The bittersweet....

So today was the first day of school in Farmington.  Over the last week, various Facebook friends keep posting pictures of the first day....

and it hurts.   It hurts because I don't think I'm ever going to have that.   It hurts because after 9 years, I'm still alone.  Even though I left the ex so that I could grow, become myself, and maybe have kids, I never met anyone else.

I just wish, wish I didn't feel so alone, so damaged.  My coworkers all have grandkids or kids.  

I see kids come into the library every day, great kids, wonderful kids.... (and bratty kids, noisy kids, obnoxious kids)

But I am so jealous of my friends kids.   Of the fact that they have them, they have that sweetness...

I always thought that my kids would grow up with their cousins...  that they would have a chance to run madly off the dock, or sink the canoe, or play endless games of Life....

But that dream, that hope, is slowly dying, because the guys are not out there anymore, and I'm too scared to be a parent alone.  I keep tossing out that idea, but I keep hoping that maybe, around the next bend, will be the perfect man.

Someone who loves kids, a soulmate.  Someone who loves going to the beach, being silly... someone who is a good partner, a loving, kind, gentle person...

And I know that this mythical guy would, hopefully, accept my hypothetical kids as his own.  But it doesn't stop it hurting.   It doesn't stop me wanting a baby, wanting another human being in my life...

And so its bittersweet.  Because I'm happy for my friends, but at the same time, they don't seem to realise how lucky they are that they have met someone wonderful, and created wonderful kids... who they have the privilege of raising and letting fly free...