can't put up.

Then I bought some cheap curtain rods at Ikea, just so I could put something up to keep my bedroom, which is rapidly becoming akin to a sauna, cool. And they did not include screws of any kind with their brackets. GAAAAAAAAAH! I have the curtains, the rods, the brackets, but not the right screws. And I bought a bunch of shades, all of which turned out to be the wrong size.

Excuse me while I pound my head against the wall in frustration. My house is turning into an oven in this heat. I need CURTAINS!!!!! Lets see what else can go wrong.

Shock TV

What Not To Wear! You Are What You Eat! Wasted! (please excuse any typos, my 'a' isn't working consistently) How Clean Is Your House? (and yes, I do watch BBC America, trsh tv with an English accent is classier than trash tv with an American accent....it just is, ok?)

What amazes me about a lot of these shows is that they show extremism. Extremism in the people they 'help', and extremism in the methods they use. Moderation? There is none. There is excitement, emotional crisis, breakdowns, tears, cheating. Its all or nothing.

No chocolate! No dairy! No spandex! No dirt! No wastage! No mess!

Folks, life isn't all or nothing... life is about moderation. I wish there were shows that reflected that. They wouldn't be as riveting, but they would be about common sense.

Reunions are fun!

And at least I am prepared for what people might look like at the next one! ;)

There was only one person where it took a day or so to click...heh, actually most people look the same. So much fun, but so much walking...I'd forgotten how much walking was involved...no wonder I was fit when I lived there!

But it was just a blast. I definitely reccommend going to yours, it is so worth it. I think starting to go at the tenth or 15th is probably the best, people have matured, and are doing interesting things!

I am wondering when I'm going to fall over in a heap of exhaustion though.... hopefully not during church this morning!

Frustration, thy name is....

digital hearingaids. Gaaaaaaah. Supposedly newer hearingaids are better, but the audiologist put off talking about new ones (even though I went into her office from Day 1 with the intent) until today. I knew these weren't working for me. But apparently they don't make analog hearingaids anymore, because the sound is sooooo much better with digital. So now I just have the choice of spending $$$ or $$$$$. I can get hearingaids with wider frequencies, with more programs, etc, etc. They have more sophisticated programs, etc. But the thing that just drives me bonkers is that I just want amplification. I don't want things with umpteen kajillion buttons, or have to remember, ok program 5 is such and such. I just feel so frustrated. These 'mute' the sound when it gets different frequencies going on... I don't want muting. I don't want to feel like I am hearing less. I don't care about the damn feedback management system, my hearing threshold is low enough that my hearing needs to be on the edge of feedback all the time. And feedback management is horrible.

And I also HATE the damn phone switches. *sigh*

I'm just feeling frustrated. Because it seems like what will help is to get more complicated, but it may also be ending up as more issues for me, and more damn tweaking.

End of year gifts....

Wheee! Its that time again. Time to collect $$ and give gifts. I have ideas, I do... I like giving more than just a gift card.

Gabe, if you are reading this, stop NOW. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200.


Ok.

Lets

give

some

space

so

he

doesn't

inadvertently

see

anything.

There is a problem with gifts for Mr Gabriel. Its not that he is picky, its getting stuff that is 'enough' for the choir, because they want BIG. But I'm not always happy with just a gift card, I want to do something well-thought out, that he will like and use. (I don't like gift cards because I never use them, I just don't). I know what he will get for his birthday... but have no idea what to get him this year as an end-of year gift. Part of it depends on how much folks give, too. I know he collects roosters/chickens, masks... which actually gives me an idea for next year, if I can get his partner's cooperation. He collects something else, which I am blanking on... He likes sunflowers... hmmm, he might need luggage...I'll have to remember to ask one of the guys...

I like doing it, but it can be tough, when you only know someone casually, to get him something he will like.

I'd also like to do something for the Vallis boys, but not sure what. A signed program once it comes out, maybe? For each. Or a signed, framed photo of the Vallis choir for each...that might work.

Its Smurfalicious!

So I was digging through the bags at the Library the other day, looking for a DVD from the main for a patron, and I found, lo and behold, that we own the Smurfs on DVD. Now of course I HAD to take that out...just for the cheese factor alone...

And I'm watching it, and its cheesy, yes, but some of the messages there are odd, when you think about it. Smurfette was created by Gargamel, with black hair. When she was transformed into a real smurf, she became a blonde. hmmmm. Subliminal messages much?

And don't you wonder how Papa Smurf got to be a Papa without a Mama Smurf around? Maybe they grow like mushrooms....

