Why I do not have a problem with "Checking My Privilege".

I have privilege.  I'm not going to say I don't.  I look white and identify as such.   I am also Egyptian, and have experienced some things as a result of that.  Exoticism, for one.  Egyptian women are supposed to be mysterious, exotic creatures, in harem pants, smelling of exotic spices.

Yeah, right.   Leggings and soap here, people.

I'm pretty sure I'm on a list somewhere...  about a month after 9/11 I got the most detailed jury questionnaire that I have ever gotten.   Asking things that, really, they were not supposed to ask.   I wish I'd kept a copy as proof.   Things like what my religion was, etc.  And I remember commenting to my ex, as I filled it out, that they were checking up on the Arabs.

I later found out that my mother and sister, both with an addy in NYC, had also received something similar around that same time.

Anyway, to get back to the question of checking one's privilege.

To me, it does not mean that someone is accusing you of being descended from slaveowners.   Or that you've never experienced discrimination, or poverty, or hardship.

To me, it means, "stop and think about what you are saying".  It does not mean that your world-view is not valid.  It means that, here in the States, the easiest position is that of straight, white male.

You take two people with the exact same experience.  A middle-class upbringing.  Make one black, one white.  The white person has an automatic advantage in this society.  That is fact.

There is also intersectionality.   That means that there are different layers and types of privilege, and different people can be privileged in different ways.

To me, what people are saying when they say "check your privilege" is "you are not listening to what I am saying", basically.   They are asking you to listen to their lived experiences, and not diminish them by saying "that's not true" when you are, essentially, at the top of the pecking order.

I have been aware of being aware of the presence of black youths walking on the street.  And I hate that I have crossed the street on occasion.  Because I have read accounts of how much that hurts when people do it.

Awareness is part and parcel of checking my privilege.  Being aware of what I do, and how I react.  Even within the context of writing this post, I checked "wait, what am I saying, is there a better way to say this?".  When I wrote the phrase "pecking order", it was a replacement for another phrase.  

Checking privilege is just about being aware, being sensitive, and listening.  Which a lot of people don't seem to do anymore.  Be empathic, and compassionate, without being pitying or condescending.  It is about trying to make sure many people are heard, many narratives are heard.

And it is why I am friends with people of all stripes, all nationalities.  Because I want to hear their narratives.  (That being said, though, I am saddened at how much frustration and anger there is on both sides, left and right, gay and straight)  I wish we could find more things in common.

Still stuck. And feeling disenchanted.

I'm a creative person.  I'm a maker, a dreamer.  An artist.

But I am stuck.  Very very very stuck.   I just feel as if I have tried so many avenues in my life, and nothing has worked.

In MD I was a member of the Museum, went to all the singles things.   I took jewelry classes at the art school, took ceramics at Clayworks.  

I went to a couple of cons at various points in my life.   But they never clicked.  Probably because the first one I went to, I was dropped in the deep end, literally.   GLUG.   The next few were with my ex, who was basically UGH.   I might fit the con world if I had a room to go back to and someone to hang out with.  I don't know.

I've tried the pagan community, I've tried the Church community, nothing fit.   I've TRIED.  I'm too straight for the pagans, too warped for the Catholics.

I don't really fit in here in suburbia either.   And as someone with money, I just feel, particularly since the person I trusted told me that he was jealous of my money...  I feel alone.  I just feel that people are just interested in my money, and not me.

I'm greying, homely, and a little unconventional.  

I'm gluten-free, so can't even go out to eat with people.  

I never had kids, that's not likely to happen now...

And I just have given up.

I've tried theater, the theater I got involved with just wanted me to pay for everything.

I've tried volunteering different places.  I don't like the idea of volunteering at a soup kitchen to help "the poor" because it smacks of condescension to me.  

I need to find my people, somehow.   I need to find my space.  A nurturing, creative space.  

I'm never going to find love, I'm not sure it exists.    Although I wouldn't mind having sex again in my lifetime before I get too saggy and baggy.

I just want to find somewhere I am valued and appreciated.  Where I'm not just seen as the CCD lady.  Because I may have taught CCD, but never taught the older kids because I could never teach what I consider hate.  Even if it is the Church's creed.  It sticks in my craw.

