Homeownership fun!

So, I like being a homeowner. Even though the previous owner did things in a half-assed way. And they are slowly coming to light, and being fixed. And even though Michael wants to track him down and smack him.

But its nice to get work done on the house, to paint, to contemplate updating the kitchen, to get some color on the walls... To be able to do the backyard in fun plants and slowly transform it.

I wish there were greener options in Farmington, though. I would love there to be a green lawn service that would compost... and use electric mowers (or if I could rent sheep...I really want to be able to rent sheep!) Wouldn't it be fun if one could get a neighborhood herd of sheep? Have them graze the lawns of the whole neighborhood?

I'm glad that more companies are doing environmentally friendly products, too.

What is friendship?

Friendship is loyalty. Friendship is caring about another person's wellbeing. Friendship is giving and accepting. Friendship is knowing that someone may not be exactly like you, may not like the same games and things, but that you get along well, that you have a connection. Friendship is supporting your friend.

Friendship is forgiveness. Friendship is love. I have a couple of great friends. I've also lost a friend, and I'm grieving that. (He's not dead, we broke up).

I really wish we could talk, but he is feeling stressed. I'm trying to give him space so that maybe we can still be friends... but I miss him. I miss chatting with him on Facebook, I miss being able to get something to eat with him, I miss having someone who would always run out when it was time to shop...

I don't miss being nervous that he thought I was a snob... I don't miss his TMI moments, and I don't miss trying to reassure him that he would find a job. I don't miss feeling like he didn't trust me at times. I only told two things that he ever told me, and the first was before I knew him well. He told me he was looking for a job, and I shared that with another friend. And the other thing was something I was so horrified by, I told other people, because I thought he needed to hear reassurance that he didn't 'destroy the choir' from other people, not just me, because I didn't feel like my reassurance was getting through.

I know I screwed up a couple of times. And maybe I should have continued to go to Morning Mass. And maybe I should have sat with him at the catechists dinner... the morning Mass thing was because I didn't want to hear Father Flynn being negative about Doug on Mondays, or hear the ladies parroting his latest opinions.. I didn't want to be put in the role of intermediary. And then we became friends, and I REALLY didn't want to get put in the middle. And I didn't want gossip either. I didn't want people assuming there was more going on than just friendship, than just hanging out. So I tried to keep things a little separate.

And maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. Because supposedly 'everyone' was telling him not to go out with me. Why? I wish I knew. Because of gossip? Because I'm not the traditional Farmington homeowner? Because I'm not Martha Stewart? Because I'm not a good little through-and-through Catholic who has *gasp* lived with a man? Because I think women deserve a stronger role in the church? Because I hate the church's stance on some things?

I have friends. I have friends who are very different from me. I have polyamorous friends. I have gay friends, I have actor friends, musician friends, teacher friends. I have friends from college. I have friends who are pagan and friends who are Catholic. I have friends who are Muslim..... I have friends all over the world.

I just wish losing this one friend didn't hurt so much...

Damn Endo! Out, Out! (a vent about endo and my life)

I hate having endometriosis. Hate. With the White-hot-passion-of-a-thousand-suns HATE. It saps my energy, i get cramping, sex is no fun... and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never have kids. Because the chances are that I am infertile. And that sucks.

Going gluten-free has helped, but apparently not enough. Because the endo is getting worse again. Stress doesn't help either, and I have buckets of that. A former friend hates me, and that stresses me out. I just wish I could make things right. I don't use the cell phone constantly and didn't realise it was off. It was a missed connection, literally!

But when I am stressed, I stress eat. Which doesn't help either.

I feel alone. I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know people care about me, but I really don't want to get needy all over people... and I feel guilty for unloading on the few people I can..

I try to :Always Look on the Bright Side of Life but it can be tough. I just feel so alone.

Yes, I have many things other people would envy. I have a lovely home. I have a second place by a beautiful Lake. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

I don't have anyone to share it with. I try to have parties, and no-one comes. I try to do fun things, no-one comes. I have an odd background, and an odd family. (I love my family to death, but there is no question where my sarcastic sense of humour came from) I don't feel, even at age 40, that I belong anywhere.

My job has become more of a source of frustration than a challenge... I need to be able to grow, and am feeling stifled these days... and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better for myself.

I know I've tried things in the past that didn't work for me...Sleeping around didn't work, neither did the poly community (although that was in part the men I dated at the time). I'm not a traditional 'Farmington' person though. I'm not buttoned-up, repressed, demure, etc. I'm not 9-to-five. I give my all. I throw myself into projects...people... I'm enthusiastic, I try to learn from my mistakes, but then I go the other way.. It just seems that even in this day and age, people can't appreciate someone who is truly giving and loyal... if you have been my friend, ever, I will stick with you. And that works to my detriment.

I just wish I could share some of my amazing life with people who care about me. And I wish that life wasn't so damn superficial.

The Farmington Garden Tour...

Wow. This was inspiring! I wish I could have taken pictures of the kitchens...there were so many wonderful ideas! One kitchen had glass-fronted cabinets in front of the windows! How cool is that? Another, older, home had taken an old fireplace/brick oven and turned it into a desk area! There was a house with a dishwasher/sink nook tucked away, and the stove was facing out, towards the garden... I just have to find a wonderful stove now, so I can redo my house, make the bathroom back into a pantry (more of a 'butler's pantry', with a big sink in there for plants, etc)

And the gardens! I did get some ideas for what I want to do with mine... particularly from one house... and those I was able to take pictures of! Now I just need to upload them.....

I did end up getting drenched, and having to squish home and change...

Food, Health, and the environment...

As those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know, or who know me in Real Life, know that what we have done to our food supply is an increasing concern with me. I read a lot of blogs, and there is a lot of information on either side. There are 'studies' funded by the corporations and big agribusiness, and there are legitimate studies. Then the people in our government who are supposed to help keep us safe are also seemingly on the boards of some of these companies...can we say conflict of interest?

I read yesterday of a case where two dairy farms went out of business because of what they were putting on the soil, , and then this morning of .

It worries me. We have the technology for safe food, and for safe raw milk. But we get neither, because we have gone to big agribusiness... And there isn't a good control when things get so large. We end up with too much poop, too many bacteria, stronger bacteria, mold, and icky stuff. With pesticides and growth hormones on everything. And we have pills in the water, fumes in the air, and chemicals in our water. People become scared to eat salads or have lettuce on their sandwiches, so we get fatter, because the only things that are safe to eat are cooked to death. And it becomes a vicious cycle, because our bodies are less and less able to cope with bugs... and you can't eat this, you can't eat that... and the more crap we eat, the more crap we poop, the more junk gets into our environment...

And you know, this is why I buy from the farmer's market. This is why I buy raw milk in the summer from the farmer. Because at least this way I know where it comes from. I know its not coming from a huge conglomerate, that it hasn't been trucked around in the hot sun in a metal tank... I know its been picked fresh, and that if the eggs have a little poop on them, it can be washed off... but they haven't been sitting around for ages. They are fresh. And the poop at least is going back into the soil in a nurturing way, environmentally.... the way its supposed to. The raw milk folks run out of milk. Because the cows and sheep only produce a certain amount, and its not being artificially extended.

But we have the technology, the ability, to have safe food. I don't believe all the hype about raw milk, but I do think that it does lose nutrients being trucked around, or coming from unhealthy animals... and you can taste the difference.