What did you expect?

My friend Patrice posted this a while back, on her blog (Update the blog, Patrice! Tell us about Argentina!), and this morning, as I realise I am approaching my 40th birthday emotionally, its resonating with me a little bit.

I was supposed to be in New York with my parents this morning, but that did not happen (illness on my part).

I never thought I would still be single, living on my own, in my own house. I always thought I'd have some kind of interesting career, but it feels as if my life stopped being interesting in my mid-twenties, in some ways. I always thought I'd make a difference, change people's lives, in a good way.

I look around me and wonder where the kids are that I wanted... where the supportive partner is. I wonder why I am always drawn in by guys who seem to have their own agendas, and then drop me. I don't want a married guy, I don't want a lunatic. I would rather, at this point, have a divorced guy who has learned from his relationship issues....

I thought I'd be thin.

I do tend to have this idealized life of what my life should be...even here, I look around and think 'well, once I get the walls painted, the garden done, the kitchen redone...' or that I'm going up to MA every weekend, (except that conflicts with church and the farmers markets). I'm going to go to a sperm bank and get sperm and have a kid on my own... (except that does scare me too.. I can't quite seem to let go of the hope that I'm going to have a partner to share in all this).

I want something in a relationship that neither my parents nor my other relatives (of that generation) had. Sharing. Equality. We both being responsible, individual people. I don't want to get sucked into a relationship that causes me to ignore my friends, my life... I want us to each have our own lives and intersect. And intersect on the child raising, both being responsible for it. I've seen it happen. I know it exists. But finding it? I wish I knew.

Basically, although some things could be better in my life (cast me in a role, please! Someone!) I am pretty happy with my life. Things just keep getting better and better. No, I don't have a high powered career or a full-time job. But I make beautiful art. And I am a beautiful person inside, minus some of the insecurity.....