Still stuck. And feeling disenchanted.

I'm a creative person.  I'm a maker, a dreamer.  An artist.

But I am stuck.  Very very very stuck.   I just feel as if I have tried so many avenues in my life, and nothing has worked.

In MD I was a member of the Museum, went to all the singles things.   I took jewelry classes at the art school, took ceramics at Clayworks.  

I went to a couple of cons at various points in my life.   But they never clicked.  Probably because the first one I went to, I was dropped in the deep end, literally.   GLUG.   The next few were with my ex, who was basically UGH.   I might fit the con world if I had a room to go back to and someone to hang out with.  I don't know.

I've tried the pagan community, I've tried the Church community, nothing fit.   I've TRIED.  I'm too straight for the pagans, too warped for the Catholics.

I don't really fit in here in suburbia either.   And as someone with money, I just feel, particularly since the person I trusted told me that he was jealous of my money...  I feel alone.  I just feel that people are just interested in my money, and not me.

I'm greying, homely, and a little unconventional.  

I'm gluten-free, so can't even go out to eat with people.  

I never had kids, that's not likely to happen now...

And I just have given up.

I've tried theater, the theater I got involved with just wanted me to pay for everything.

I've tried volunteering different places.  I don't like the idea of volunteering at a soup kitchen to help "the poor" because it smacks of condescension to me.  

I need to find my people, somehow.   I need to find my space.  A nurturing, creative space.  

I'm never going to find love, I'm not sure it exists.    Although I wouldn't mind having sex again in my lifetime before I get too saggy and baggy.

I just want to find somewhere I am valued and appreciated.  Where I'm not just seen as the CCD lady.  Because I may have taught CCD, but never taught the older kids because I could never teach what I consider hate.  Even if it is the Church's creed.  It sticks in my craw.

Everyone else in my family is moving forward, moving on, and I can't seem to even buy a car for myself.

I give up.  I have given up.   I need to find a new direction, but I don't know where to go, where to look.