Trying....

Ok, I know its been forever since I've written a post. There are so many things I've tried to start writing about, get halfway through, and then give up. I'm getting busy again, and running around like a maniac. So I'll give you some bullet-points.

I just finished J.S.F's Eating Animals. I cringed and whimpered so many times while reading that. Such cruelty in these slaughterhouses. Such waste in the fishing industry. We've got to fix these things. There has got to be a way to fish sustainably. We have got to get back to eating the whole animal, and killing them without needless cruelty. Do we really need cheap meat that much? (yes, we've also ruined agriculture, too with huge monocultures)

I am single, female, and like sex. In the culture I grew up with, that would get me shunned at best, and probably killed. Even in this culture, a single woman who likes sex is seen as a slut. Um, no. I like looking at men, I like the feel of the male body. This does not make me a slut.
I also have endo, which can make sex problematic at times. When I go to the dr asking for help, I don't want to be told 'Avoid penises'. This just makes me avoid the dr.

On a related note, men are strange. BLEAH.

And on the sex note, I am not a cougar, or a BBW. I'm larger than I'd like, yes, but I don't see myself as being that large. And a cougar is someone who aggressively chases younger men. Um no. Not me. I look, I admire, but too much younger? No. And I'm not really aggressive.
(Yes, sometimes I like playing the dom... but that's a different story)

Also, trying to find a balance... yes, there is a part of me that wants to find the 'right' man, but mostly I doubt he even exists. And I like having my own space, my own life. I'm having real trouble trying to figure out how dating and a romantic relationship would even fit into my life. But I don't want 'Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am' either. I want respect, even in a sex-only relationship...

On Endometriosis

I'm posting this today because, on Facebook, at least, its Yellow Shirt Day, where people wear a yellow shirt to honor people with endometriosis. I am just one person with endo, but I hate this disease. Its debilitating, exhausting, frustrating. Doctors are usually no help. Right now its under control. more or less, by my having gone gluten-free. But I was one of the lucky ones, as I was diagnosed relatively early in my life.

This is my story. Its longer than my usual posts, and has some TMI moments. Just warning you.

So, I've always had horrible periods. Truly horrible, first-day sick, periods. Periods that were so bad I would have to take massive amounts of Advil just to survive... People can still, to this day, tell when I have my period. I'll show up for work looking white and exhausted... but back to the saga of my endo.

I was 18, in my freshman year in college. I started having severe abdominal pain. And feeling absolutely exhausted. Went to the health center. They were no help. Went to a couple of drs. No help there. The health center started telling me that it was all in my head, and I should go see a shrink. *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* um, no, this pain is real, thank you. My parents and sister came over from Egypt for Christmas, to try to help me get diagnosed. Now endo can really only be diagnosed through surgery, through a laparoscope.

So, I had the surgery, and yay! They found endo! At least now I could feel vindicated, although I never appreciated the surgeons' little comment about 'well, if you really want to cure it, you should get pregnant'. ha, freaking, ha. At 18! A freshman in college? (And a virgin at the time, too). I don't think so, Dr Doofus. So then I went on the Pill, full time, to stop having periods at all. This I liked. I was functional. The only problem was, I gained weight on the pill. Big time (or so I thought, at the time). But otherwise, I was functional. Then the doctor decided I should start having periods again.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH. It wasn't any better. I was right back with severe, incapacitating pain. So I took the logical next step, asked the doctor what to do next? (This was the summer between my junior and senior years). And the answer was to simulate menopause (or go on a male hormone that would essentially do the same thing, but have some permanent side effects). I opted for the simulated menopause. NOT a good idea.

Mood swings, night sweats, lack of ability to concentrate... I basically flunked out my senior year because of this drug. It was all menopause, all the time. All the symptoms, all at once. Fortunately, I had good enough grades from the previous three years that i was able to transfer in enough credits to graduate later on. I missed graduating with my peers. I never wore the cap and gown.. and that is something I'll always regret.

In Baltimore, I was living with someone. (I just felt I didn't have another option to get away, to try to make my own choices). What they didn't tell me about the menopause drug is that it also was a fertility drug. I got knocked up.