There were some valuable lessons in the Smurfs, though. Language (usage of real words, like integrity), friendship, doing for others...

But its amazing sometimes how we've gotten shaped by TV and the TV shows of our childhood. TV has taken the place of the traditional oral tradition, or telling stories around the campfire, or the stories in religion, the oral transmission of where we come from, and what shapes us. Kids today, as evidenced by my CCD class, come from a larger world, and yet have, in some ways, less sense of where they came from. They have more pieces to put together, because they have more stories to learn from.

What did you learn from your childhood TV shows? What stories do you have to share?

What happens at the Library stays at the Library?

Not always. This is what happens when a nine year-old gets bored while waiting for his sister...

Stories of the Ancient World

So I'm half watching a story on books that were excluded from the Bible. And one story amused me. Apparently written around the first Century BC, it involves Joseph and his wife, the daughter of an Egyptian priest. Its a love story, involving a miracle that enabled them to marry.

What they did not mention in the program is that there was a growing tradition of love stories around that time... (I took a class on the Ancient Greek Novel in college). Love stories involving the fantastic and amazing, where love generally triumphed. (And in the Ancient Greek Novel, the Adventures of Baron Munchausen would have paled in comparison). I do wonder how that would have tied in...

It just demonstrates some of the problems with overspecialisation. Something can come from a Biblical tradition and a popular tradition as well, and there was much more interaction around the ancient world than most people realise, yet it all get pigeonholed. Which does annoy me.

Green ponderings...

So much of our lives these days are being greenwashed. I found myself, this morning, watching a commercial for Clorox's green cleaners, and thinking:

Is it better for me to buy green cleaners from Clorox, when so much else they do causes harm to the planet, or wouldn't it be better to buy from truly environmental companies? On the one hand, if you buy the green cleaners from Clorox, you encourage them to see that is what people want, but are you also encouraging greenwashing?

Greenwashing is the process whereas companies pay lip service to the organic/natural movement, but really continue in making toxic products/services that only seem green.

I saw another ad, another megacorporation, which is apparently using methane/landfill gas to power a factory. Yes, that is wonderful, but look at the products that are made in that factory. Toxic cleaners and air fresheners. Lovely. Yes, its a step forward, but are the products made in that specific factory labeled as such? So that consumers can buy those products that are made at less harm to the environment? Or is this company greenwashing? Is it just one factory? Or are you doing this in all your factories?

And why not team up with Clorox, make the Green cleaners in the Green factories? Then I'd buy them.

Toxicity...

The more I read, the more horrified I am at what a toxic world we live in. We have chemicals bombarding us everywhere. We have an onslaught of GM foods. There are drugs in our water, antidepressants, ED, chemicals, poisons. Even the most pristine lakes are having weed issues and pollution.

I'd like to move to Mars please.

There is plastic everywhere. Even if you try to recycle... there is plastic on the inside of the food cans! Everything is toxic.

Our systems are bombarded, and we have a toxic load from before birth. And yet my great-grandparents lived in the days of the covered wagons, and they were healthy.

All the modern diseases are being linked to what we have done to ourselves. Kids are being born with more and more severe allergies...

We have to stop. We have to change. We have to fix this before its too late. We are drowning in our own filth. Just go back to a traditional farming pattern, stop the agribusiness. Stop the chemicals on lawns, bleaching our lives 'clean', stop the neverending plastic. Plastic within plastic. Plastic being fed to our kids...

Marvelous language...

Language and idioms are wonderful, wonderful things. I read a variety of things, including some older books, and I was enchanted with two phrases that recently hit me over the head. I'd love to hear others, if anyone knows some.

In the Alice B Toklas cookbook, a potential servant is horrified and leaves because no-one told her that Alice and Getrude Stein (aside, oddly, Alice refers to G.S by her full name all the time in the book)

"lived French" and that that was not what she had been led to suspect and she was leaving, which she did. P. 180

In Anne's House of Dreams, a childhood classic for women of a certain age (and any potential kids of mine), Miss Cornelia announces:

His second wife could manage him. She made him walk Spanish, believe me! P.95

I always wonder how these expressions came about, and marvel at how apt they are. And we don't use these anymore... I love colloquialisms, idioms, language. Fit as a fiddle, poor as paint...

Favorite Movie scene of all time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-bsf2x-aeE

Never fails to make me laugh. I love it.

Not-So-Deep Thoughts...

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while, oh Faithful Reader. I've been busy. I've had a bunch of thoughts recently, though (gasp! She THINKS too!)

