What did you expect?

My friend Patrice posted this a while back, on her blog (Update the blog, Patrice! Tell us about Argentina!), and this morning, as I realise I am approaching my 40th birthday emotionally, its resonating with me a little bit.

I was supposed to be in New York with my parents this morning, but that did not happen (illness on my part).

I never thought I would still be single, living on my own, in my own house. I always thought I'd have some kind of interesting career, but it feels as if my life stopped being interesting in my mid-twenties, in some ways. I always thought I'd make a difference, change people's lives, in a good way.

I look around me and wonder where the kids are that I wanted... where the supportive partner is. I wonder why I am always drawn in by guys who seem to have their own agendas, and then drop me. I don't want a married guy, I don't want a lunatic. I would rather, at this point, have a divorced guy who has learned from his relationship issues....

I thought I'd be thin.

I do tend to have this idealized life of what my life should be...even here, I look around and think 'well, once I get the walls painted, the garden done, the kitchen redone...' or that I'm going up to MA every weekend, (except that conflicts with church and the farmers markets). I'm going to go to a sperm bank and get sperm and have a kid on my own... (except that does scare me too.. I can't quite seem to let go of the hope that I'm going to have a partner to share in all this).

I want something in a relationship that neither my parents nor my other relatives (of that generation) had. Sharing. Equality. We both being responsible, individual people. I don't want to get sucked into a relationship that causes me to ignore my friends, my life... I want us to each have our own lives and intersect. And intersect on the child raising, both being responsible for it. I've seen it happen. I know it exists. But finding it? I wish I knew.

Basically, although some things could be better in my life (cast me in a role, please! Someone!) I am pretty happy with my life. Things just keep getting better and better. No, I don't have a high powered career or a full-time job. But I make beautiful art. And I am a beautiful person inside, minus some of the insecurity.....

Integration, healing: thoughts on women's rights, empowerment, and saying stupid things.

Ok, so this post was prompted by watching the news and being told that Sarah Palin had said something stupid. She had apparently tweeted that there should not be a mosque built near Ground Zero in the interests of healing. That's not really the stupid thing, that is her opinion. The thing that made her look stupid was the made-up word, 'refudiate' which the media made a big thing of. Now, maybe it was a simple thing where she did it on her cell, and didn't catch the right letter.... who knows? (my cell tries to do similar things to me...if I let it, it would make all kinds of nonsense sentences).


The thing is, though, we need healing. The mosque really isn't at Ground Zero. And comparing moderate, normal Islam to the extremists who hit the Trade Center is like comparing a splintery plank bench to a down sofa. They are both things you can sit on, but that's it. (enough people have made the comparison with Christian extremists, or cultists of various degrees) Most Muslims are people who want peace. Who want to be able to worship God in their own way, following in the footsteps of Mohammed. And it would be wonderful to have a symbol of peace and healing next to the site that was caused by extremists. Yes, its frightening to see what extremism can do, but isn't the reaction of folks who don't want the mosque extremist in their own way?

We seem to be splintering our society more and more, and I'm not sure why, or how we can fix it. I was reading a book on motherhood, and in it was an essay by a black mother saying that essentially she participates in reverse discrimination, to a degree, in that there is a program called 'Jack and Jill' which is for black children, to make them aware of who they are and their heritage. In it, she admits that a lot of black parents apparently have problems with their kids dating white kids (there's a lot more to the essay, but that struck me...). I just don't know where the line gets drawn. Integration is only ok to a point?

Its the whole thing with women's rights too. There's still a double standard somehow. To get back to Sarah Palin, she ran Alaska for a while. She obviously must have been capable to some degree. But then she needed a makeover because she wasn't classy enough? She's not portrayed in a fabulous light by the media, but she must have some brains to have managed to become governor of Alaska. I don't like her, but I do think she is used, to a certain extent, as a whipping boy, so to speak. We all say stupid things from time to time, only hers are immortalised.