Everyone else in my family is moving forward, moving on, and I can't seem to even buy a car for myself.

I give up.  I have given up.   I need to find a new direction, but I don't know where to go, where to look.

Giving up on Christmas.

There are times when traditions no longer matter.  When you are the only one doing them, and the only one seeing them, it is no longer worth it.    Yes, I have officially given up on Christmas.   It would have been different had I ever had kids.   I remember the magic from when I was a child.  

But with no-one to shop for...  it isn't worth it.  And all that going to Christmas events does for me is just make me more depressed about coming home to an empty house.

I do play carols and have a creche out.  But that is it.    No tree, no cookies, no treats, no gifts.  And that is fine.  

It really is.  

Race in the media...

So, I have thought a lot about the portrayal of "other" in various media.  And, right now, we don't have a lot of positive images out there.  In full disclosure, I'm writing this as a white woman.  But when most of the books for/about African-American kids involve the Harlem choir, or MLK, or slavery, then THAT is a problem.  When there are no positive tv shows showing a regular black family, or anything other than the token black teenager...  That is a problem.  Even in adult books or magazines...or even the news! (Granted, I have other problems with the news).

But this is something that needs to be fixed!  Not in a divisive manner, I have a friend who says that skin color shouldn't matter.  No, it shouldn't , and to me, it doesn't, but I also think that the only way it truly will not matter is by representing everyone, and having real integration.  How we achieve that, I don't know, because we have become so divided in many ways, and there is no one quick and easy fix.

Sometimes it is hard... or who I am now...

When the person whom you would have described as your best friend has taken your actions out of context.  Yes, I am single, yes, I miss being in a relationship, yes, I would have liked to have kids.  But you are, and have always been, a friend.  Platonic.  I respect you, but I do not appreciate being told "oh you shouldn't believe that".  Unfortunately, there is skew on BOTH sides.  We used to be able to agree to disagree...  and I don't know when you stopped respecting me.

When I wear a bikini or a bathingsuit, it is because it is something I am comfortable in, not to shock you or entice you...  hell, I may end up wearing a bikini when I am 90, if I live that long.  Yes, I know I'm fat.  But I also know that I like the way I look in more fitted things, I still have a cute hourglass shape.

You need to respect the fact that I am comfortable in a bikini.  That I am comfortable with who I am, for the most part.

I've fallen away from the Church, even though I think the new Pope is going to be great for the Church, to get the church onto a more modest, humble, stable footing.  I just can't take the judgementalism.   I do not judge people, and they always have a chance to make right.  If a former friend whom I lent money to was to come to my doorstep with a check, apologize, pay me back.   Or even just apologize.  I would forgive him.
(I wouldn't lend him money again, but I would forgive him)

When you have to put things together by yourself.  Evidence? The half-put-together hammock stand in the back yard.

when everything you do, you end up doing alone.  Trying to get a plumber, buy a car, get the car serviced...  unfortunately, it is still a pretty sexist world out there.

I don't have any kind of network or support system...  I don't fit in with the sci-fi geeks, with the poly crowd, with the theater crowd.  I don't fit in with the Catholics, or the Atheists.  I'm a mutt.  I'm a bit of a hippie, too liberal for the Republicans, but a little too conservative, in some ways, for the liberals.

I applaud some of what Amanda Palmer does for body image, I think it is right that women are coming out and talking about health and body acceptance at every size.

I think if we are going to see sex on tv, we should have pickle shots as well as the ubiquitous boob shots.  But I also think that tv has been flattened, for the most part, to the lowest common denominator (as, I suspect, has also happened to books, with the self-publishing trend).

Currently, my self-image is a little in the toilet, and I am lonely.  I just seem to be stuck right now, because everything I do (as evidenced by my current case of poison sumac all over my body) ends up sending me two steps back for every step forward.  I just need a friend, I need help.  And I can't ask anyone in my family for help (nor do I really want family help, to be honest, but that is a whole other post)

And that is what is hard.  I know a lot of people to say hi to, to talk with, superficially.  But I don't have anyone, male or female, in my life who will call me and want to go for a drink.  Or to go for a walk.  Or go to a movie.

