What I would like in a political party.

I would like a candidate I can vote for.   I find Obama's campaign ads to be somewhat tasteless.

I would like a party that believes in strengthening American jobs, that wants to bring small industry back to the States.  So that clothes, cars, all kinds of things, can be made here.  

I would like them to get rid of the lobbyists for Big Food and Big Oil.   Big Oil is so entrenched in our current agricultural system, that when it goes down, it will go down hard....   We need to be able to transition farmers to be able to crow crops without Big Ag.

I would like them to support local, fresher foods.  

I would like to get back to smaller, local farms as well.

I would like to support life, of all kinds.   But also Birth Control and the right to have an abortion.

Marriage for everyone.   And no, not the guinea pigs, that is ridiculous.

I would like to protect our natural resources.   Start using solar power, and wind power.

Give the FDA authority to recall foods, to recall drugs, to have *real*, stringent testing of all these things...

Feeling alone.

I was involved, heavily involved, last year.   I was busy with the local community theatre, I was teaching CCD, I was in choir, doing ceramics...

This year, I have been stabbed in the back, the theatre owes me $500, and I've been pushed out the door.   I'm not able to teach CCD because of increased job responsibilities.  The choir no longer exists.

And I'm depressed.

I keep trying to get out there, put myself out there, and all that happens is that I get slapped down.

I don't have a support system.   I don't have anyone to rely on.  And I'm tired of it.

All I see is looking out to an empty life of just me, alone, growing old alone.


I'm tired of being alone.


I don't fit in.


I'm smart, cute, irreverent, well-read, artistic, loving.

I'm also snarky, sarcastic, frustrated, and like my space.

I'm not a bar-hopper, a drinker.  I'm not stunningly beautiful.

I'm tired.   I'm tired of not fitting in.   I've never fit in...


I've tried many different circles...  I've hung out with the geeks, I've hung out with the Catholics, I've hung out with the atheists.   I've hung out with poly and fen crowds, and theatre folks, and blue-collar folks.  I've hung out with upper-crust types.  I've hung out with folks from different countries.

And yet, still, at age 41, I stick out like a sore thumb.  

I'm a little bit hippie for my town, but not hippie enough for the hippies.  I'm artistic, but not enough for the artists....

I don't play politics.   I am just me.  I express my frustrations.   I'm honest, open, try to get along with people, try to keep my mouth shut when necessary...

I get behind on my house and yard....

I just feel like giving up.   I'm just lonely and overwhelmed.  And feeling friendless.

The bittersweet....

So today was the first day of school in Farmington.  Over the last week, various Facebook friends keep posting pictures of the first day....

and it hurts.   It hurts because I don't think I'm ever going to have that.   It hurts because after 9 years, I'm still alone.  Even though I left the ex so that I could grow, become myself, and maybe have kids, I never met anyone else.

I just wish, wish I didn't feel so alone, so damaged.  My coworkers all have grandkids or kids.  

I see kids come into the library every day, great kids, wonderful kids.... (and bratty kids, noisy kids, obnoxious kids)

But I am so jealous of my friends kids.   Of the fact that they have them, they have that sweetness...

I always thought that my kids would grow up with their cousins...  that they would have a chance to run madly off the dock, or sink the canoe, or play endless games of Life....

But that dream, that hope, is slowly dying, because the guys are not out there anymore, and I'm too scared to be a parent alone.  I keep tossing out that idea, but I keep hoping that maybe, around the next bend, will be the perfect man.

Someone who loves kids, a soulmate.  Someone who loves going to the beach, being silly... someone who is a good partner, a loving, kind, gentle person...

And I know that this mythical guy would, hopefully, accept my hypothetical kids as his own.  But it doesn't stop it hurting.   It doesn't stop me wanting a baby, wanting another human being in my life...

And so its bittersweet.  Because I'm happy for my friends, but at the same time, they don't seem to realise how lucky they are that they have met someone wonderful, and created wonderful kids... who they have the privilege of raising and letting fly free...

Life, the Universe, and Catherine....

So, here we are, updating after too many months in the dark....   I got a promotion at work, but got stabbed in the back at the theatre...so I guess life balances out...  On the good side, with spending less time at the theatre, my house is starting to get clean...   which is a bit of a surreal feeling.  Now I should just hire a painter, plumber, get the outside spiffed up, and some color on the inside before winter...  White is a depressing color.