I just keep feeling that even as we get more and more integrated as a society, people are retreating more and more to labels and separating ourselves out, labeling ourselves as 'Other', and grouping negatively. I know I'm not saying this clearly (I'm writing very stream-of-concioussness). I just wonder. I have friends who identify themselves very strongly as a particular facet of themselves, but I see them as a whole. Its very hard to explain. I don't see people as 'black' or ' white' (or purple, for that matter). I dated a man from Trinidad for a while, and he pointed out that we were a biracial couple. (I don't remember the context of the comment, I think it was in response to a news story). It was something that I never really thought about as a defining characteristic, it was part of who he was.

I went to school with a lot of different folks, and had a lot of exposure to different cultures growing up, so maybe I'm completely different from the average American, but I never saw where anyone was from, or the color of their skin, as the defining characteric of who they are. Its like with me, I consider myself an American. But I'm also Egyptian. I'm a woman. I have a hearing impairment. I act. I sing. I do ceramics. But none of these are more important than any other. I don't define myself by being Catholic, or being short. Or by being single or childless. These are all part of what makes me me.

Why I will never be on 'Missed Connections'...

Not because I'm not pretty, or because I'm not active and busy...

I just don't like crowds. And the kinds of places I go are not frequented by the kinds of guys who post there...

You never see missed connections for the farmer's market, for Ikea, or for Lowes on a weekday. Or even for the poetry readings at Hillstead. You never see missed connections for the mall... Technically, I suppose this means I should be going to Lowes and Ikea on the weekends, when men can catch a glimpse of my gorgeousness....

but the thought makes me run away, screaming.....

There's only so much humanity I can deal with, after all....

Tired of shopping...too much plenty...

I was grumbling to myself this morning about not knowing how my grandmother did it. I'm stocking up for a weekend with ten people, and have more food in the house than I can shake a stick at. I am SO TIRED of trying to figure out what to buy.

And then, as I started to write this blog I kicked myself. Because so many people in the world have nothing. And we have food everywhere...so much food that we are all FAT. We need to take out gym memberships so that we can work out to become skinny. Because we have all these "labor-saving" devices.

We even have folks in this country who don't have enough to eat. So, now that I've reminded myself, even though I'm grumpy about still having to buy more food, I'm grateful that I can.

I still don't know how my grandmother did it. (Although I suspect its easier to stock up for a summer and replenish the pantry than buy for a full weekend kablooie)

I have : chicken, fruit(cherries, blueberries, bananas), cereal, bagels, bread, butter, tortilla chips, salsa, cheeses, asparagus, green beans, salad fixings, mushrooms, avocadoes, peppers, pistachios, cottage cheese, yogurt, rice, potatoes. I still need to buy milk and some kind of lunch meats. I thought about buying a ham, but there is no room in the fridge. I have a leg of lamb in the freezer I am taking up too.

Anything you would add to that?

4 teenage boys, 1 teen girl. God Help Us. (At least the forecast is good)

Homeownership fun!

So, I like being a homeowner. Even though the previous owner did things in a half-assed way. And they are slowly coming to light, and being fixed. And even though Michael wants to track him down and smack him.

But its nice to get work done on the house, to paint, to contemplate updating the kitchen, to get some color on the walls... To be able to do the backyard in fun plants and slowly transform it.

I wish there were greener options in Farmington, though. I would love there to be a green lawn service that would compost... and use electric mowers (or if I could rent sheep...I really want to be able to rent sheep!) Wouldn't it be fun if one could get a neighborhood herd of sheep? Have them graze the lawns of the whole neighborhood?

I'm glad that more companies are doing environmentally friendly products, too.

What is friendship?

Friendship is loyalty. Friendship is caring about another person's wellbeing. Friendship is giving and accepting. Friendship is knowing that someone may not be exactly like you, may not like the same games and things, but that you get along well, that you have a connection. Friendship is supporting your friend.