Now on the one hand, I was overjoyed. i'd had five years, at this point, of doctors telling me, "The best cure for endo is to be pregnant, but it also causes infertility, so you may not be able to become pregnant'. On the other, I was essentially alone, in the city, with no-one to talk to. I couldn't talk to my parents, or any of my family. I couldn't talk to any of my friends from college, because I was ashamed of not having graduated with them. The father shut down and wouldn't talk to me at all. I have never felt so alone, and so terrified, and so angry. I had an abortion. It was a horrible experience, and one I regret every day as I pass out of my thirties without ever having another chance to be pregnant. Without having had other kids.

Anyway, back to the saga of the endo... so about two years later, the endo was getting really bad. It hurt to go to the bathroom because things were so twisted and adhered inside... I remember crying because it hurt so much, not wanting to have a bowel movement... (yes, TMI, I know) I found a wonderful surgeon (who, unfortunately, retired) who did a lap, found that my ovary was twisted up behind my uterus, between that and the bowel, and covered in so much endometrioma that it was the size of a grapefruit. He had to remove part of the ovary, but he cleaned up as many adhesions as he could... and put things back the way they were supposed to be.

So I came out of that, recovered...and then started to try various dietary approaches. Because surgery is a last resort. You don't want to have regular surgery for the rest of your life, unless you are Joan Rivers. I tried adding soy. I tried eliminating soy. I tried going vegetarian... I tried a lot of supplements, herbs... and a lot of it was still just survival...

I dated, moved in with someone, lived with him, dumped his sorry ass after a few years, and got back on track with my health. I had gained a ton of weight with the ex as he insisted that what I really needed for the cramps was alcohol. So he medicated me with large glasses of grain alcohol in fruit juice every 23 days (my cycle has always been regular, 28 days). I ballooned up to a size 22/24 because I had no energy (one of the effects of endo on me, was having killer cramps, and was having all this alcohol poured into me one week every month).

So, after getting rid of the ex, moved up to MA to detox. I bought a book on Endometriosis and nutrition. And one of the things it suggested, among other things, was that the majority of women with endo are allergic to wheat, dairy, or both. I went on an elimination diet, discovered I had a wheat allergy. I stopped using tampons, and started using washable pads to try to eliminate some of the toxins in women's feminine products. I started going to a gyn who was into supplements and natural healing, which helped some.

I still have horrible periods. I am probably never going to have a kid, as much as I would have loved to. I use some natural cramp bark and supplements to try to manage the endo, but eventually I am going to have to find a surgeon.

The things I wish I could change about the treatment of endo? The drs need to learn sympathy. I can't tell you how many doctors made the crack about 'haha, all you need is to get pregnant and your endo will go away'. WRONG. And the 'cures' are basically the same things they have been using for about fifty years. The pill, simulated menopause, and then "ok those didn't work, lets take everything out". But then they put you on hormones because you are still too young, and the nedo responds to the hormones......

Some of the things I have gone through with endo...pain with my periods that is overwhelming. Pain with sex. Hormonal fluctuations. Frustration with doctors and the traditional methods of dealing with endo...one surgical technique is to sever the nerves to the uterus to minimize the pain... and yes, I was desperate enough to authorize it, although it wasn't done. In my support groups, women have gone through horrible things, undergone quack remedies, because they were not getting relief from the traditional treatments. The traditional treatments are almost as bad as the disease. You end up assessing how functional your life is before going in.... and there are still shade of a story I read, in high school, of the room with the yellow wallpaper, to the treatment. That if you remove the offending organ, the uterus, all will be cured. It won't. And we need new treatments, new approaches, and a cure for this debilitating disease.

Continually amazed and bemused....

So, after reading various blogs condemning MeMe Roth (and I'm sorry, why not spell your name Mimi, since that is how it is pronounced) I decided to go to the website and watch the whole uproar.

"Is it OK to be Fat?"

*sigh*

All I really got for my troubles was a headache. No, MeMe Roth doesn't really have any qualifications, and her compatriot is a woman who went on a diet successfully. And the opponents are a fat chick and a 'plus-size' model with an eating disorder. Neither side really had stellar qualifications. Yes, they had a dr stand up in the middle of the whole yelling mess... but both sides had points.

Yes, being fat isn't healthy. But some people have a harder time losing it than others. And Fat people should not be discriminated against. (My experience with being fat was that it made me invisible, seriously. Better than a superpower ever could).

