New Year, new me?

So, my resolution this year is to use less plastic.  It may sound silly at first until you start thinking about how much plastic is in the world.   Almost everything is shrink-wrapped.    Fruit comes in plastic bags/boxes, even the meat from the Farmer's market comes in plastic bags.    Cheese comes in plastic.  So do sweets.   Gluten-free breads and some flours.  Mixes.   Salad greens.   Cereals, crackers, nuts.

Home stuff too, plastic paint trays, dropcloths.   Painters tape.   Zip ties are plastic.  

Plastic pens. Folders.

Clothes.  Even those little plastic threads that attach tags.   And "vegan" clothing often has plastic.  

Drinking straws, coffee lids...

Just so much plastic.   Ugh.

So much that just goes straight to the landfill.

And I feel like it is one or the other, if its organic, its in plastic, if its not, its doused in chemicals.

DVDs are plastic, Christmas ornaments....

I need to stop and take stock.  

And cut down more.   Even if its just in half, that will make a difference in my health and in the health of the planet, if EVERYONE just cut their plastic consumption in half.

My other resolutions?  The usual, exercise more, eat healthier, start dating, get some house projects DONE.

A very solitary Christmas. Which is fine.

I was alone for Christmas.

I built a fire.

I read a book.

I took a nap.

I was going to roast a duck, but its still frozen.

I had pickles and cheese for lunch.  :)

And I had one present.

And you know, with all that, it was still a good Christmas.

I do wish I'd bought a tree...it would have been nice to have the Christmas lights tonight.

But I did not miss the sugar, the hyper, the trying-not-to-be-poisoned by gluten...

Sometimes living alone is nice.  You can wear your jammies all day.   You can slip a little schnapps into your morning coffee.  You can do a crossword and listen to Christmas carols by the fireplace...

I had myself a Merry Little Christmas, and my heart is light.

I hope, if you are reading this, that the rest of your Christmas is merry.

The Christmas That Wasn't.

Sometimes, being single is actually ok for the holidays.   This year, I don't really have any Christmas "goodies".  I don't have a tree.  I've got my creche set up, a bit of Christmas Greenery out, but that's really it.

I don't have any treats.  I toyed with making a gluten-free gingerbread house, but decided it wasn't worth it.

I don't get gifts, which is ok, truly.   All I really want is the big stuff which I end up buying myself, eventually, because my parents dont want to "get me the wrong thing"...  

I'm just enjoying the time off, reading, relaxing...

I will be roasting a duck tomorrow...   so that will be nice.  

Of course there is a part of me that wishes I could share the season with imaginary, sorry, hypothetical, children.

If I had kids, of course we'd have traditions.  

One of those would be making a fruitcake Thanksgiving weekend.

Another would be a live tree, in a pot, which we would plant...

And another would be reading The Father Christmas Letters, by Tolkien.  

As well, of course, as some of my childhood traditions.   Gingerbread men.

Eggnog, family carols, and a fire on Christmas eve.

But this year, its still just me.  And that's ok.

On the tragedy in Newtown

Guns.  We have a society which virtually worships them.   Violent video games, violent, sorry, "action-packed", movies.   Defend ourselves at all costs....

A troubled, by some accounts, developmentally disabled, young man was able to get guns, assault weapons, and kill, not only his mother, but a number of small children.   How have we gone wrong?

Responsible gun owners are not the problem,   I grew up with a grandfather who hunted, and know people who hunt, who respect guns, who respect nature.   The problem is twofold.

We have the NRA which is, unfortunately, not advocating for responsible gun ownership, but is advocating for the gun manufacturers.  MORE GUNS.   MORE PROFIT.  

How a developmentally disabled young man got a gun?  We need tighter laws.   Stronger controls.   They will not stop responsible gun owners, but will prevent needless tragedy.    It could have prevented Columbine, possibly.   If, say, an application for a permit required a psychological examination, and a letter, maybe even references from responsible gun owners.

People will say, "Well the crazy will make fertilizer bombs, or use a knife"...   People have a chance against a knife...  guns kill from a distance.  And after certain events involving fertilizer controls were placed to monitor the sale of large amounts of fertilizer...  why can't we do the same with guns?

