The solo life...

and I'm not talking making the Kessel run. I'm a little tired of being single. Of having cooties. Of being alone. I'm good with people, but haven't been able to make a lot of friends. I just feel that my life has been so 'OTHER' sometimes it gets in the way. And yes, I know I'm whining a bit. Its just such a superficial society you don't get to know people anymore, and its just 'run to this', 'go to that'...

And yes, part of this dissatisfaction is just that I feel lonely. I'm tired, and yes, I could use some physical affection. Not to be crude or anything. But I want to meet someone I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me. I don't think I'm ugly, smell bad, or have cooties. No, I don't like to wear a bra (instrument of the devil).

But I just wonder, is it just going to get worse? Should I just face facts? Maybe I am deluding myself that I'm an attractive person. The thing is, I'm not looking *just* for physical affection. If I was I'd have run out and gotten a f***buddy. I want to be valued for who I am, for my brain, my personality, my likes and dislikes. I want a partner, someone who respects me.

I've never been good at playing games, and GOD I do NOT want any blind dates. Those are horrible. But damnit, I wish somehow I could meet someone.

I'm tired of having to be on my guard all the damn time. I can't let my hair down anywhere. I can't even get my crap back from people who call themselves my friend. I'm tired of all the talking behind my back, all the undercurrents, and politics. I'm not good at damn politics. Even in the church. Hypocritical people. I'm tired of small minds, small people, petty people. GAAAAH.

And i'm tired of never being 'good enough'.

Childhood is not for children anymore....

More and more, I wish that I had kept more of my childhood toys. I'm glad I have some of the Lego, because now its marketed only in the specific kits... I'm glad I kept the Barbie stuff...It was always a brand, but not Supertramp, Barbie, as it is today. I wish my ex didn't have the Fisher Price toys, the ones these days are not the same. I wonder if they didn't discontinue the old ones because they had too much free play. I do wonder if one can get better, less 'branded' stuff abroad.

What brought this on? I'm reading a fascinating book called 'Consuming kids'. Kids are being marketed to from a really really really young age, under the guise of 'educational' products.

I didn't get much advertising when I was growing up. There wasn't much TV in Kuwait or Egypt, I never liked soda pop much... and our toys came from the States. But we never really were exposed to ads for Barbie, or McDonalds....

I have been amazed, the few times I've ventured into ToysRus the past couple of years, how A) materialistic and B) single-focus the toys seems to be. Barbie always had her bling, but now it seems that she has to shop for everything, and have brands...Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds.... Playdo, Lego, all seem to come in 'kits', not just simple big ' create' modes. Even at the craft store, I'm finding more and more 'pre-designed' crafts. I'll go in with an idea, a simple idea, but cannot find the simple components to do the craft my own way. Everything is over-engineered, preset to certain limits... Even Facebook!

I have more thoughts, but for now, I'll stop there.

Memories of Margaret

My aunt Margy died on the 25th of Feb, and there is a hole in my heart. She was a larger-than-life presence, as her memorial service attested. So many people got up to speak about her, and about her impact on their lives.

I wanted to share some of my memories of Margaret. She was loving. She had a temper, and was stubborn. She was also independent, and protective. She loved coffee, donuts, and color. She liked pink, RED, yellow, blue, all the colors of the rainbow.

Even though she was developmentally disabled, that wasn't going to stop her. She knew where all the Dunkin Donuts were, and wasn't above hijacking a trip so that we could stop and get coffee.

She was legally blind, but had an incredible sense of direction. She was determined. Even on oxygen, with a walker, she had oomph and gusto.

I remember her, larger than life, as a child. She developed patience for kids as she got older, when I was little, not quite so much! I cannot count the number of times she flattened my toes! (Maybe that's why my feet are so wide?)

When Marg was on vacation, she was really on vacation. Nothing that happened in everyday life happened on vacation (except the meds). Exercise? Eating habits? No. She was the Queen. She was ON VACATION. My mother earned the title of 'bossy' by insisting Marg do things, snap beans, etc. How dare she? Marg was ON VACATION. In Florida, she'd sit outside...at the Lake, inside. She'd listen to music, she loved Elvis, the Beatles, the old songs...and she'd sing along...