Yes we, as a nation, are fat. But dieting is not the answer. And while the Fat Acceptance movement has some wonderful ideas, you should definitely love yourself, and love your body as it is, being overweight does put a tremendous strain on your body.

I am on a messageboard with a number of fat people. Its a food messageboard. There is one woman in particular who is fat, angry, and defensive. She says 'Yes I'm fat, but I'm healthy', at the same time, then in other posts, she lists numerous diseases she has, and claims that she can't exercise. Instead, she seems to spend all her time online. And, from what she's listed as her eating habits? BLEAH. A lot of the folks on the food board are FAT. Big-time. Pun intended. And they got angry when the host of the show to which the board is dedicated made a comment about the size of his viewership. The body size of his viewership. And expressed concern.

I'm also on another messageboard. A messageboard for 'healthy eating'. And this one seems to go the other direction. Measuring portions, weighing every week, exercising even when injured.

And I ask myself where the balance is. We used to be able, as a country, to be relatively fit, healthy, without counting calories, going on the Atkins diet, taking supplements avery second, drinking gallons of water.

Where did it go wrong? Did it go wrong when our food supply became loaded with corn syrup? Did it go wrong when we had less and less realistic images to measure against? When we stopped eating all parts of the animal? When we stopped doing outside things and got sucked into the depths of the Internet and cable tv?

And speaking of tv, look at some of your old shows...the ones that had a fat person in them. Fat Albert, Facts of Life, Railroad Junction (I think that's what it was called), even Gilligan's Island. The fat folks look normal now.

And that is odd. I'm not saying fat people aren't people. That they shouldn't be treated like people. But at the same time that we accept and love ourselves, at every size, we can still get back to a healthier size. And maybe we should look within ourselves and love the inner us.

Love yourself, for you are beautiful. And don't be angry. I heard so much anger on that show... anger from the woman who lost 200 lbs, anger from Meme, just so much anger. And maybe the first thing we have to do is stop the anger.

Last night I had the strangest dreams....

I usually don't remember my dreams, AT ALL. But last night I had two very, very strange dreams. One of them is self-explanatory, really...and yes, I can read the typing on the screen for that one. My computer became possessed. There was an odd 'home' address that suddenly showed up, at first, it didn't seem to do anything...then it started doing strange things and I couldn't get rid of it. I was showing someone, and then the computer came up with my image, inside the computer, yelling and gestulating. (And it was in color, yes I dream in color). I remember thinking that must be an image from the future...

And no, I have not read that creepy Hugo-Award winning story of Harlan Ellison's again.. 'I have no mouth but I must scream'.

Obviously SOMEONE needs to get off the computer and get a life...

My other dream was much more interesting, but I remember less of it, of course. Alligators. Two alligators, locked in the attic, which escaped. There was a pair of foxes too. One of which was trapped in the room with the alligators. The other one kept asking (yes in speech, it used its words) me to help get the other one out, but I couldn't because of the alligators, couldn't let them get free. I went out, came back, and the alligators were free...

I think I was preparing to go catch the alligators when I woke up. I have a memory of thinking 'alligators like pork, I'll have to get some chunks of pork'.

So I guess the moral of this story is for the next week or so, I should avoid computers and alligators. Although, really, one should always avoid alligators. Its just common sense.

Burqas and banning....

As someone who grew up in a Muslim country, I'm disturbed by this talk of banning burqas. Because a burqa is not a clear-cut case of 'slavery', as so many people want to label it.
As in this article:




Its just not that simple, for Heavens sake! While growing up in Kuwait and Egypt, there were various levels of dress. There were women who went around with nicely coiffed hair, some makeup... there were women who wore a headscarf... and yes, there were a few women who did wear burqas. But it was as much a matter of choice then as anything. It was equivalent to wearing a coat, to a certain extent. You would look really glamorous at home, but you would put your headscarf on to go out. In some ways, it was like carrying Mace here, in the States.

Yes, there are places where it is used as a prison, of reducing a woman to an object, but sometimes it is just a cigar, to mix my metaphors. Burqas, chadors... you know, its not always a symbol of oppression.