We also have no place for the developmentally disabled/troubled folks.   I'm not advocating that they should be all locked away...   but there are many developmentally disabled people who are being cared for by family, parents, siblings, with no chance for an independent life.  The following is just theory, but for all we know the young man in question was angry at his mother, saw the class as rivals, who knows?  

It is heartbreaking, but I am tired of shootings.  I am tired of the glorification of guns.   Lets start cleaning up the gun culture.   Identify all movies/tv shows/etc with guns as R.  Stop giving toy guns that look like guns to children.   You can protect your home without a gun.   Get a dog.   Or two.    Keep a baseball bat on hand.  

Other countries do it.   Why can't we?

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/johncassidy/2012/12/after-the-newtown-shooting-americas-gun-shame.html

The oddities of Facebook.

So, I started on Facebook many moons ago, when the world was new.   And Facebook actually had functional privacy settings, and all that jazz.   But when you are on it, now, you realize what a small place the world actually is.  Because you are occasionally told when people who are friends of your friends, but have another mutual friend in common, comment on your friends statuses.

Yes, I know that sounds convoluted.  But its funny, because I've realised that I have friends who have friends who link back to a part of my past I'd rather forget... the main players of whom I've blocked...

But then comes interacting/unfriending people on Facebook....  I've been in the middle of a messy situation with someone who called himself a friend, but apparently saw me as a patsy....   He's unfriended me, thank God.    But what do I do with some of our mutual friends?  At the moment, I've restricted most of them, but I don't know...I know the ticker can sometimes show activity even on "restriction".     I know some of them are genuine people who are just nice...

I also have a whole bunch of people I became friends with through games, some of whom I've kept, because they are cool and funny...  people like the guy from Mauritius, whose brother apparently worked for Gerald Durrell... (that is so cool).  Now, yes, he could be making it up, but I think its highly unlikely, just because of how the whole thing came out...

But yes, it can be an issue.  I have "work friends" on there, who I know have seem things they are not supposed to see.. (they are supposed to be "custom")...  so the whole thing is basically not private...

I just find the links of who knows whom very funny sometimes...and sometimes it does give me a heads-up....

Good morning!

Ok, so reading back over some of the old posts, I've been a little depressed/overwhelmed.    But I want to put the word out that I am actually a happy camper.   I'm usually pretty upbeat, and get my sunshine back pretty quickly.

So it is a beautiful day, and I'm heading out to the Library for a book sale (yay!) and then the CSA to do my pickup....

And tomorrow...anything goes!

On creating Library Displays...

One of the fun things about my job is creating library displays.   During the summer, it was weekly, but during the rest of the year, it is every three weeks...   it includes both children's and adult displays...  and they are up for a week.

What do displays do?  They actively boost circulation.   They bring books out from the stacks that people don't know we have...   (it also, to me, highlights gaps in the collection...what do you mean we don't have Rapunzel?  Or we only have ONE book on this? ARGH!)

But it also makes you have to be creative.   You don't just take the easy path, sometimes....

You have to think, ok, what are people taking out? What are people asking for?

For instance: people were taking out the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.  It was flying, FLYING off the shelves.

Now, if I'd been over at the Main Library, I would have pulled some sci-fi/fantasy S&M books, well-written, good things.  J. Carey, or S.M. Stirling (yes, that is his name)..   but I was still able to pull a display out, since we had "The sexual adventures of Catherine M" (kind of a modern "story of O"), a book of racy/funny ads, a book about an affair, etc.

What I'll also do is pull out Chase, which is a book that details every single holiday that goes on for each day, if its a big one, such as "Patriots Day", or a small one...  but that often, particularly with adults, gives me an idea....

For instance this week, in adults, I did:

Agatha Christie's birthday
Tolkien Week (which we can supplement with Tolkien-inspired stuff)
Help with Homework--we have some calculus, English, French, etc books on the shelf in non-fic, its a good way to showcase them.    And easy to refill too.
Fast Meals--a parent asked, a couple weeks ago, about recipe books with quick meals...

