What we need to talk about when we talk about shootings.

Do we need to talk about this guy and his rampant misogyny?  Yes.  But we need to talk about more.

Do we need to talk about the role of guns in this culture and society?  Yes.  But we need to talk about more.

We need to STOP this culture of celebrity.  Where there is a flurry of activity and "another shooting! Ban the guns!", and plastering his videos over youtube and the Internet.

We need to treat every mass shooting as a terrorist event.

We need to do a better job of tracking psychopaths.   The evidence is always there, after the fact.

We need to track stockpiling guns, stockpiling ammo.

I read a comment from a doctor on one of the articles I read, where she had been treating an elderly dementia patient, who could no longer drive, yet still had a concealed carry permit.  Maybe we need to have recertification tests.  If you wish to have a permit, you have to pass an interview,

If someone is seeing a battery of therapists, maybe you revoke his carry and lock up the guns?

I just feel that we need better options, altogether.  

We need to talk about the idiots who "open carry" rifles/etc into Chipotle and such, saying "look at my big gun, haha".

If someone posts a video with stupid gun behavior, then they should have to explain that and go for training on how not to use a gun.

We are having a conversation on #yesallwomen, and even #yesallBiblicalwomen, which is something that has needed to happen for a long time.   We live in a culture, a world, where women are sexually objectified.  Most men don't realize how much.    And the women in the Bible are mostly referred to by omission, by afterthought, or as vessels.   The good and virtuous man who saw a woman bathing, had her husband killed, and then brought her to his home and raped her.  Or the omission of Mary Magdalene.  A priest was commenting on the radio that only one of Jesus's followers came to the Crucifixion.   I believe Mary Magdalene was there, as well.  And she was the first one Jesus showed Himself to.  And yet...  she is not considered one of the Apostles, because she is a woman.

I do think we need more checks and balances.  There was an article that said that Elliot Rodger was a misogynist because he was a killer, not vice versa.  And that Adam Lanza loved guns because he was a killer.  But I think that is too simplistic.  

These are complex things, and only by driving at the root, and being more aware, can we fight this.  We have to stand up to the stupid, to the scary.  Gun owners need to insist that people not behave stupidly.  Just because you are responsible, doesn't mean that someone else will behave responsibly.  And thus, to behave responsibly, call out the irresponsibility.  

Call out someone when they are behaving chauvinistically.  People say "Well, the crazy people are going to get guns".  Well, why not put laws in place to stop that?  Adam Lanza was apparently stopped from buying a gun by those gun laws.   But why didn't this carry over and create an alert that there was a potential problem?  If there had been some kind of follow-up, perhaps a shooting could have been avoided.

If Elliot Rodger had had some kind of follow-up, maybe that would have been prevented.  

The trouble with "self-help medical" books....

Ok.  I'm an intelligent woman.  I'm also a woman with endometriosis, who is gluten-free.  

I went gluten-free because of one of these self-help books on endometriosis.   The problem with the book was that it had conflicting information.   It would say "do this" and then a couple paragraphs later, "do the opposite".  It did say that the majority of women with endo have trouble with wheat, dairy, or both.   I figured it wouldn't hurt to try an elimination diet.   Cut both out, completely, for about a month, maybe a bit longer.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I bought a tub of ice cream.  No issues.  Went back on the diet.  Tried introducing wheat back in.  Problems.

Of course, what I didn't realize was that going gluten-free would not enable me to be tested for celiac.  Because you have to be eating gluten, and every time I've eaten gluten, it kills me. (and this has happened accidentally enough times that I know it isn't the power of positive thinking)

But recently I read Jennifer's Way.  Which was a decent book in as far as it went, but then, in the last few sections, she started talking medical/diet/etc.  And there, the book started venturing into "mystical medicine" territory.  

This happens with celiac and endo really often, because neither condition is well supported medically.   People come up with their own tricks, which work for them, but they aren't necessarily supported by science.

Take the thing which devalued Jennifer's Way, for me.  This was the idea that you can change the PH of your body by what you eat or drink.   Um, really, no.   And I'm not sure that powdered or liquid vitamins are any more easily absorbed than the horse pills, because horse pills do break down in your stomach.

With endo, there is a little bit of the same thing.   Endo is medicated in a way that basically goes back to Victorian thinking.  HORMONES!    Which only worked for me if I was on them, and I've had doctors say horrible sexist things to me.  Just ugh.  And with endo, as with celiac, it takes a while to diagnose, and can really only be confirmed with surgical/invasive diagnostics.  

Both are treated somewhat cavalierly by doctors.  I was told by one, well, we'll do a blood test to see if you are celiac.  I was appalled.  You can't tell!  I'd have to be eating gluten, and there is no way I will do that!

So is it any wonder that people come up with their own routines?  With a little bit of magical thinking?

But the problem is when the magical thinking gets shared as fact.  In otherwise well-written books.  In otherwise factual books.  I just wish they would call it the "mystical medicine" section.  We could have the: facts about the disease section, and then the "magic remedy" section, of what worked for me, but doesn't actually make a lot of sense when you think about it.

Even feminists need help sometimes.

So, the trope is that feminists don't need anyone, and never need help, and sisters can do it for themselves...

But sometimes, it is ok to ask for help.  I know right now, I am feeling stuck.  I'm not feeling strong, capable, etc.   I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

So I asked a friend for help.  I said "I could really use your company when I go car shopping, I don't want to go in there alone".  He said no.  That I'm a feminist and I don't need a "big strong man" to help me, and that I will feel better if I do it myself.