Friendship is forgiveness. Friendship is love. I have a couple of great friends. I've also lost a friend, and I'm grieving that. (He's not dead, we broke up).

I really wish we could talk, but he is feeling stressed. I'm trying to give him space so that maybe we can still be friends... but I miss him. I miss chatting with him on Facebook, I miss being able to get something to eat with him, I miss having someone who would always run out when it was time to shop...

I don't miss being nervous that he thought I was a snob... I don't miss his TMI moments, and I don't miss trying to reassure him that he would find a job. I don't miss feeling like he didn't trust me at times. I only told two things that he ever told me, and the first was before I knew him well. He told me he was looking for a job, and I shared that with another friend. And the other thing was something I was so horrified by, I told other people, because I thought he needed to hear reassurance that he didn't 'destroy the choir' from other people, not just me, because I didn't feel like my reassurance was getting through.

I know I screwed up a couple of times. And maybe I should have continued to go to Morning Mass. And maybe I should have sat with him at the catechists dinner... the morning Mass thing was because I didn't want to hear Father Flynn being negative about Doug on Mondays, or hear the ladies parroting his latest opinions.. I didn't want to be put in the role of intermediary. And then we became friends, and I REALLY didn't want to get put in the middle. And I didn't want gossip either. I didn't want people assuming there was more going on than just friendship, than just hanging out. So I tried to keep things a little separate.

And maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. Because supposedly 'everyone' was telling him not to go out with me. Why? I wish I knew. Because of gossip? Because I'm not the traditional Farmington homeowner? Because I'm not Martha Stewart? Because I'm not a good little through-and-through Catholic who has *gasp* lived with a man? Because I think women deserve a stronger role in the church? Because I hate the church's stance on some things?

I have friends. I have friends who are very different from me. I have polyamorous friends. I have gay friends, I have actor friends, musician friends, teacher friends. I have friends from college. I have friends who are pagan and friends who are Catholic. I have friends who are Muslim..... I have friends all over the world.

I just wish losing this one friend didn't hurt so much...

Damn Endo! Out, Out! (a vent about endo and my life)

I hate having endometriosis. Hate. With the White-hot-passion-of-a-thousand-suns HATE. It saps my energy, i get cramping, sex is no fun... and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never have kids. Because the chances are that I am infertile. And that sucks.

Going gluten-free has helped, but apparently not enough. Because the endo is getting worse again. Stress doesn't help either, and I have buckets of that. A former friend hates me, and that stresses me out. I just wish I could make things right. I don't use the cell phone constantly and didn't realise it was off. It was a missed connection, literally!

But when I am stressed, I stress eat. Which doesn't help either.

I feel alone. I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know people care about me, but I really don't want to get needy all over people... and I feel guilty for unloading on the few people I can..

I try to :Always Look on the Bright Side of Life but it can be tough. I just feel so alone.

Yes, I have many things other people would envy. I have a lovely home. I have a second place by a beautiful Lake. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

I don't have anyone to share it with. I try to have parties, and no-one comes. I try to do fun things, no-one comes. I have an odd background, and an odd family. (I love my family to death, but there is no question where my sarcastic sense of humour came from) I don't feel, even at age 40, that I belong anywhere.

My job has become more of a source of frustration than a challenge... I need to be able to grow, and am feeling stifled these days... and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better for myself.

I know I've tried things in the past that didn't work for me...Sleeping around didn't work, neither did the poly community (although that was in part the men I dated at the time). I'm not a traditional 'Farmington' person though. I'm not buttoned-up, repressed, demure, etc. I'm not 9-to-five. I give my all. I throw myself into projects...people... I'm enthusiastic, I try to learn from my mistakes, but then I go the other way.. It just seems that even in this day and age, people can't appreciate someone who is truly giving and loyal... if you have been my friend, ever, I will stick with you. And that works to my detriment.

I just wish I could share some of my amazing life with people who care about me. And I wish that life wasn't so damn superficial.