I just read a book by Kirsten Lobe, called French Trysts. It details her fictional sexcapades in Paris, before she reconnects with her true love. And then there was a movie tonight, called Trust The Man, which was also about relationships and sex.

Both of these, at heart, are about knowing what you want and working out a relationship. Of trusting the other person that is out there. I just end up feeling so lonely... I go out there, and I am happy with myself, comfortable with myself, but yet, somehow, I'm unapproachable.

What gives? Do I have cooties? Do I smell?

Granted, it doesn't help that every man I meet seems to be significantly older, married, or gay.

All I want is to date. DATE. I'm not even looking for s-e-x at this point (lived without it for five years, I can go a little longer). It just feels sleazy to go to some of these singles things. And Internet guys?? Ewwwwww. Tried that before with my last few relationships...blech.

And yes, I have tried Home Depot, I've tried going to the grocery store after work and picking a couple things up, and flirting (and guys, if you are married, wear your ring, PLEASE). I go to church regularly, but I'm not really interested in the 'church singles' group. I'm sorry, but lets all meet up in a group and go to pray the Rosary? Oh yeah, that's a stimulating single activity.

I work at the library (although it would help, in the summer, to work upstairs, and NOT in Children's), I'm in community theater (and guess what, the guys there are all married too).

Hey, God, I could use some help please. It is impossible to try to date and meet people in this day and age. And I'd like to someday have a 'last man I kissed' be someone other than my ex.

Bleah. Trying to date is worse than trying on swimsuits.

My creations...

I just got a couple of pieces back from the studio, and I am so happy! They turned out so much better than I ever anticipated. I wanted to share pics. I handbuild. The first piece was created with slabs and molds, the second is completely freeform.

Do you know this man?

Or to title more accurately, Catherine is losing her mind to senile dementia.

I was going through a box in my house. I have many boxes filled with papers because I became disorganised with the ex, and never got my stuff together after that.

And I found this pic. I remember trimming it to fit the frame I had. I remember he gave me the pic. Other than that, its a fog. I have no clue who this cute boy is/was. His name? Might have been Todd. Yeah, he looks like a Todd. Lets call him Todd, and make up a nice backstory for him.

Heh. I also found my English Language notebook from when I was in S4S. And my sticker collection. Ms Pac-Man? Michael Jackson when he still looked human? (Girly, but human).

Scratch and sniff puffy stickers! Heh.

Eye candy, derring-do and insomnia...

So I watched an old friend tonight... The Three Musketeers (1993), with lots of eye candy...
Tim Curry, Keifer Sutherland, Chris O'Donnell.

Here's the listing of who is who:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108333/

I like corny movies, I like swashbuckle (without a lot of gore or CGI). I like romance and true love... Its why I like opera, and light opera... I like the one liners (although I think Oliver Platt was a bit heavy-handed in some of his delivery...) I love that "how to seduce a woman" scene, where they show that language can be as thrilling and arousing as a great kiss...

I love movies where true love reigns supreme...

But now I'm edgy, awake and lonely. I want my Musketeer, my Indiana Jones, my own hero to come sweeping out of the ether... I want my Romeo, my Lancelot, my Yuri, my Heathcliffe...

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

I had (another) dream

Hmmm. There must be something in the water...

This was a really surreal one. I was at some outdoor festival/concert-type thing. And I had some free time, so I went into this place that sold handmade clothes. I started trying things on, and lo and behold, I was skinny! (In real life, I go into a store, try on clothes, and scream in horror at my fatness, but I digress) The clothing needed to be specially designed for me, so the designer, who was in the store, started measuring me, and doing all kinds of things... I have a memory of her designing a fake chicken puppet out of crystals. And doing show-offy things, dropping things around for her assistants to pick up. And then she needed to see me privately, so she went into this curtained, raised room, almost a box, but it was dark. The assistant boosted me up and helped me to crawl in. Then she made a pass at me! (designer, not assistant)

I remember in the dream grabbing my pantyhose and my purse. I was in a bra (this just proves it was a dream!) and panties, and ran for the hills. The hills ended up being the streets of Cairo, Egypt, and I was looking for the back way into Groppi's. I circled the block about five times, and finally found the entrance. I woke up as I was going down the stairs.

I do wonder about some of the subtexts here, as I post this. I wonder if I'm afraid of getting thinner. I'm a reasonable size now, but could stand to lose about 20 more pounds. Hopefully I'll be having more dreams, maybe blogging them will help me remember them?

What is your word?

A friend sent me this, and its a wonderful idea:

http://aliedwards.typepad.com/_a_/2008/01/the-words.html

Pick a word you want for the coming year.

