How it happens...

So I have not been to the dentist in an embarassing number of years. I've also, yes, become a little lax with hair removal, things like that...

The dentist is actually mostly a fear. I had a lot of doctors sticking a lot of things in my mouth when I was small, and I just hate it. I start to panic at the thought of going to the dentist... and I know a couple of very nice dentists, personally, but I would never go to them because I start to panic... literally, I am scared to death. A friend asked me yesterday, "And you kiss boys with that mouth?" No, I don't, and that's part of the problem. I get a little lazy when I'm not really dating (at this point, I've pretty much given up. Most of the men my age are slimy, married creeps, as far as I can see). But yes, I know I should get my teeth cleaned. I'm just terrified. And I know they have drugs, but drugs intensify the problem for me. I can't take sleeping pills either...

But things like this start small. If you are single, you start going to bed without showering, sometimes. Or you fill up the other side of the bed with books...or you have cheese and crackers for dinner. You neglect to shave your armpits or your legs in winter because its too much hassle when its just for you.

And then one day you look at yourself and you are the crazy-cat-lady without the cats. I don't know why we are so programmed to look nice for other people, but not for ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I do shower, I do eat healthy food, and do have some pampering time. I do wear makeup, sometimes get a mani or pedi, but I'm not high-maintenance girl, either.

I do, however, need to get to the dentist. I know I do. But God help me, I'm so scared. I know its not rational. But its true.

In Which Stacy and Clinton would have a Field Day with me and my wardrobe.

And Trinny and Susannah would be aghast. I love funky clothes. I love shopping at Forever 21. I like a mix of leggings, yoga pants, no bra (hate, hate, hate bras with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns). I like form-fitting clothes (not tight, but form-fitting..I have a reasonably shapely figure, even though I'm a few pounds heavier than I'd like). I wear a lot of knits, but also have some very girly clothes.... I love lace, pretty shoes, hats (love love love love hats). I love dressing up. I love color.

Yes, I could go out and buy a bunch of suits so I can look polished and professional. Strict blouses, tie my hair back. I hate chinos and khaki and beige with a passion. I hate baggy clothes, that look like you are covering things up. (however, don't let things spill out all over creation either... there is such a thing as too much cleavage and too much skin). I like feeling feminine... I love dresses.

Trying....

Ok, I know its been forever since I've written a post. There are so many things I've tried to start writing about, get halfway through, and then give up. I'm getting busy again, and running around like a maniac. So I'll give you some bullet-points.

I just finished J.S.F's Eating Animals. I cringed and whimpered so many times while reading that. Such cruelty in these slaughterhouses. Such waste in the fishing industry. We've got to fix these things. There has got to be a way to fish sustainably. We have got to get back to eating the whole animal, and killing them without needless cruelty. Do we really need cheap meat that much? (yes, we've also ruined agriculture, too with huge monocultures)

I am single, female, and like sex. In the culture I grew up with, that would get me shunned at best, and probably killed. Even in this culture, a single woman who likes sex is seen as a slut. Um, no. I like looking at men, I like the feel of the male body. This does not make me a slut.
I also have endo, which can make sex problematic at times. When I go to the dr asking for help, I don't want to be told 'Avoid penises'. This just makes me avoid the dr.

On a related note, men are strange. BLEAH.

And on the sex note, I am not a cougar, or a BBW. I'm larger than I'd like, yes, but I don't see myself as being that large. And a cougar is someone who aggressively chases younger men. Um no. Not me. I look, I admire, but too much younger? No. And I'm not really aggressive.
(Yes, sometimes I like playing the dom... but that's a different story)

Also, trying to find a balance... yes, there is a part of me that wants to find the 'right' man, but mostly I doubt he even exists. And I like having my own space, my own life. I'm having real trouble trying to figure out how dating and a romantic relationship would even fit into my life. But I don't want 'Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am' either. I want respect, even in a sex-only relationship...