Fears.

I'm so tired of being afraid. Afraid to get things done on my house. Afraid of biting the bullet and adopting or having a kid alone.

And I'm TIRED of being alone. Just tired of feeling that I have to watch out or I'll be taken advantage of. Tired of feeling like every time I let my guard down I get smacked upside the head.

(When the contractor and the architect came over, they apparently found the door from the garage to the kitchen standing wide open. I KNOW that was not me. And yes, I am creeped out. I was upstairs, asleep.) The thing is, part of me wonders why they'd opened the garage (they said the garage door was closed) and wonders if they'd opened it to try to get my attention. Which makes me wonder how far I can trust them.

I get TIRED of people making assumptions. I get tired of feeling like I am on a treadmill to nowhere, and I'm tired of feeling used. I feel unappreciated and alone. And I just feel as if my life is a waste. A waste of time, of money...

(sorry, its just one of those days. Just feeling so alone, but I'm not going to be with someone just for the sake of being with anyone, that doesn't work either).

I give up.