On turning 44. Or "Alone and doomed to be so forever" reflections on a life badly lived.

So, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of not having a support system.  I'm tired of not having a network.  Yes, I have things.  But I am just sick to death of stuff.  I don't want more stuff, I don't even want any more "imaginary" Internet friends.

I want real friends.  People I can call when my car breaks down.  People who will come along and offer moral support for buying a new car.

Yes, my house is clean.  Yes, I am starting to lose weight again.

I have had no luck dating.

I haven't had much luck making friends.

I never have.

I went to boarding school a year too late to really connect with people.  I came in in my Junior year, and everyone had their friends.

Then I was uncomfortable around people in college.  I was always a little bit of a loner...  and never really dated anyone in college...

And  then I got into a bad situation, I found a nice place to live as a result, but even there, never really made friends.  Some dating, but not very much of that, either.  

And then my second big disaster of a relationship.

Ended.

After five years.  Cohabitating for most of them.  He was a hoarder.  His mother was also a hoarder.  That kind of thing rubs off...


12 years later, still single.  CRAPPY dating record.  Just no idea how to meet someone in the modern world. Yes, I have money.  I don't need to work.  However, I also do not go out and buy every overpriced bauble that appeals.   I watch my money.   I'm not a Koch or a Walton.

I just want to find someone who sees me, not dollar signs, or a spoiled, entitled brat.  

I never even managed to have kids.  I'm just alone.  Completely and utterly.  

Yes, this post is a little self-absorbed and whiny.   I know, and I apologize.  But it is just so easy to feel alone.

And damnit, I miss hugs.

I don't know how to fix this.