I just always hate talk of banning, as well. Banning isn't going to change minds, change societies, change comfort levels. Banning, particularly in the Middle East, has led to the opposite effect. And if we are a free society, why are we banning this? Its a fine line. We don't ban the Orthodox Jewish men from dressing as their religion dictates. We don't ban the Hare krishnas from wearing their yellow robes in the airports. Why are we banning this? Just because it makes us uncomfortable? Why not talk about it instead?

I always found a mystery about a woman in a full veil...Or when you can see their eyes... you can still tell if someone has kind eyes.

And sometimes they find it freeing to wear those. And sometimes it can be a woman's own expression of religious devotion to want to wear a veil. Who are we, in the Western world, to decide if someone is being oppressed? Change has to happen from within. Not imposed from without.

Health and Eating and our Food Supply

The more I learn about food, our food supply, and our eating habits, the more amazed I am. We've really messed up our bodies, our health, and our food, in so many ways.

The most recent example of this is iodine deficiency. Iodine is blocked by soy flour (hello? this is in everything, including a lot of g-f stuff). We eat less iodine and iodide than we need, and a lot is blocked by other things. The foodie revolution, insisting on sea salt or kosher salt, has affected this, as well. But apparently a lot of folks have a lot less than they need, and instead of approaching it from a nutritional perspective, doctors approach it from a 'lets give it a pill' perspective.

I really, really wish there was more of a 'whole-body' approach. Even my GYN, who takes a natural approach, uses pills/capsules of 'natural' remedies and vitamins, instead of looking at the whole eating picture.

I do wonder if this is one of the reasons why I do better in summer when drinking the raw milk, though. Its fresher, and doesn't have supplemental things added to it. If I ever have kids, I think I'll heat it at home, do the low-slow pasteurization, and let them drink that.

But all our food comes through a pipeline. Even our water comes through pipes, pumped through miles of pipes, and how can THAT be better for us? The packaged salads have all kinds of bacteria... its just sad. I'm so tired of reading more stuff that scares me about our food supply, about more ways we are ingesting toxins. Everything is wrapped in plastic, or doused in chemicals. If its low-fat, the fats have been replaced with fillers.

Powdered milk (the stuff I grew up on) has been implicated in health issues. The lining of cans (since cans now have a nice plastic coating) releases BPA. Everything has pesticides. Nothing is actually ripe. We have monocultures of one crop, one type of mango, one type of banana...

All our food has crud in it. Its all highly processed, even the organic stuff.

And just trying to find things like organic beef liver, or organic chicken liver. *sigh*

Trying to figure out what seafood is sustainably harvested, what isn't going to kill our oceans.

And they are finding, more and more, that things like lard, suet, butter, are actually healthier for us than the other stuff, the substitutes. (granted, non-hydrogenated lard, suet, organic/grass-fed butter).

But we also have huge amounts of things. Its so hard to find stuff in reasonable quantities. Some things, like potatoes and onions, ok, buy in bulk. But why can't we get 'yogurt-size' cups of sour cream? I've thrown away more sour cream in my life because I only need three spoonfuls for a recipe.... this is when countries like France, who have their markets, make sense. You can buy enough creme fraiche for the recipe... you can buy cheese in the amount that you'll eat... you can buy stuff in the amount you need, that you'll use! Fruit, veg... and nothing has corn syrup in it. Its simpler, like food used to be.

Lets get our food supply simpler!

Teen CDs, and messages thereof...

So yesterday, at work, I tidied up the teen CDs. And I got to see some of what modern teens are listening to. (Unfortunately, a bunch of new CDs got stolen last week) I was horrified at some of the images of women shown on the covers. Its not just the CDs, though. So many of the teen books are these 'clique'-type books. Marshmallow for the mind, books that celebrate cliques, that are about sex, about popularity, just real real dreck. There are a few creative, intelligent teen books, but most of what I see saddens and horrifies me. So many vampire/undead teen books, and so many of these vapid teen books. There are very few strong, independent women in teen books, CDs, movies.

It is no wonder that teens are wearing sweatpants with 'juicy' emblazoned on their derrieres! It is very sobering. When all you have in the stores for teens, as cute clothes, are bootylicious or boobilicious. When they are constantly bombarded with images of women as sex toys, of women as brainless bimbos, of women who have to be in a clique to be strong... how are we going to have strong girls who grown up to be strong women? How are we going to have girls who feel good about themselves and their bodies?

When its a constant message, a constant bombardment...