There was one more, but I'm blanking....

And here is a picture:

Citizenship Day!  Hah!  Right on top.

For Children, I started with Talk Like a Pirate Day, which is coming up this week...
Then went to Princesses, Policemen, and Pies.    And I had Princesses and Pirates for older kids as well...

Some of the more interesting displays I've done are :Hitler and Friends (for adults), since we had a number of interesting biographies and fiction books on Winifred Wagner, Eva Braun, etc...

Timing is important too...about mid-August I did a display on potty training in kids, including a couple of cute tushie books we have...

There are displays I would love to do, but doubt I'd be able to:

A really political display.   This one is because we don't have the balance in our collection.  And I really don't want to keep Ann Coulter's books or Rush Limbaugh's books around.  Ugh. (Sorry Dan)    And our displays, if they are at all political, need to be balanced.

A children's display, for older kids, on growing up and maturing...maybe we could do this in the teen section?   The problem is that a parent would probably complain if it was in the regular section, and we don't get so much of the teen traffic in the fall...  we get our teens in the summer.

I wish I could do a better sci-fi display.  I wish I could showcase some of my favorite fantasy authors...

There are some fallbacks, for doing a display, if you really can't think of anything else:

Color: books of all one color--green for spring or st patrick's day.

Cookbooks: bread and soup for fall/winter

Gardening.  If you do gardening in winter, people go "oooh" because they want color and light and pretty...  you don't put out gardening books in summer, so much...

Actually, I have a picture of the "Shades of Grey" display I did, which was one of the first official ones I did as an "Associate".  My boss did a blog post on it:

http://farmingtonlibctbarney.blogspot.com/2012/06/check-it-out.html

It was "shades of grey", featured author (Elizabeth Berg), kitchen/garden tour, journalists, and DaVinci Code readalikes.

Trying to live an environmentally friendly life...

So, I'd LIKE to dye my hair...   unfortunately, the organic stuff all has wheat in it, and the non-organic has mega-chemicals/toxins in it.  *sigh*  I wonder if I could start making my own, even with some toxins in it, it would be better....

Cleaning the house...  Elbow grease!   Because almost every cleaning product available is toxic.   Things that make cleaning easier...toxic...  time to start making my own, I guess....

Eating:  Gluten-free is usually not organic.   Canned foods contain BPA.   Plastics make everything possible, and are prevalent everywhere, even at my CSA....   and contain BPA and pthalates.  Organic fruits only seem to be available in a small window...

Beauty..chemicals chemicals chemicals...or wheat/gluten.  The only deoderants I've found that work end up being discontinued because they work so well and last so long that people don't buy them fast enough.  


*sigh*


Not to mention gardening, with drift from the neighbors who use pesticides...

*sigh*


Chemicals are so prevalent.  Plastics are prevalent.   But I do use less than the average joe...  

How do you get away from chemicals and plastics?

Things I hate about being single, #2001

Being sick, and not having anyone to send out for OJ.  Or who can bring the mail in, or put gas in the car/air in the tires.   Mow the grass...

In general, I like living alone.  I like my independence.  But every so often, I just wish I had more of a support system.

I have a very small workplace.   I hate being sick because everything piles up....

I get sick and then I get behind on everything.  Bleargh...


And I know men aren't great at taking care of their mates, for the most part.  But it would be nice to have someone who could at least make a cup of tea for me, heat up some soup...

Urgh.

What I would like in a political party.

I would like a candidate I can vote for.   I find Obama's campaign ads to be somewhat tasteless.

I would like a party that believes in strengthening American jobs, that wants to bring small industry back to the States.  So that clothes, cars, all kinds of things, can be made here.  

I would like them to get rid of the lobbyists for Big Food and Big Oil.   Big Oil is so entrenched in our current agricultural system, that when it goes down, it will go down hard....   We need to be able to transition farmers to be able to crow crops without Big Ag.

I would like them to support local, fresher foods.  

I would like to get back to smaller, local farms as well.

