Damn Endo! Out, Out! (a vent about endo and my life)

I hate having endometriosis. Hate. With the White-hot-passion-of-a-thousand-suns HATE. It saps my energy, i get cramping, sex is no fun... and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never have kids. Because the chances are that I am infertile. And that sucks.

Going gluten-free has helped, but apparently not enough. Because the endo is getting worse again. Stress doesn't help either, and I have buckets of that. A former friend hates me, and that stresses me out. I just wish I could make things right. I don't use the cell phone constantly and didn't realise it was off. It was a missed connection, literally!

But when I am stressed, I stress eat. Which doesn't help either.

I feel alone. I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know people care about me, but I really don't want to get needy all over people... and I feel guilty for unloading on the few people I can..

I try to :Always Look on the Bright Side of Life but it can be tough. I just feel so alone.

Yes, I have many things other people would envy. I have a lovely home. I have a second place by a beautiful Lake. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

I don't have anyone to share it with. I try to have parties, and no-one comes. I try to do fun things, no-one comes. I have an odd background, and an odd family. (I love my family to death, but there is no question where my sarcastic sense of humour came from) I don't feel, even at age 40, that I belong anywhere.

My job has become more of a source of frustration than a challenge... I need to be able to grow, and am feeling stifled these days... and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better for myself.

I know I've tried things in the past that didn't work for me...Sleeping around didn't work, neither did the poly community (although that was in part the men I dated at the time). I'm not a traditional 'Farmington' person though. I'm not buttoned-up, repressed, demure, etc. I'm not 9-to-five. I give my all. I throw myself into projects...people... I'm enthusiastic, I try to learn from my mistakes, but then I go the other way.. It just seems that even in this day and age, people can't appreciate someone who is truly giving and loyal... if you have been my friend, ever, I will stick with you. And that works to my detriment.

I just wish I could share some of my amazing life with people who care about me. And I wish that life wasn't so damn superficial.