Sometimes it is hard... or who I am now...

When the person whom you would have described as your best friend has taken your actions out of context.  Yes, I am single, yes, I miss being in a relationship, yes, I would have liked to have kids.  But you are, and have always been, a friend.  Platonic.  I respect you, but I do not appreciate being told "oh you shouldn't believe that".  Unfortunately, there is skew on BOTH sides.  We used to be able to agree to disagree...  and I don't know when you stopped respecting me.

When I wear a bikini or a bathingsuit, it is because it is something I am comfortable in, not to shock you or entice you...  hell, I may end up wearing a bikini when I am 90, if I live that long.  Yes, I know I'm fat.  But I also know that I like the way I look in more fitted things, I still have a cute hourglass shape.

You need to respect the fact that I am comfortable in a bikini.  That I am comfortable with who I am, for the most part.

I've fallen away from the Church, even though I think the new Pope is going to be great for the Church, to get the church onto a more modest, humble, stable footing.  I just can't take the judgementalism.   I do not judge people, and they always have a chance to make right.  If a former friend whom I lent money to was to come to my doorstep with a check, apologize, pay me back.   Or even just apologize.  I would forgive him.
(I wouldn't lend him money again, but I would forgive him)

When you have to put things together by yourself.  Evidence? The half-put-together hammock stand in the back yard.

when everything you do, you end up doing alone.  Trying to get a plumber, buy a car, get the car serviced...  unfortunately, it is still a pretty sexist world out there.

I don't have any kind of network or support system...  I don't fit in with the sci-fi geeks, with the poly crowd, with the theater crowd.  I don't fit in with the Catholics, or the Atheists.  I'm a mutt.  I'm a bit of a hippie, too liberal for the Republicans, but a little too conservative, in some ways, for the liberals.

I applaud some of what Amanda Palmer does for body image, I think it is right that women are coming out and talking about health and body acceptance at every size.

I think if we are going to see sex on tv, we should have pickle shots as well as the ubiquitous boob shots.  But I also think that tv has been flattened, for the most part, to the lowest common denominator (as, I suspect, has also happened to books, with the self-publishing trend).

Currently, my self-image is a little in the toilet, and I am lonely.  I just seem to be stuck right now, because everything I do (as evidenced by my current case of poison sumac all over my body) ends up sending me two steps back for every step forward.  I just need a friend, I need help.  And I can't ask anyone in my family for help (nor do I really want family help, to be honest, but that is a whole other post)

And that is what is hard.  I know a lot of people to say hi to, to talk with, superficially.  But I don't have anyone, male or female, in my life who will call me and want to go for a drink.  Or to go for a walk.  Or go to a movie.

This is not just depression, although there is some of that.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things I am grateful for.  I am grateful to not have to work.  I am grateful for a roof over my head, and even my garden, poison sumac and all.  I am grateful for the friends I do have, and for the people who get mad on my behalf when certain people start behaving stupidly.

I'm grateful for good books, for chocolate, for the farmer's market, for my CSA.  I know should anything actually happen, family members would show up...  and be supportive.

(I'm grateful that I got to enjoy a little bit of my rosebush and peonies amidst the deluge, and that my roses seem to be blooming this year!)

Things I need to make happen:

Plumber.
Paint the house.
Plumber.
Repoint the chimney
Clean gutters
Plumber.
Put in stone paths in the yard, and stone patio in back.
Utility sink in basement...  drain in basement...
Studio in basement.
Plumber.

Anyone know of a good plumber?  

Inspired by Amanda Palmer.

So, I went on Twitter this morning, to see that Amanda Palmer had a whole wave of people tweeting pics to her of so-called problem areas of their bodies.  With the hashtag photoshop this.

I am fat.  Yes. I am beautiful, but I am also fat.   I will never, ever, ever be skinny.   (Sorry Mom).

I am also strong, Relatively healthy, and I can do a lot with my body.  

Yes, I have stretch marks.   No, I don't shave/pluck/primp all the time, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I'll wear makeup, nail polish, high heels...  other times, not so much.

I do wear bikinis on the beach.   I do wear clothes that fit, because, yes, even though I'm fat, I have an hourglass figure.  I have hips, a waist, boobs.  I do have a nice shape.

I don't wear baggy, floaty clothes.  

My skin is starting to lose elasticity...  I'm going to rock the tank tops, the cleavage, etc while I still can.

Because I am beautiful.  And in my heart, I believe it.   And we have to show other women that they are still beautiful, even if they aren't fashion-model-skinny.