I would like to support life, of all kinds.   But also Birth Control and the right to have an abortion.

Marriage for everyone.   And no, not the guinea pigs, that is ridiculous.

I would like to protect our natural resources.   Start using solar power, and wind power.

Give the FDA authority to recall foods, to recall drugs, to have *real*, stringent testing of all these things...

Feeling alone.

I was involved, heavily involved, last year.   I was busy with the local community theatre, I was teaching CCD, I was in choir, doing ceramics...

This year, I have been stabbed in the back, the theatre owes me $500, and I've been pushed out the door.   I'm not able to teach CCD because of increased job responsibilities.  The choir no longer exists.

And I'm depressed.

I keep trying to get out there, put myself out there, and all that happens is that I get slapped down.

I don't have a support system.   I don't have anyone to rely on.  And I'm tired of it.

All I see is looking out to an empty life of just me, alone, growing old alone.


I'm tired of being alone.


I don't fit in.


I'm smart, cute, irreverent, well-read, artistic, loving.

I'm also snarky, sarcastic, frustrated, and like my space.

I'm not a bar-hopper, a drinker.  I'm not stunningly beautiful.

I'm tired.   I'm tired of not fitting in.   I've never fit in...


I've tried many different circles...  I've hung out with the geeks, I've hung out with the Catholics, I've hung out with the atheists.   I've hung out with poly and fen crowds, and theatre folks, and blue-collar folks.  I've hung out with upper-crust types.  I've hung out with folks from different countries.

And yet, still, at age 41, I stick out like a sore thumb.  

I'm a little bit hippie for my town, but not hippie enough for the hippies.  I'm artistic, but not enough for the artists....

I don't play politics.   I am just me.  I express my frustrations.   I'm honest, open, try to get along with people, try to keep my mouth shut when necessary...

I get behind on my house and yard....

I just feel like giving up.   I'm just lonely and overwhelmed.  And feeling friendless.

The bittersweet....

So today was the first day of school in Farmington.  Over the last week, various Facebook friends keep posting pictures of the first day....

and it hurts.   It hurts because I don't think I'm ever going to have that.   It hurts because after 9 years, I'm still alone.  Even though I left the ex so that I could grow, become myself, and maybe have kids, I never met anyone else.

I just wish, wish I didn't feel so alone, so damaged.  My coworkers all have grandkids or kids.  

I see kids come into the library every day, great kids, wonderful kids.... (and bratty kids, noisy kids, obnoxious kids)

But I am so jealous of my friends kids.   Of the fact that they have them, they have that sweetness...

I always thought that my kids would grow up with their cousins...  that they would have a chance to run madly off the dock, or sink the canoe, or play endless games of Life....

But that dream, that hope, is slowly dying, because the guys are not out there anymore, and I'm too scared to be a parent alone.  I keep tossing out that idea, but I keep hoping that maybe, around the next bend, will be the perfect man.

Someone who loves kids, a soulmate.  Someone who loves going to the beach, being silly... someone who is a good partner, a loving, kind, gentle person...

And I know that this mythical guy would, hopefully, accept my hypothetical kids as his own.  But it doesn't stop it hurting.   It doesn't stop me wanting a baby, wanting another human being in my life...

And so its bittersweet.  Because I'm happy for my friends, but at the same time, they don't seem to realise how lucky they are that they have met someone wonderful, and created wonderful kids... who they have the privilege of raising and letting fly free...

Life, the Universe, and Catherine....

So, here we are, updating after too many months in the dark....   I got a promotion at work, but got stabbed in the back at the theatre...so I guess life balances out...  On the good side, with spending less time at the theatre, my house is starting to get clean...   which is a bit of a surreal feeling.  Now I should just hire a painter, plumber, get the outside spiffed up, and some color on the inside before winter...  White is a depressing color.

The only difficulty with trying to hire someone is my aforementioned promotion.   I am 9-5 Monday through Thursday, and then weekends have been trying to catch up with family.

And I miss the Farmer's market.  I miss fresh, local fruit.  