Even feminists need moral support.

Even feminists need someone to go car shopping with.

And I'd rather go car shopping now, rather than when the car breaks down.

But frankly, I'm intimidated.

I stink at bargaining.  My sister is the Khan el-Khalili expert in the family.

And the problem is, lack of confidence snowballs.


Yes, I have a lot to do.  But I am feeling so frustrated, and so stuck, nothing is getting done.

And it is easier when you have support.  When you have friends who are there for you.

When you have backup.


I am just so frustrated.  I have not, at age 43, found my place yet.  I'm a little nerdy, a little geeky, but I don't fit in with the fen.  I'm artsy, but don't have the talent to create real art.

I'm bookish.  I cook. I'm feminist.  I'm angry at the huge divides I see in our country.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of being frustrated, of being stuck, of being lonely.

I'm tired of constantly feeling alien, of feeling "other".

I need a little help from my friends, guys.

Because even though I'm feminist, the world is still patriarchal.

The problems with plastics and replacements

Yes, plastic can be wonderful.  But.  It does not degrade easily.  We have tons of it in the oceans, in landfills, everywhere.   Everything is wrapped in plastic, has plastic elements, and only a small portion is recycled. (and even that recycling is sent to CHINA to be recycled.  Really?)  And it is downcycled.  

So.  Plastic is made from oil.   Black gold.

Oh!  We have lots of corn!  Lets make plastic out of corn!   Waittaminute, kiddo.   How is corn grown?  (hint, black gold)

I've read that it costs more in oil to make biofuels from corn, and plastics from corn (because of the oil used in growing the corn) than it would just be to use the oil itself.

This morning I read about a fabulous new project, making bioplastic out of shrimp shells.  Which is actually a really good idea, except....

how are the shrimp raised?   Are they raised in one of these awful farms?   It is and it isn't helping solve the problem.  Because those shrimp farms are horrible for the environment in their own way.  

So you are still just exchanging one problem for another.

Do we need to do something?  Yes.

We need to clean up our act worldwide.

We need to cut down on our use of plastics in everything/for everything.

We need to find ways to recycle.

We need to cut down on our use of oil.

So yes, keep looking for bioplastics and biofuels, but also look at where the material is coming from.  Is it an abundant material because it comes from a fish farm?  Or an oil-heavy industry?

We need options.  We need more glass, stainless, etc.

We need more wooden toys for our kids.

We need options for the vegans, who don't want to wear leather.  "Vegan leather" is plastic (and one of the more toxic varieties, too).  

How much throwaway plastic will be generated this Mother's Day?  For each holiday, I see more and more plastic...  piles and piles and piles.

And we need to stop.  Stop buying the plastic.  The cellophane.  Buy a nice wicker basket.    Put some moss in it, with some flowers..  (and yes, the moss and the flowers will probably come in plastic...)

The plastic use has got to stop somewhere.  And it stops with each of us.  As we decide to use a reuseable container instead of a throwaway ziplock.

Why I do not have a problem with "Checking My Privilege".

I have privilege.  I'm not going to say I don't.  I look white and identify as such.   I am also Egyptian, and have experienced some things as a result of that.  Exoticism, for one.  Egyptian women are supposed to be mysterious, exotic creatures, in harem pants, smelling of exotic spices.

Yeah, right.   Leggings and soap here, people.

I'm pretty sure I'm on a list somewhere...  about a month after 9/11 I got the most detailed jury questionnaire that I have ever gotten.   Asking things that, really, they were not supposed to ask.   I wish I'd kept a copy as proof.   Things like what my religion was, etc.  And I remember commenting to my ex, as I filled it out, that they were checking up on the Arabs.

I later found out that my mother and sister, both with an addy in NYC, had also received something similar around that same time.

Anyway, to get back to the question of checking one's privilege.

To me, it does not mean that someone is accusing you of being descended from slaveowners.   Or that you've never experienced discrimination, or poverty, or hardship.

To me, it means, "stop and think about what you are saying".  It does not mean that your world-view is not valid.  It means that, here in the States, the easiest position is that of straight, white male.

You take two people with the exact same experience.  A middle-class upbringing.  Make one black, one white.  The white person has an automatic advantage in this society.  That is fact.

There is also intersectionality.   That means that there are different layers and types of privilege, and different people can be privileged in different ways.

To me, what people are saying when they say "check your privilege" is "you are not listening to what I am saying", basically.   They are asking you to listen to their lived experiences, and not diminish them by saying "that's not true" when you are, essentially, at the top of the pecking order.

I have been aware of being aware of the presence of black youths walking on the street.  And I hate that I have crossed the street on occasion.  Because I have read accounts of how much that hurts when people do it.

Awareness is part and parcel of checking my privilege.  Being aware of what I do, and how I react.  Even within the context of writing this post, I checked "wait, what am I saying, is there a better way to say this?".  When I wrote the phrase "pecking order", it was a replacement for another phrase.  

Checking privilege is just about being aware, being sensitive, and listening.  Which a lot of people don't seem to do anymore.  Be empathic, and compassionate, without being pitying or condescending.  It is about trying to make sure many people are heard, many narratives are heard.

And it is why I am friends with people of all stripes, all nationalities.  Because I want to hear their narratives.  (That being said, though, I am saddened at how much frustration and anger there is on both sides, left and right, gay and straight)  I wish we could find more things in common.