The only difficulty with trying to hire someone is my aforementioned promotion.   I am 9-5 Monday through Thursday, and then weekends have been trying to catch up with family.

And I miss the Farmer's market.  I miss fresh, local fruit.  

Boy, I have a boring life, no wonder I slacked off on the blogging.   No cute date stories, no cute kid stories, no cute pet stories...  I'm surprised my one follower hasn't gone to sleep yet...

I do have frustrations.  I don't want to vote for either candidate in the coming election.   icky icky icky.  I don't like the Obama campaign things I keep seeing popping up...its crude "Join Michelle and tell Barack you're in"?  eeeeeeeew.   But I like Obama better than Romney.   I'm not fond of what I'm hearing about Ryan either, although, to give him credit, he is politicking what he actually believes, as opposed to what the masses are perceived to want.

But we NEED a better system.   Its better than what is going on in Egypt right now.  Its better than what a lot of countries have, but maybe we need three parties, not two.     We need big business OUT of government, we need big ag out of government, so that maybe choices could be made that would benefit the small farmer.  If we just eliminated lobbyists or have people abstain from voting on an issue if they are in bed with a business affected by the issue...  

I just don't know, I wish I did.  

When I get called at work by someone who wants to know who I'm voting for?  That is inappropriate.

I just want to go spend a week on a beach somewhere, drinking mai tais....

I just feel perpetually behind these days...  scrambling to catch up...

aaaaauuuugggghhhhh

The Middle Ground.

So, I am not a radical.  I'm not a radical feminist, I'm NOT a radical Catholic.  I'm not even a rabid environmentalist.    I believe very strongly in the middle ground.    Except when it comes to assumptions.   I try not to assume anything about anyone.     Passionate?  Yes I'm passionate.  I think the big chemical companies have gone overboard, that we have to know what goes into our food and our bodies...   I believe in God, but I don't think you have to believe in God to be a moral human being.   But you do have to respect the beliefs of others.   I wish people would start raising their kids again...  there has been this overload of naughty children at work these days...

Yes, I know, I sound like a crotchety old lady.  

Things I am happy about?  CT got rid of the death penalty.    yay!   My house is staying slightly cleaner on a day-to-day basis...  (no, I'm not a hoarder, but sometimes feel as if I play one on TV)...   I'm caught up on all my bills...  (I think).   And will hopefully be able to mow the grass this afternoon.  

But back to the middle ground... there is so much of the time when it doesn't feel as if there is a middle ground, even though it is where I stand.    Its either WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, or RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
(and please excuse any odd formatting things, trying to figure out the new Blogger)  This is true in politics, in everything....

Pissed Off! Irate! Annoyed.

So I went to get my mail.   And in the box was a lovely thing from the "Council for Secular Humanism" offering me a subscription for the low low price of $25.   First of all, where did they get my name from?   And its basically "hate mail" against religion.  These people seem to feel that they have to convert everyone to their lack of religion.  Now, maybe they grew up in ultra-orthodox households, or maybe they grew up being fed the belief that religion is the opiate of the masses, and that anyone who believes in God is not an educated thinking person....  

The problem is not their lack of belief, that is fine, live and let live.  The problem is that they want me to believe that my faith is wrong, and they are right.  It is not a free inquiry unless you open yourself up to the possibility that maybe faith is right....  but being religious does not mean you don't also accept science.  The Catholic Church accepts evolution, after all.  

And they have an "Islam watch"?   ACK!  

Thoughts on Children's TV.

More specifically, Catholic children's tv shows.   I am horrified.  One show seems to have a bagel/doughnut (not sure which, honestly) in a box, with a slightly creepy guy who is the human host.  And they were singing a lovely little song about O-B-E-Y.   *shudder*

The next one was EVEN worse.   Puppets.  But not just any puppets.  Nun puppets, sacristan puppet, Father puppet, interacting with child puppets.   The puppets were not even synched with mouths moving for speech.  The "Sacristan" was shown as dumb, and the other puppets laughed at him.  THIS is a Catholic children's show?

Or else we have the real nun, who is syrupy sweet and showing the angelic little darlings how to look things up in the catechism.

Ok.  First of all, get some folks from Sesame Street conceptualizing the shows.   Have a little acid in with the sweet...  kids these days are very savvy in many ways.   Have a show with an I-pad that talks to God or something.