Chocolate wrappers tell all...

So, I have the crud. Which is a good excuse to break into my chocolate stash, from one of my little CCD angels. Dove Dark Chocolate.

The wrappers so far want me to:

Don't let the moment pass. Indulge.

ok, I can live with that. Lets have another.

Sleep outdoors under the light of the moon.

Yeah. Right. I have the crud. And its going to be 20 degrees tonight. I don't think so. Even in summer, I don't think so. Unless I want to wake up raped and murdered. If I had a rooftop perch or something, maybe. Next!

Share a Sunday picnic in the park.

Excuse me? Have you not heard a word I've typed? Its fucking freezing and I have the crud. Give me something I can do, and maybe I'll do it. So far its 1 out of three.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas...

I am sick. Really sick. Bleah. And hurt. I just checked a friend's boyfriend's blog, and apparently I have mega cooties. They had another party to which they did not invite me.

I just feel like I keep trying to make friends, to connect with people, and it never works. I get the metaphorical pat on the head, "oh aren't you sweet?" but in the end, I end up sitting at home alone, or going out and doing stuff alone.

But it doesn't even mean I can have a glass of wine when I am out, because I have to drive myself home.

And I am just so tired of being alone. So tired of being responsible. I don't think anyone would miss me if I vanished.

(and yes, some of this is from being sick, too, I didn't get much sleep last night)

Calgon, take me away.

On the Second Day of Christmas....

Yes, I plan to celebrate all 12 days of Christmas, thank you. So here I am, getting ready for work. Listening to Christmas carols, I love carols... I wish I could sing them more often. I'd love to start a carol group, to go around to other people's houses and sing to them, to sing in nursing homes... I'm sipping coffee out of my new Ho, Ho, Ho mug (no comments from the peanut gallery, please) courtesy of one of my CCD kids.

My true love hasn't shown up yet, but if he ever did, I would want to give him something each night of Christmas. And not a partridge in a pear tree, or two French hens (I might see if I can find French hens for Gabi next year, though...at least I know what to look for for him).

I do love shopping for the perfect gift for someone. I just wish I had more opportunities.

Be blessed in your families and love in these twelve days of Christmas.

The Day After.. Christmas.

Christmas: the aftermath. This morning I am sitting here wondering how to deal with gifts from my parents. I love them, but they invariably give me the most ugly things on earth. I have this plantstand now, which my father picked out. Usually I'd like almost anything from Smith and Hawken, but he picked out the one thing I would hate. Its blocky wood with a galvanized metal tray.



His gifts to me, as an adult woman, have ranged from the highly inappropriate (nightgown, anyone?) to the downright ugly. It is frustrating because it just seems like they don't know me at all, they don't think about my tastes. But I don't want to tell them I didn't like their gift, because if I did that, that would be rude. Its amazing though, they went to a store whose things I generally love, and picked out the one thing I would hate, because its 'practical'.



You want to give me a 'practical' gift? Go to Sears and get a gift card, or Home Despot. Or arrange with the painter to pay for three rooms being painted, something like that. Buy me a CSA membership for next year. Those are 'practical' gifts that I'd like. Call the 10,000 Villages where I volunteer, ask if there is anything hugely expensive that I've been lusting over. I'm doing a wish list next year and sending it to them



If you are going to give furniture, make sure its something the person would like. Please. Painted wicker, bamboo, wrought iron. Think eclectic and full of character. Like me.

Apparently, with the lines of cars in and out of the mall, I am not the only one who got an ugly gift. Mine's just non-returnable.

Why I am Pro-Choice and Pro-Life.

As women, we have the right to have power over our own bodies. We have the right to have a safe ending of a pregnancy. But abortion is also a horrible experience. How do I know? I've had one. Instead of arguing to end abortion we need to work at a grassroots level to change the perceptions and needs for abortion. Abortion is seen as an automatic solution. If you get pregnant, you get an abortion, if you are single. There is no counseling, really.

I wish I had known then what I know now. While I beleive that abortion is killing, and it is killing your baby (ies), it is not, for the most part, murder. A murder is killing a viable person, which a fetus is not yet. And sometimes a woman cannot have a baby on her own, or she has too many children, or has a valid reason for needing an abortion. And in that case, she needs to be able to have a legal, safe abortion.

But there also needs to be a climate where women can talk about it, and know that yes, it is a horrible experience for many women. Women need to know that its not a simple cut-and-dried procedure. The aftermath of mine stayed with me for a long time, and in some ways is still with me.

So here's to my twins, Danny and Rosie. I miss you every day, at Christmas, your birthmonth...
I know I will see you again. I love you, Mom.

Always Alone (AKA The blues)

So, in the end, we are always fundamentally alone. I'm hurting tonight. I am so intensely lonely tonight and don't have anyone to call. I don't feel like I will ever be given the chance to sing anything solo or with a quartet, no matter how much I work with my voice teacher. Its frustrating because then Marissa waltzes in, and bam, because she is dating one and friends with the other, she gets several solos. I could have sung 'Bleak Midwinter' better than she did. I learned the carol from the Brits at age 10.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm good, but I am better than they give me credit for. But guess what, guys. You put me in a place where all I can hear are the basses? (our church) Or where I can't see the conductor? I'm not going to do as well. I do better at the higher parts, the more complex things that actually have a tune, rather than the 'rounds'. I could have done 'A Babe is Born' or the one I actually worked on with my voice teacher 'There is no Rose'. I KNEW that one. I am just so frustrated. Because I am decent, if you give me a chance. I have a pretty voice. All I ask for is a chance.

And to my fellow choir members, Gabe loved his gifts. No, they weren't huge, but guess what? When most people give me the money the day before, I don't have a hell of a lot of chance to shop. And enough with the gift cards, those are not 'big' things. And yes, I am getting him one. But please. Every gift does not have to be a gift card from the Mall. If you want input on his gifts, or want to suggest a new idea, please do. Otherwise let me find something he will really like. All the $$ will get used eventually.

A chef in the kitchen....

A chef in the kitchen, a madonna in public, and a whore in the bedroom. I couldn't actually remember how the phrase went, my recollection went like this: A whore in the bedroom, a madonna/virgin at church and something else in the kitchen. Someone else thought diplomat was in there somewhere. I keep thinking goddess is in it too.

This is supposed to be what men want. According to an aquaintance of mine, men want sex, "food they can get on their own". I just think that's too simplistic. And the saying is too simplistic. I think men want someone who is happy in their own skin. Men want the same things women want, a companion, a helpmate, someone to share passion with. But also men do encourage the idea that all they want is sex. When all you get on your Myspace page is email about how gorgeous you are and how they want to F*** your brains out (implied, but yes, I can read between the lines). Read my blog on there. See that I am an intelligent person, with feelings. I have a brain, I have a heart, and I have courage. (and yes, I was in the Wizard of Oz, so I can also sing!)

And yet we get ten thousand 'self-help' books about what men want. Men want honesty. Men don't want to be manipulated by the 'Rules'. I wish there was a way to cut through the crud of all these dating manuals, the falsity, the myths we grow up with and are imbued into our pores. When the 'net first started, I thought it would be that. But its a more sophisticated way to lie. What happened to being set up on dates (not that blind dates are fun, I'll have to post about my most horrendous blind date sometime)? What happened to being able to meet people socially? It seems like everyone's sons or grandsons are married.

Now it seems like its couples, single women, and me. And the gay men. Don't forget the gay men. I wonder how one could change the saying for them. "A chef in the kitchen, St Joseph in public, Adonis (or Apollo?) in the bedroom".