This is not just depression, although there is some of that.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things I am grateful for.  I am grateful to not have to work.  I am grateful for a roof over my head, and even my garden, poison sumac and all.  I am grateful for the friends I do have, and for the people who get mad on my behalf when certain people start behaving stupidly.

I'm grateful for good books, for chocolate, for the farmer's market, for my CSA.  I know should anything actually happen, family members would show up...  and be supportive.

(I'm grateful that I got to enjoy a little bit of my rosebush and peonies amidst the deluge, and that my roses seem to be blooming this year!)

Things I need to make happen:

Plumber.
Paint the house.
Plumber.
Repoint the chimney
Clean gutters
Plumber.
Put in stone paths in the yard, and stone patio in back.
Utility sink in basement...  drain in basement...
Studio in basement.
Plumber.

Anyone know of a good plumber?  

Inspired by Amanda Palmer.

So, I went on Twitter this morning, to see that Amanda Palmer had a whole wave of people tweeting pics to her of so-called problem areas of their bodies.  With the hashtag photoshop this.

I am fat.  Yes. I am beautiful, but I am also fat.   I will never, ever, ever be skinny.   (Sorry Mom).

I am also strong, Relatively healthy, and I can do a lot with my body.  

Yes, I have stretch marks.   No, I don't shave/pluck/primp all the time, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I'll wear makeup, nail polish, high heels...  other times, not so much.

I do wear bikinis on the beach.   I do wear clothes that fit, because, yes, even though I'm fat, I have an hourglass figure.  I have hips, a waist, boobs.  I do have a nice shape.

I don't wear baggy, floaty clothes.  

My skin is starting to lose elasticity...  I'm going to rock the tank tops, the cleavage, etc while I still can.

Because I am beautiful.  And in my heart, I believe it.   And we have to show other women that they are still beautiful, even if they aren't fashion-model-skinny.

Worldwide issues.... and what to do.

We have a worldwide issue.  Hunger.  And obesity.  And malnutrition.    From the USA, where kids have shown up to closed schools because it is the only place they get fed...to Egypt, where the government subsidizes bread, white rice, sugar, and oil.   Mothers are overweight, children are stunted, all are vitamin deficient.

The US is having issues with the Farm Bill.

http://grist.org/food/undead-farm-bill-everyones-favorite-legislative-zombie-shuffles-on/

I wish, wish, wish, there could be cuts to Big Ag benefits, rather than cutting food stamps.  People who did not need food stamps before, do now.   Not everyone has a farmer's market to go to.   Not everyone can afford a CSA.   Some people don't even have a place to shop for groceries...

Even people who can afford a CSA may not be able to in future.  The cost is going up.  Gas prices are rising..

I wish we had something that would cut members of Congress off, and make them eat as if they were on food stamps.  Some are trying it, voluntarily. https://www.facebook.com/ChrisMurphyCT?fref=ts

Unfortunately, it is not the people who need to try it.

What we need to do, as a nation, as a world, is support the small farmer.   The organic (or those who do not have certification, but use organic/sustainable practices).  We need more CSAs, we need more sources for fruits and veg for the general population.  We need more farmer's markets.

One blog I read, Food Babe, has a lady who went to a town in one of the most obese counties in the US.  The town is surrounded by farms who take the produce, which the residents cannot get in town, to a location at least 45 minutes away.   The food is there, but the residents are not getting it.  They are getting processed white flour, sugar, and fat.  

We need to ensure that every child gets enough to eat.   Enough healthy food.   Why not turn vacant lots into farms in the cities?  This might work in some parts of Cairo too...   (not, unfortunately, in the poorer sections, which need this the most)

We need to make a stand.  We need to write to our Congresscritters and say "you need to step up" You need to put back the food stamps, and change the farm bill.  Stop supporting Big Ag, stop supporting all the GMO corn and soy which is transformed into dietary high-calorie nonutritive crap.    Reinforce the parts of the farm bill which support FARMERS, not Big Ag.   Support the creation of new farmer's markets, and the use of SNAP benefits at those.  

Are there CSAs in Cairo?  Or organics?   Set up organic farms in Egypt where a certain amount of the extra food goes to the poor.

It just seems like we are heading for a worldwide cliff...