I think mine will be:

Inspiration.

I want to inspire others and want to be inspired as well. Its a circle of life and inspiration.

What is your word and why did you choose it?

Last night I had the strangest dream....

I dreamt that a friends partner had died. And I was consoling him, just holding his hand and being there. Then it changed from that to practicing for something with him, and I was right on with the notes and all, I was a soloist in something.

It was a very very very strange dream.

I don't usually dream, or remember my dreams.

Happy Epiphany!

My Wise Men have now joined the rest of the Creche after having journeyed around the house. (one of my silly little personal traditions). While today officially marks the last day of Christmas, I hate to take it all down now that they are reunited. After all, I can't imagine that the Wise Men actually turned around and left the next day, that would be silly.

Hope you had a Happy and Blessed Christmas Season.

Dreams, heartache, and love.

She had always had her secret dreams of the first time some one should ask her the great question. And it had, in those dreams, always been very romantic and beautiful: and the "some one" was to be very handsome and dark-eyed and distinguished-looking and eloquent... And it would always be a beautiful memory, to be proud of and a little sad about also.

Anne of the Island, L.M. Montgomery

It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.

Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte

"Phedre no Delaunay, we are mismatched in more ways than I can count, and like as not, we'll find ways to hurt each other neither of us have even dreamt yet. The only thing I can imagine worse than spending my life with you is being without you- I've done it, and I never want to experience the like again."

Kushiel's Chosen, Jacqueline Carey

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas

I'm sick. I can't breathe.

On a positive note, though, I've gotten rid of links to various boards and blogs that just depressed me. Blogs and photo accounts that made me feel left out. They are gone. I'd rather sit with a person and have them show me the fun times in their life, if they want to.

The Internet can be a wonderful tool, yes, but it can also make people think they are part of someone's life or community when they are not. It needs to be used carefully.

I'm going to be busy starting this weekend (hopefully I'll get my singing voice back by Sunday!), so limiting the amount of brain-sucking Internet usage is a good thing.

I do miss being able to talk, let alone sing, though. Send healing thoughts and prayers, please.

I'm empowering myself. I am going to accentuate the positive this year. And I am listening to wonderful Christmas carols.

How Barbie Shaped My Life.

Heh. Yes, instead of an insightful New Years blog on how I am giving up all things sinful, (except sex, which is never apparently going to happen again anyway) you get a slightly feverish blog on how Barbie (and Ken) affected my life.

I always wanted, secretly, to dress like Barbie. Yes, she had some frumpy clothes, but the majority "showed off her assets" so to speak. It didn't help, I think that I grew up in the Middle East and that none of my relatives ever dressed to look good. It was always more the LL Bean look with my mom's family, and with my dad's? My aunts always wore skirts, below the knee, non-fitted. My paternal grandmother was always in some kind of caftan.

I always wanted that purple pantsuit. (yes I did grow up in the 70s) Who wouldn't want sexy, cute clothes to show off curves? And Barbie had glamorous, gorgeous clothes. I always liked the simpler, sexy things (which is why they don't really fit Barbie now, while the clothes I disliked are in much better condition...and yes, I still own my Barbies, and their furniture, and my Dream House, although they are at least stored in a box)

I never found Barbie's clothes in adult sizes, except for recently, when I was browsing this one site http://www.retrodress.com/ and found the pink dress from up top. I was so tempted to buy it. I love pink and purple. And I adore that green dress. I recently realized, when I was clothes shopping, that I was looking for something like that.

Edit: They still have it! http://www.retrodress.com/dr37.html They also have a hat and a necklace that I am in lust over. Sometimes the Internet is a bad thing. (here is the hat, if anyone wants to buy it for me...http://www.retrodress.com/ot125.html)

Barbie affected more than just clothes, though. Think about her living situation for a minute. She owns a Dream House. She owns campers, cars, horses, etc. She has 'younger siblings' (in my world, Barbie had kids, not little sisters. Little sisters were a pain in the tuchus). And there is usually one Ken for 20 Barbies. We had a big group bed for all the Barbies and Ken, and then a special single bed for one Barbie.

In retrospect, this affected my life more than I realised, looking back! I had gotten involved with a man with multiple partners, a lot of his partners knew each other! Heh.

Now granted, I can't put all the blame on Barbie. But it is funny, and sad too.

And here I am, living alone in my Dream House. I even own my own car too! But no Ken, and no 'younger siblings'. At least if Ken ever comes around, I know he won't have molded plastic underpants!