I'm tired.

I'm tired of neighbors. I'm tired of cars, or suburbia, of lawns and kids skateboarding in the street. I'm tired of being freaking WATCHED. I'm tired of small minds, of being slapped down and put down and condescended to. I'm just so fucking frustrated and tired I could SCREAM. I just don't know where to go. I just want to live somewhere where I have privacy. Where I can sit outside with a book without feeling like the neighborhood is watching me. Where I could have nature around me instead of people, people, people...because there's nothing like being single in suburbia to make you feel alone.

I'm tired of small minds. I'm not getting comfort from Church anymore either... my singing, acting, or ceramics all seem to be going nowhere fast. I'm tired of trying, trying and being rejected.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of constantly being treated as a child, of getting the metaphorical pat on the head and told'you are a good girl, now run along'. I'm SHORT, not young. I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

I'm just tired. And god, I need a hug, I need a friend, instead of a faceless computer screen.

I HATE conflict.

That being said, I will stand up for my rights. I just wish things could be resolved peaceably. I feel ill.

So I'm feeling lonely and blue....

I feel like I need someone. I wish I could find someone to hold me, I miss being touched. I'm not even talking about S-E-X, although that would be nice too, but being held, being touched, being around people. In some ways I feel more lonely living in suburbia because I see people constantly. I just want to lie on the couch in someone's arms. I want to be held, I crave touch. I'm a tactile person, and not having touch is killing me. I know I sound needy, but damnit, i just feel so alone. In the midst of people, I feel alone....

Thoughts and frustrations...

As much, in many ways, as I love the Catholic Church, the smells and bells, and the fact that other services don't say 'Church' to me, I am considering leaving. I have many gay friends, one of whom is getting married to his partner. And I can't stand the Church's attitude towards homosexuality. It is a very different thing today than it was in the time of the Romans. Back then, at the time of the Church's founding, it was the province of the 'degenerate' Greeks and Roman Emperors, Tiberius, Nero, Caligula... (and apparently the spell-check doesn't like the Roman Emperors' names) It wasn't a loving equal relationship, it was pedophilia. Which is ironic, considering the Church's recent history.

I also cannot deal with pro-life focus anymore. I'm pro-choice and pro-life...I feel that women do and should have a choice, I think they should know about the emotional consequences of that choice, but those natural feelings of grief should not be channeled into "Abortion is Wrong"/end of discussion. Most women who consider abortion are women who are caught between a rock and a hard place anyway. Of course all life is sacred and should be treated tenderly, but the quality of life is sacred too. Bringing a child into a family where they will be abused, or live in extreme poverty....

It does sadden me immeasurably to write this, as I do believe in a lot of the Church's teachings, but I don't feel I can support an institution that does not embrace two people loving one another. An institution that claims to believe that love is at its heart. Here's a thought...Jesus could have been gay. He had a male apostle whom He loved who He gave his Mother to before he was crucified, as his mother. In my book, that sounds an awful lot like a spouse. We don't know if He was, or if He was married to Mary Magdalene, or if He was single. But we know He was about love and acceptance. And the church seems to be straying away from that.

Yes, I am conflicted. I do love the church, don't get me wrong. But I think the Church is wrong on the issue of marriage. Marriage should be between two people who love each other enough to commit, heart and soul, to the other person.

Food Matters: a review.

So I just started reading 'Food Matters', by Mark Bittman, columnist for the New York Times. Its very commonsense, and has certainly outlined some of my issues with the current state of food in the US. He does make the point that 'agribusiness' is necessary now, but that having the government so tied into food isn't such a good idea. While I've known that studies on foods are generally made by the industries which they represent, I had no idea that a large number of people on the boards of government agencies have such links to Big Food Industry. And in these economic times, to have a program that costs taxpayers 19 BILLION and only benefits 3100 people??? There is something WRONG about that.

His book addresses what frustrates me about living in the US... so much is tied to Big Food that it is increasingly difficult to get good local food. What outlets there are are soon snapped up... or bought out. Even with the organic industry...if I had known that Whole Foods moving in would have wiped out our Wild Oats, I would never have supported that. Wild Oats did buy locally, in season, and not everything was trekked in from California in little plastic boxes.

I grew up in a country where we ate whole milk yogurt, whole wheat bread, fresh eggs, fresh meat, fresh veggies and fruits in season... we did have canned milk, but the majority of our food was fresh and whole. And I was skinny. We ate junk food occasionally, but even the soda pop was sweetened with Real Sugar.

When I spent two weeks in Paris last summer, and even on the boat over, the portions were reasonable. i took myself out to lunch yesterday, ordered a salad...it was ENORMOUS. Enough food for three people. We've gone overboard.

Bittman discusses this. He has a chart showing that the whole-milk yogurt, plain, is actually less calorific than the non-fat, fruit-laden kind. I've noticed that, in yogurt, most of them have gelatins, gums, thickeners.......

I do like this book, although, as with other books of its kind, it makes me wish there was a constructive way to get Big Food out of the government. To detach these giant sucking leeches that are destroying things.

Living la vida organica....

I just ordered a few things from BlueCanoe and Gaiam. I'm trying to head down the environmental path and buy clothes that are sustainable, eco-friendly, etc. The problem is, even at these sites, they have some things that are not. There is a bra on sale that, unfortunately, is lined with a foam. (which brings up another rant, not all of us with big tits have huge nipplage, why do we need a camouflaging lining of foam that just makes the girls look bigger? And on that note, the reason I hate bras? Underwire. Which goes right into my armpits)

Anyway, organic clothes are also pricy. They are nice, gorgeous colors, lovely feel....but really, ka-ching in the wallet. At least a lot of them are made in the States, so its not just supporting China. But still, its a little bit dismal. You do have to read labels carefully to make sure a product has not been 'greenwashed'. And yes, I do wish there were more local places I could buy organic clothes....

Living cruelty-free.

Even in today's society, so much of our lives is based on cruelty. Not only cruelty to animals, but cruelty to people. Yes, sometimes it does seem overwhelming, when you think about it. Fruit is picked by people in slave conditions, chickens are crammed into tiny cages and are forced to lay until they drop dead, vinyl siding kills people every day of the week. All in the name of 'cheap'. I try to buy ethically, when I can. Organic, local, Fair Trade. But where does the line get blurred? With traditional crafts, kids apprentice young, is that child labor? Or learning a trade? And there are so many things that come with a label, but how do you know? You want to buy products grown in the States, not shipped very far, but then you end up with horrible conditions for workers in Florida. Do you buy the organic oranges from Florida? Or do you buy the 'ethical grapes' from Chile?

Buying locally does help, of course it does. But I wish, so much, there were better ways of finding things out, of ensuring that my food did not cause suffering. Of course it would be ideal if everything we bought was produced on small family farms, with the appropriate complement of fowl and animals working the soil... but unfortunately that is not a reality. I just wish there was more I could do... I feel so helpless when shopping, even at Whole Foods, because so much of the food out there is not cruelty-free


Chocolate, given out at Easter and Halloween, that is tainted with blood. Toxic toys produced in sweatshops.... but every drop in the bucket helps. Buying Fair Trade chocolate, organic clothing, wooden (or European) toys.... it all helps.