Fears.

I'm so tired of being afraid. Afraid to get things done on my house. Afraid of biting the bullet and adopting or having a kid alone.

And I'm TIRED of being alone. Just tired of feeling that I have to watch out or I'll be taken advantage of. Tired of feeling like every time I let my guard down I get smacked upside the head.

(When the contractor and the architect came over, they apparently found the door from the garage to the kitchen standing wide open. I KNOW that was not me. And yes, I am creeped out. I was upstairs, asleep.) The thing is, part of me wonders why they'd opened the garage (they said the garage door was closed) and wonders if they'd opened it to try to get my attention. Which makes me wonder how far I can trust them.

I get TIRED of people making assumptions. I get tired of feeling like I am on a treadmill to nowhere, and I'm tired of feeling used. I feel unappreciated and alone. And I just feel as if my life is a waste. A waste of time, of money...

(sorry, its just one of those days. Just feeling so alone, but I'm not going to be with someone just for the sake of being with anyone, that doesn't work either).

I give up.

In which I need remodelling advice.

So, I bought this house about 4 years ago, and when I bought it I had every intention of gutting the kitchen, taking out the bathroom that the previous genius owner had put in, and putting in another above the kitchen. I'd wanted to tile the bathroom floors, etc, etc, etc. Needless to say, none of that happened. But I'm getting increasingly frustrated with a kitchen I cannot cook in and a bathroom that is in one of the coldest parts of the house.

Originally, I was thinking of raising the roof over the kitchen and putting a nice bathroom in there, rather than shoehorning a bathroom into a closet (which would also be cold). I want to keep the kitchen and bath charming and in the spirit of the house, a 1950s cape cod (kinda, sorta).

I saw too many odd renovations when I was shopping for a house where it was a new, modern space plunked into an old one, it just didn't work.

What have you done as renovations that worked and didn't?

Frustration.

I'm having one of those nights. I just want to walk out the door and just keep going. No-one would miss me. I've dabbled my life away, I have no kids, no accomplishments, I'm a freaking failure. My house feels like a giant white elephant tonight, I feel like its one step forward, two steps back. I'm FAT. And no-one is attracted to me. I just feel so damn alone. I can't rely on anyone.

I just really feel so frustrated. I'm no-one, going no-where. I just want friendship, companionship, and yet, here I am, 40 years old, rattling around in this house... alone.

Or I go up to the Lake and rattle around there... (although somehow I feel more lonely here).

And I can't seem to get anything done. Friends who i thought were going to help me have flaked out, and I can't even get my DEN finished.... I can't get a second estimate on the painting, I just feel stuck in damn Limbo.

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Food, Eggs, Frenchwomen...

I know, I know, I've been remiss with blogging. Bad, bad, bad Catherine.

I've been taking a lot of cookbooks out of the library, recently, including the newest one of Mireille Giuliano, The French Women don't get Fat cookbook. A few things in that one irritated me. The reason that a lot of Frenchwomen don't get fat is that they walk, or bicycle, places. I remember when I was in Paris two years ago, I walked everywhere. There are also fruit stands everywhere, so hypothetically, you can buy fruit right there and have a snack. There is a LOT less sugar in their food, too... and even the gluten-free prepped food was wonderful. It wasn't too sweet, and it had 'chew', like bread is supposed to have. The yogurt was just yogurt...no gelatin, no sugar, no additives...and the eggs were fresh enough that they were not refrigerated... which leads me into my next complaint.

We have a nationwide egg recall. Eggs from one 'farm' in the midwest have gone to almost every state in the Union. This is insane. When you add up the energy costs, not only to produce the eggs (feed the chicken, etc), but then to ship them, store them... its just crazy. Our food supply is so oil-based... and I don't know what happens to the 'old' laying chickens. It used to be they'd go into soup. Maybe pet food? I know they don't go for human consumption... but its amazing how fragile our food supply is....

I know the farm I use for eggs, milk, and veal has slaughtered a couple of heifers (maybe they went dry, I haven't asked), and I've been buying the meat... I should ask them if they ever have older chickens (stewing chickens) for sale...

How I am alone...

So I was reading one of the blogs on my list, and saw this poem on it:
How to Be Alone

I live alone. I have basically been alone since I was 16. Apart from the years with the ex from 27 to 32.

I used to dance by myself as a teenager. And I think I need to start doing that again.

I go to museums alone. I travel alone. When I went alone on the Queen Mary, people asked me why. I answered that I didn't want to wait for someone to come along who would do these things with me, because if I did, it might never happen.

Its more likely for me to do things alone than with someone. People I know all have their own lives, and their own agendas. They have kids, they have full-time jobs, they have family close by.

I have family in the summer, at certain times of the year. I go to the theater, go to concerts... but yes, I go to movies alone. I eat out alone.

Alone isn't hard, and alone doesn't have to be lonely. Of course, sometimes it is. And of course, sometimes its hard. But generally, I like alone...

But I like people too.