Boy, I have a boring life, no wonder I slacked off on the blogging.   No cute date stories, no cute kid stories, no cute pet stories...  I'm surprised my one follower hasn't gone to sleep yet...

I do have frustrations.  I don't want to vote for either candidate in the coming election.   icky icky icky.  I don't like the Obama campaign things I keep seeing popping up...its crude "Join Michelle and tell Barack you're in"?  eeeeeeeew.   But I like Obama better than Romney.   I'm not fond of what I'm hearing about Ryan either, although, to give him credit, he is politicking what he actually believes, as opposed to what the masses are perceived to want.

But we NEED a better system.   Its better than what is going on in Egypt right now.  Its better than what a lot of countries have, but maybe we need three parties, not two.     We need big business OUT of government, we need big ag out of government, so that maybe choices could be made that would benefit the small farmer.  If we just eliminated lobbyists or have people abstain from voting on an issue if they are in bed with a business affected by the issue...  

I just don't know, I wish I did.  

When I get called at work by someone who wants to know who I'm voting for?  That is inappropriate.

I just want to go spend a week on a beach somewhere, drinking mai tais....

I just feel perpetually behind these days...  scrambling to catch up...

aaaaauuuugggghhhhh

The Middle Ground.

So, I am not a radical.  I'm not a radical feminist, I'm NOT a radical Catholic.  I'm not even a rabid environmentalist.    I believe very strongly in the middle ground.    Except when it comes to assumptions.   I try not to assume anything about anyone.     Passionate?  Yes I'm passionate.  I think the big chemical companies have gone overboard, that we have to know what goes into our food and our bodies...   I believe in God, but I don't think you have to believe in God to be a moral human being.   But you do have to respect the beliefs of others.   I wish people would start raising their kids again...  there has been this overload of naughty children at work these days...

Yes, I know, I sound like a crotchety old lady.  

Things I am happy about?  CT got rid of the death penalty.    yay!   My house is staying slightly cleaner on a day-to-day basis...  (no, I'm not a hoarder, but sometimes feel as if I play one on TV)...   I'm caught up on all my bills...  (I think).   And will hopefully be able to mow the grass this afternoon.  

But back to the middle ground... there is so much of the time when it doesn't feel as if there is a middle ground, even though it is where I stand.    Its either WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, or RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
(and please excuse any odd formatting things, trying to figure out the new Blogger)  This is true in politics, in everything....

Pissed Off! Irate! Annoyed.

So I went to get my mail.   And in the box was a lovely thing from the "Council for Secular Humanism" offering me a subscription for the low low price of $25.   First of all, where did they get my name from?   And its basically "hate mail" against religion.  These people seem to feel that they have to convert everyone to their lack of religion.  Now, maybe they grew up in ultra-orthodox households, or maybe they grew up being fed the belief that religion is the opiate of the masses, and that anyone who believes in God is not an educated thinking person....  

The problem is not their lack of belief, that is fine, live and let live.  The problem is that they want me to believe that my faith is wrong, and they are right.  It is not a free inquiry unless you open yourself up to the possibility that maybe faith is right....  but being religious does not mean you don't also accept science.  The Catholic Church accepts evolution, after all.  

And they have an "Islam watch"?   ACK!  

Thoughts on Children's TV.

More specifically, Catholic children's tv shows.   I am horrified.  One show seems to have a bagel/doughnut (not sure which, honestly) in a box, with a slightly creepy guy who is the human host.  And they were singing a lovely little song about O-B-E-Y.   *shudder*

The next one was EVEN worse.   Puppets.  But not just any puppets.  Nun puppets, sacristan puppet, Father puppet, interacting with child puppets.   The puppets were not even synched with mouths moving for speech.  The "Sacristan" was shown as dumb, and the other puppets laughed at him.  THIS is a Catholic children's show?

Or else we have the real nun, who is syrupy sweet and showing the angelic little darlings how to look things up in the catechism.

Ok.  First of all, get some folks from Sesame Street conceptualizing the shows.   Have a little acid in with the sweet...  kids these days are very savvy in many ways.   Have a show with an I-pad that talks to God or something.