She loved her families, both blood and at the Village. She was the matriarch of the Village, and really ran the place...the staff were just there to help HER, when SHE wanted them to. She knew when to use a threat....'watch out, I'll start breaking furniture again!'.

You had to be very careful when trying to pull a fast one on Marg...there was a point in time when she was supposed to not drink coffee... I had tried to switch the regular and the decaf up at the Lake. She caught on REAL FAST. (I don't know if this was before or after they had apparently tried this at the Village). I've never run so fast in my life!

She also was not supposed to drink wine, so we'd mix up a concoction of various juices and such and pour it into a wine bottle for trips to the club, so Margy would have her own 'wine'. This didn't always work so well. Marg was sharp to keeping an eye on what people were doing...

She was also enormously savvy socially. When we'd go to the Clubhouse at the Lake, she would sit in state in the corner, and let people come to her.

One weekend, when Sarah and I took her out to dinner, we went to her favorite place. We found out WHY it was her favorite place. We sat down, the drinks person came, asked us if we wanted a drink, Marg rattled off her drink order, and then added 'And I'd like some cheese and crackers, please'. Sarah and I were dumbfounded, especially when the waitress CAME BACK with a plate of cheese and crackers. It wasn't until we were walking out, walked through the bar section, and saw a gigantic hunk of cheese surrounded by crackers, that we put two and two together.

Marg didn't let anything stop her. She did ceramics, gorgeous art, Meals on Wheels... she touched many, many people... and lived for the moment, glorying in every second.

Marg, I will miss you. I know you are up in Heaven right now, chasing the gorgeous men around, with a perpetual refill of coffee...

Three Wonderful things for today.

1)Last night's fabulous audience. They laughed where they were supposed to!
2)Listening to the opera on the radio 'with' my bestest friend.
3)curled up on the couch in the morning with a good book and coffee.

And just FYI, I'm spending less time on the computer these days, because its Lent, and I'm trying to give up the computer and cheese. Doing well on the cheese, less so on the computer.

Theater, relief, home....

Getting laughs at the right places with my lines/actions...

The headache of DOOM being gone. yay!

home, roasting a sweet potato for dinner.

Three Beautiful Things Today.

I've decided I want to try to come up with three beautiful things about every day. This is inspired by a wonderful blog...

http://www.threebeautifulthings.blogspot.com/

I will also be asking my CCD kids to find one beautiful thing about each day during Lent.

I just find that I find myself feeling overwhelmed and cranky too much of the time, and not appreciating the beauty of life. We are in a society that wants more and more, and we stop looking and appreciating.

My beautiful things about today:

1)Fresh-ground coffee with cardamom. The scent perfumes the air and relaxes me, with a hint of the exotic and a flavor of home.
2)Dried apricots. Fruity flavor bursting in my mouth. yum.
3)a cold, crisp day. I appreciate the warmth of my home, nestled into the couch, looking out at the barren, bleak landscape.

The Years After...

I was looking at my old B.I.S.C (British International School, Cairo) yearbook this morning, while sipping my coffee and procrastinating. I started looking at the S3 pages...which were diaries of nuclear war. While modern kids have a lot on their plates, certainly, at least they are not being bombarded with the threat of nuclear war. It did make me a little ill to read 13 year-olds writing about charred corpses and the symptoms of radiation poisoning.

But at the same time, have we lost something? Yes, it was terror tactics, a whole generation (or actually two, mine and my mother's) who knew what would happen if THE BOMB was dropped. But now everyone has the bomb. There are not really Superpowers anymore...even though the former President did still act as if that was the status quo. I'm not sure there is that fear of using nuclear power anymore.

We are so exposed to horror these days, that I wonder if we've become immune... I know I would never watch'The Day After' or 'Threads' ever again... but don't we get more horrifying images in our daily lives now? I wish I knew.

The other thing that struck me was how politically savvy the kids we were were. We knew about detente, about the Cold War, about global politics. Yes, I learned about the American Revolution from the British side (and as a result, still am not sure what I'm supposed to call it)... and I learned my British History with a slight Colonial slant...(The Sun Never Sets on The British Empire)... in fact, the school itself had a slight colonial flavour. But I also got a more balanced view of world politics.

And it scares and saddens me, at the same time that I am glad that kids don't get this, that they don't get this. That they aren't aware. And the world is very different... but some things are still frightening.